Doctors Gone Wild!!!

Que tal!

By the time you read this article, Summer will be in its Ultimos Capitulos.

One of the great things about telenovelas is that they are seasonless. What is happening on-screen in your novela of the moment has nothing to do with the actual moment you’re living in. (Except for when in “Senora Acero” the Narco & Gunrunner El Gallito, running for Mayor, pledged to “Make Matamoros Great Again.”)

We don’t watch telenovelas to see what’s happening in our own world; we watch them to see what happens when impossibly beautiful people, impeccably dressed, highly accessorized and usually armed, make really bad decisions and never call 911 for help. Last month, I explained how the telenovela lawyers not only can’t do much to help fix a bad decision, but they usually make them even worse. I’m so proud that I received a lot of great reviews for that article – many from other lawyers in Chicago who had no idea that being a lawyer could be as much fun as it is in a telenovela. I assured them it was, as long as they were willing to ignore the law and start dressing a lot fancier. And on top of the very kind reviews and comments, I received something even better: A Request!

The Request came from woman who I admire very much, one who really knows the telenovela business from the inside out. What was her request? My take on telenovela doctors! Que?! COMO?!? First Lawyers… now the Doctors… two of our oldest professions might never look the same to you again!

Mi Amiga, this is for you!

If I was a doctor in a telenovela, the first thing I would ask myself is whether all of the student loans, debt, and divorce from the spouse who put me through medical school was worth it. I know what you are thinking – that doctors here in the Real World are asking themselves the same thing. True, except that in the Real World, the doctors aren’t examining their lives because a guy wearing a gigantic cowboy hat with an even bigger belt buckle has kidnapped him at gunpoint to operate on a shot-up compadre in the back of a gas station bathroom.

I never knew how dangerous medicine could be until I started watching telenovelas. Well, I always knew it was dangerous for the patients, but in telenovelas, it’s the doctors who are on the wrong side of the argument. In telenovelas, there are Good Doctors and Bad Doctors. And doctors that have received no medical training at all, who are the Best Doctors, if you ask me.

The Good Doctors are the doctors who are literally minding their own business, making sure that their malpractice premiums are current, when the door to their office bursts open, a gang of NarcoTerrorists march in, and put a gun to his or her head, demanding that the doctor joins them for an unexpected House Call. This House Call can take place anywhere, but it is usually on a couch in the living room of a total stranger who is also being held at gunpoint to provide shelter to the gang. However, that surgery-at-gunpoint can also take place in the in-house hospital suite many Narcos have built right into their home. A Narco’s house has a lot of room to build out the spaces we generally don’t see in real estate: specifically, the hospital suite, a swimming pool inside of the living room, and a jail cell in the basement. The reason for this is because a Narco has a lot of freedom inside of his house, but can’t ever leave it, unless it is to travel secretly to a house that looks just like the one he just left, which he will also never leave. I know this is off-topic, but I don’t see the point in all of the drama and danger that goes along with the Life of a Narco if you can’t go out for a hot dog once in a while.

So the people that work for the Narcos will do anything to save El Jefe’s life, but one thing they always forget about is The Sterile Field. No, I’m not a doctor. But I have watched enough medical shows on TV to practice medicine with an FCC license, and I have learned that The Sterile Field is the field in a the Operating Room you have to keep sterile. But in a telenovela Operating Room, the guys who have kidnapped the doctor and are forcing him to operate at gunpoint not only break the sterile field by not scrubbing in, but they make things worse when they drag extra unnecessary people into the operating room, like the doctor’s wife and children and mother-in-law, who they have also brought into the operating room at gunpoint, to make sure the doctor does a good job.

I’m not making this up: I have seen this scene more than once in the Granddaddy Of ‘Em All: “El Senor de los Cielos.” In ESDLC, Good Doctors are regularly dragged in to repair gunshot wounds or rustled up to perform emergency reconstructive plastic surgery (to change NarcoIdentities), with their terrified family members watching while they are menaced by NarcoThugs, which is counter-intuitive, if you ask me. Trembling hands and extra bodies in the operating room do not promote a quick recovery, and in the USA, health insurance companies would never allow it.

The Bad Doctors are the doctors who are totally in on The Game. They are basically Narcos Who Went To Medical School. The best example of a Bad Doctor that I can give you is from the novelas “Sin Senos No/Si Hay Paraíso.” Now in its third season, the plots of the show have changed a lot, but originally, the series was about poor girls in small towns in Colombia who tragically can only see a way out of a dead-end life by having reconstructive surgery to attract a Narco, to then live what they think will be the high life. Almost always, the reconstructive surgery was breast implants; hence, the title of the show.

This was such a common practice in the show that at least one of the Narcos, El Gato Gordo, had a mini-hospital in his home (including a Gift Shop), with a full medical staff going round-the-clock. His hospital only had one patient – Catalina La Pequena – who Gato Gordo had drugged and kidnapped, and then forced to undergo breast-implant surgery. She had to stay in his hospital until she had fully recovered from the surgery. The only bright side was that she was not billed for any of it. Gato had the help of a Bad Doctor who did the surgery and supervised the recovery. The Bad Doctor did a great job, but got the axe (literally) when he fell in love with Catalina too.

If you are a doctor who performs unnecessary breast-implant surgery against the will of the patient in the basement hospital of a Narco whose name translates to “Fat Cat,” you probably should have paid more attention to the Ethics Lectures in medical school.

One thing the Good Doctors and Bad Doctors have in common is this: They are always being threatened that if they do not cure the patient, they will be killed. This is a much better incentive to practice good medicine than medical malpractice lawsuits.

Wondering what the doctors just leading the lives of regular doctors are doing in telenovelas? Well, they are wandering around making house calls (!) and only ever delivering two bits of news that are ALWAYS cataclysmic: “You Are Pregnant!” OR “You Can Never Have Children…” That keeps them very busy.

So who are The Best Doctors in a telenovela?

They are the people who perform complicated medical procedures, but are not doctors. You can find them in almost any NarcoNovela, because no one needs constant access to health care more than a Narco. Most recently, in ESDLC6, Aurelio’s half-brother Amado found Aurelio all shot up in a boxing gym in Mexico City, and gave him a blood transfusion USING HIS OWN BLOOD in the locker room with no equipment, and without sepsis setting in. And while chewing gum the whole time.

But the Very Best Examples of The Best Doctors were in the FABULOUS telenovela “Santa Diabla.” If you have never seen this novela, where have you been? You need to watch it now. It was tangled up in fantastic characters engaged in absolutely wild plots, and full of The Best Doctors:

Want to see a Crazy/Beautiful, young woman who can (without anesthesia) remove the bullet from Willy Delgado, the man her father was holding prisoner in his basement, AFTER she shot him AFTER she forced him to have sex with her while he was still chained up, and then post-surgery carry him upstairs? Yep! Ximena Duque’s “Preciosa” was not only a skilled surgeon, but like an ant, she could also carry a hundred million times her own body weight. And where did the gunshot would victim recover? In the bedroom of the kindly prostitute who ran the local bordello. She changed the bandages and somehow hooked up an IV in between hookups.

“Santa Diabla” also had it’s own Telenovela “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman:” The wacky old lady who Lived In A Van Down By The River, and showed no signs of having lived in a civilized society, let alone having attended medical school. She found Santiago (Aaron Diaz) floating down the river, near-dead: shot, drowned, and all beat-up. After anesthetizing herself with a bottle of whiskey, she removed the bullets with her (unsterilized) fingers, sewed him up with catgut (still inside of the cat), and he survived. Unfortunately, Dr. Quinn did not, but you’ll have to watch the series to find out why…

Just like Telenovela Lawyers, no Doctor has as much fun in real life as they do in telenovelas. And if you ask me, the same can be said for all of us. There is no life that is as much fun as the Telenovela Life!

For more of my sideways views on telenovelas, join me daily on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @gringanovelera, or follow my blog Lagringanovelera.me!

A Little Touch Of Otis Campbell In The Night… In “El Senor De Los Cielos!”

Have you been watching “El Senor de los Cielos?” on Telemundo?

Who knew that Aurelio and La “Sex Machine” Coronela were about to go to Turkey?

And for what?!?!

To buy more drugs??

Didn’t Aurelio ever see the movie “Midnight Express”?

If he did, he would know that nothing good comes from buying drugs in Turkey.

I guess Aurelio and La Coronela each have their reasons to get out of Mexico for awhile:

El Senor had just broken up with his girlfriend Corina.

Here’s what happened:

He had decided to let Corina out of the cozy jail he kept her in, which was in the basement of his house, where most people would have their wet bar.

She was eating so many meals upstairs with the family it just made more sense to let her stay upstairs; plus El Grenas is too busy on his computer,and Vitaminas is too busy saying “Si, Patron,” to keep letting her in and out of jail every five minutes.

Plus, that cell is a little too small for the very athletic full-metal makeouts that were happening there.

I think that by the time El Senor decided to let Corina out for good, she was like “Otis Campbell” from “The Andy Griffith Show,”- the town drunk in the white suit who would let himself in and out of jail.

So I guess Aurelio decided there was no point to keeping her locked up, especially since she was practically a member of the family, once he found out that

Corina had dated El Chema too.

El Chema, who we all miss very much, was Aurelio’s arch-enemy and son-in-law, and might have been his brother-in-law too. For all Aurelio knew, he and Corina might have been uncle and niece – it’s too hard to tell without a Venn diagram.

Once Corina was allowed out of Basement Jail, I guess the lure of the relationship faded for them both, and Corina went back to work at the DEA where no one trusts her since she broke it off with Aurelio.

And Aurelio never trusted Corina once he learned that she worked for the DEA and/or was in love with El Chema.

Corina has no one left to betray, and so her life seems to have little meaning.

She just works on the computer and glares at people, which describes 75% of the North American workforce.

Aurelio is now really intrigued by La Coronela Ambar Maldonado of Venezuela, mainly because he is a Narcissist and Ambar is the female version of Aurelio.

It’s like dating himself.

Ambar started strong.

(She is a combination of an Army colonel and a pole dancer, so she would be right up El Presidente Trump’s alley. )

From the moment La Coronela and Aurelio met, it was Trafficking at First Sight.

Ambar needs to let things cool off in Mexico City because even though she has an office in the Venezuelan embassy, it is clear the Ambassador, “Edith Guzman,” who is played by famed Venezuelan actress Marisela Berti, hates La Coronela.

I think they hate each other because they are both bit by bit selling off bits of Venezuela to the highest bidder, and that might be Colombia or it might be El Senor de Los Cielos, or it might be the shady guys from the Middle East who are always hanging out at the Venezuelan Embassy.

There is not enough room for two Queen Bee traitors in that Embassy, apparently.

All I know is Ambar gave Aurelio some gold bars, but if she thinks he’s making a wedding ring out of the gold she is kidding herself.

You could call Aurelio and Ambar “Lost Souls,” but that would imply that they have souls.

So now they are in Turkey where they inexplicably hijacked a truck and are on the run from guys who are chasing them to the sea on motorcycles.

I am not sure if either one of them have a plan, but if I was them my plan would be to get out of Turkey.

And in another part of the world, La Rutilla is in the jungles of Colombia looking for Super Javi’s plane crash, but she may already be too late:

Super Javi is taking advantage of his amnesia as an opportunity to perhaps stop killing so many people, catch up on his swimming, and fall in love with Kashi.

Kashi has been in love with the doctor, but may dump the doctor for Super Javi.

I know telenovelas are a little unrealistic sometimes, but this is the most outrageous plot twist yet because no woman in her right mind gives up a doctor for a guy with amnesia, even if he does have a lot of passports, and even if the doctor’s practice is in the jungle.

Can’t wait to see what happens tonight!!

In The Return Of “El Senor De Los Cielos” Aurelio Wants To Make Mexico Great Again!

Did you watch The Death-Defying Premiere of Season 6 of “El Senor de Los Cielos” last night?? It was so wild that I thought that for the first 5 minutes Aurelio was a new character in “The Avengers!”

Or that maybe Aurelio was the new James Bond, as he zip-lined, used a bow & arrow, found camouflaged rafts in the river, high-dived off of cliffs and took his raft into the Falls.

And he STILL had time for a makeout with Corina, who herself still had time for a Brazilian blow-out, and who is the daughter of the head of the DEA, which will make things tense at Thanksgiving.

I thought it must be so hard to be Aurelio’s girlfriend, as they go on the run from El Cabo & Company. What could his “Match” description say?

That he’s looking for a woman with brains, beauty, who is good with a bow and arrow, excels at the high-dive and pole-vaulting, and can run a 10-minute mile in 5?

If he needs another new girlfriend after Corina, he will have to start trolling for dates at The Olympics.

So at the end of last season, El Cabo has killed just about every one in Aurelio’s family (depending how contract negotiations went during the break.)

So as Cabo’s men chased him and Corina through the rain-forest, we saw the other members of his family attacked, with some surviving, and others not so much.

One of these was Aurelio’s future Super Son-In-Law SuperJavi.

I hope he survives the bomb attached to his airplane that crashed his plane when it exploded.

At the moment the plane crashed he was on the phone with LaRutilla, so she heard the explosion, rapid descent and crash into the side of the mountain, all of it, because everyone knows that Mexico has the best cell-phone service.

I predict Super Javi is still SuperAlive because he’s not getting out of his relationship with La Rutilla that easily.

Cabo’s guys had also tried to kill Dona Alba, but she not only matched them shot-for-shot, she killed a few of them, and then she actually carjacked an innocent guy to escape from Cabo’s Crazy Crew.

Dona Alba: Wife, Mother, Nun, and now in Season 6, a Carjacker.

As a car-jacker, Dona Alba should move to Chicago because Car-jackings are so common here she will feel right at home!

Ismael has been shot up pretty badly, and is recuperating in the house of an older, innocent and fully at gunpoint older couple, whose living room is now the surgical suite, their bedroom is Post-Op, and their kitchen is the Break Room for the nurses.

Cabo’s men were pretty inefficient, missed a lot and even had their motorcycles taken away from them.

Number one, I think all of them were hopped up on Red Bull because they all seemed very anxious and nervous.

Number Two, I think they were all in a big hurry to get to the party El Cabo and his mustache were throwing at Aurelio’s house after broke in.

The party had plenty of cocaine, Strippers, and Run-DMC tracksuits for everyone to wear as they partied in Aurelio’s House, waiting for him to come home so they could kill him.

It was almost exactly like the party suburban kids throw when their parents go out of town, except without the murder but with the strippers.

And Aurelio?

Aurelio decided that much like El Trump, he would take his message directly to the people.

So he invaded a television station, and took over, announcing that he was coming out hiding, he was still alive, and he’s going to Make Mexico Great Again.

We can’t wait for the hats!!

Maybe he will run for President of Mexico against his (almost) cousin-in-law and (almost) son-in-law Omar, on the platform that he will have bigger and better orgies at Los Pinos!

Can a Twitter account be next?

Don’t miss this exciting new show!!