“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & Miracles … AND MURDER & MAYHEM!! (Episode 6)

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you mashed up a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie? Well here ya go: “A Season For Magic & Miracles.., And Murder & Mayhem…”

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES… AND MURDER & MAYHEM” – (EPISODE 6)

A TELENOVELA WRAPPED UP IN A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE!

CIDERVILLE VILLAGE HALL…

When we last left Ciderville, ANTONIO had startled MAYOR LUIS, when he appeared at the back of the Gingerbread Hall, and all eyes follow MAYOR LUIS as he and the handsome new stranger stare at each other. ANTONIO pulls out his gun and everyone ducks.

Then suddenly, he takes a big bite of the chocolate barrel and a big grin spreads all over his face and Mayor Luis starts laughing. All eyes are on the two old friends as they meet and hug. FERNANDA, who has watched the entire scene unfold from her hiding place in the back of the hall, finds Antonio’s real gun that he buried in a nearby gigantic Advent calendar, and takes it, hiding it in her purse. Antonio watches Fernanda as she does that while he’s hugging Mayor Luis, but doesn’t say anything as he watches her scurry away. Luis introduces Antonio to the residents of Ciderville, and he asks them to welcome him as warmly as they welcomed him. The townspeople welcome Antonio, and he gets a lot of compliments on his Christmas sweater. SHERIFF RICARDO introduces himself to Antonio, but there is immediate tension between the two of them. (Could it be that Sheriff Ricardo knows something Antonio does not – specifically, that there are only two LAS COLOMBIANAS??)

We leave Antonio and Ricardo sizing each other up, for a battle that is inevitable…

MEANWHILE …

Antonio tells Luis he’s got to run, and will find him in town tomorrow and they can catch up. Antonio escapes from the Gingerbread Village Hall in search of Fernanda, the beautiful, mysterious woman who stole his gun out of the Advent Calendar and ran away.

Antonio finds Fernanda running away down Main Street and follows her to an old, abandoned Victorian mansion. The gate is off it’s hinges, most of the windows are broken, and the gingerbread trim is falling off. A lone candle sits in the window at the top. Antonio watches from the alley nearby as Fernanda take out his gun,and enter the house carefully. He watches the top window, and within a moment sees her shadow bending over a figure he cannot make out. He pulls out a cigarette and a lighter lights up next to him, startling him. It’s SANDRITA, the beautiful, mysterious woman from the alley in Point Unpleasant, who had asked Antonio to set her on fire, figuratively speaking. Not only is she in a Christmas sweater – her earrings are mini-Rudolphs who’s noses light up. Antonio quickly pulls off her earrings – someone might see them! “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?” Antonio demands to know. Sandrita tells him that she’s here to help him… Suddenly, they hear gunfire coming from the abandoned Victorian Fernanda slipped into, and they watch as a figure in the window collapses…

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Ciderville Village Hall, Mayor Luis is just concluding the town meeting about The Busy Career Woman From The Big City Who Hates Christmas And Wants To Buy Ciderville So She Can Destory It. LUPITA, looking extra-Christmas-y, is still getting glares and stares from most of the citizens of the town who are convinced it’s her. Then Mayor Luis throws a monkey-wrench into his presentation, when he suggests that maybe Ciderville should do the Opposite of Every Christmas Town in America and just SELL CIDERVILLE for as much money as they can get! He points out the ‘Pro’s’ of such a move – first and foremost, they can stop wearing Christmas sweaters and listening to Christmas music non-stop.

Luis is unnerved by the hard looks he’s getting, but it’s clear that a few people find the idea appealing. Luis studies the faces across from him, and asks them to just think about it. “Meanwhile, it’s time for some hot cider and homemade Christmas Cookies, and just like we do every year, you are welcome to eat parts of the Gingerbread Village Hall, but please avoid the retaining walls and support beams until closer to New Year’s. “. A loud cheer goes up as the audience rises and starts eating, drinking and dancing to Christmas music.

MEANWHILE… Back at the Abandoned Mansion…

After the gunfire stops, Antonio orders Sandrita to stay put, he’s going to investigate. Sandrita pulls out her badge and announces she’s with Interpol, and her Christmas vacation is over. She’s going with. Sandrita also warns Antonio to “not leave town – you’ll never find a Christmas town as beautiful and Christmas-y as Ciderfalls.” They run to the Mansion together to find out what happened …

MEANWHILE … Back at the Ciderville Village Hall…in the hallway next to the Meeting Hall…

LAS COLOMBIANAS have been spying on the meeting and what Mayor Luis is telling the crowd. La Colombiana listens closely, while The Other Colombiana takes notes. When Luis tells the crowd maybe they should sell Ciderville – they could all make a lot of money – Las Colombianas are outraged, and as soon as Luis leaves the stage and walks past them, The Other Colombiana breaks a Christmas vase over his head and they drag his body into a nearby office, while …

Francesca has been spying on Las Colombianas spying on Luis and also sees them drag his unconscious body into the nearest office. Francesca quickly makes a phone call, telling the person who answers – “I have got some news for you. Meet me at the Christmas Cantina. NO! The OTHER Christmas Cantina!!!

MEANWHILE…Back at the Abandoned Mansion, Antonio and Sandrita finally make the long climb to the top floor of the mansion, only to find the still-lit candle, shell cases, but No Body and No Fernanda. However, they do find something interesting – A Document that appears extremely ancient. We can’t see what it is but when they read it, their eyes open very wide, as if they are in shock.

Then, a breeze slams the door shut and blows the candle out, and they are suddenly plunged into darkness… Sandrita lights the lone candle in the room again, and tells Antonio that Las Colombianas have the right idea – Christmas sweaters with candles built right into them.

Antonio tries the door – they are LOCKED IN! And they can’t get any service on their cell-phones.

Sandrita and Antonio look around the room – there’s only an old-fashioned Christmas tree thankfully strung with popcorn, a rocking chair, and one bed covered in down Christmas blankets… Are you thinking what Sandrita is thinking?????

MEANWHILE… Back in the Ciderville Village Hall…

People continue to hang around and celebrate Christmas, and Luis possibly excellent idea, with hot cider and Christmas Cookies. GABI and GINA meet over the hot cider punch bowl when they reach for the ladle at the same time.

Gabi wants to know from Gina “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

Gina responds that she could ask Gabi the same thing – for all anyone knows, Leonardo is the person who wants to buy Ciderville – he never appreciated the living, breathing heart of Ciderville, and the idea of a year-round, 24-hours a day ChristmasTown…

They are joined at the punchbowl by ROBERTO & PABLO, who confront each other in their matching Christmas sweaters. Roberto insists his is of a better quality – that they only sell the best of Christmas at “Ye Olde Ciderville Chrismas Shop,” while Pablo insists their stuff is junk, and that he, and his store The Ciderville General “El Generalissimo” Store are where all Christmas wishes come true – even the ones you never knew you had. They begin shoving each other over who has the better Christmas store, and when someone yells for Mayor Luis, Sheriff Ricardo finally realizes Luis is missing!

MEANWHILE… In the tiny office of the Village Hall where all non-Christmas supplies are kept…

Luis wakes up from being knocked out, looks around the store-room filled with boring office supplies, and looks at his captors who are still eating Arepas, Las Colombianas, and asks “QUE ESTOY HACIENDO AQUI?!?!” (“What Am I Doing Here?!?”)

Las Colombianas really give Mayor Luis an earful about his idea to go along with the sale of the town and stop living Christmas around-the-clock. Their very fast talking and extremely unusual accents are not making Luis’ headache any better, but as everyone knows, there is nothing that an Arepa can’t cure, so he eats a few and listens to their objections. Since they are very against waste, and have devoted their lives to fighting Global Warming, it is their opinion that destroying the town of Ciderville, no matter who much money everyone can make, will be very harmful. They add that they hit him over the head really hard to help make their point. They beg Luis to save the town of Ciderville, as only Las Colombianas can…

MEANWHILE… Back in the Village Hall…

The residents of Ciderville continue arguing with one another-

JOSE & JOSUE confront Oscar about trying to steal NADIA away from her husband, but Nadia insists to Oscar that she no longer loves JOSUE, and was going to leave him anyway. Jose and Josue find this admission very interesting, because Nadia is married to JOSE, not JOSUE. Nadia bursts into tears, and protests that it is not her fault – it’s their fault because they insist of wearing very similar Christmas sweaters and she can no longer tell them apart…

LEONARDO happily watches all of the bickering between the residents of Ciderville, and FRANCESCA, still smoking with her cigarette holder, is enjoying it just as much. The two of them bond over the Christmas discord and share a piece of the Gingerbread Town Hall. Francesca makes The Cigarette Move on Leonardo, but it’s less effective with a cigarette in a cigarette holder because it’s further away and not as intimate. Nonetheless, LUPITA, from across the room, sees it and doesn’t like it. Lupita walks right up to Leonardo, pulls him away from Francesca, and demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!? I am your wife!!” Francesca bursts out laughing, and Leonardo reminds Lupita that she didn’t even know they were married until he told her. He hands her a gigantic gumdrop as a Christmas peace offering, and strolls off with Francesca.

Lupita stands in the midst of the Ciderville citizens’ bickering and looks lost, because she has no one to argue with. JAYCEE strolls up, and very seductively, he asks Lupita “Que Haces Aqui?!” He then points up, and reminds her she is standing under the mistletoe. As he goes in for a kiss, Lupita stops him, and asks “Are you sure we are not brother and sister?”

Jaycee responds with one of the scariest phrases in Telenovelaville – “Confiar en mi.” – “Trust me.”

Jaycee goes in for the kiss again- but this time he’s stopped by a bloodcurdling scream from his mother, BLANCA!!

Blanca is standing outside, just outside of the front door of the Village Hall.

And someone is dead at her feet.

It could be her husband PABLO, or it could be his brother ROBERTO…

It’s impossible to tell which one is dead and which one is alive because they are identical twins in matching Christmas sweaters…

But either way, it’s bad…

To be continued…

I Make Mistakes In México So You Don’t Have To…

I had never before been to Mexico,

I don’t speak much Spanish,

I don’t know The Metric System.

So why not move to Mexico from Chicago to write the Telenovela of my dreams?

What could go wrong….

Listen to my podcast to learn all about my mistake-filled life here, and please give it a great rating even if you have to lie!!

Gracias!!

#podcasts

#mexico

#telenovelas

#travel

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-mexican-mistake-s/id1474401635

TELENOVELAS vs SEINFELD

Telenovelas have learned a lot from Seinfeld.

In Seinfeld , George built a hidden compartment in his desk so he could nap.

In Señora Acero , the Evil Gringo FBI Chief in Mexico built a hidden compartment in his desk so he could hide the $$$$ he got from El Teca.

You be the judge…

George never had that much cash, and the DEA Chief is too coked up to sleep.

So as usual, everything works out for the best!!

If you’re not watching telenovelas you don’t know what you’re missing!

How I Am Learning To Be A Better Prosecutor From Maria Conchita Alonso In “El Senor De Los Cielos: Day 1

I’m no “Julie & Julia,” or Julie OR Julia, but I am a prosecutor in the criminal courts, and I am closely watching a prosecutor in the telenovela “El Senor de Los Cielos.”

That prosecutor is “Nora Requena” played by Maria Conchita Alonso, and she just joined the cast on Monday night.

If you don’t watch telenovelas (Why not??? Better check your pulse!!), you might think a prosecutor is a fairly straightforward character.

You’d be wrong:

In a series where the Venezuelan Ambassador to Mexico spends more time money laundering than serving tea to guests and reading telex’s, and where the Presidente Of México has more orgies in office than Caligula, a prosecutor has many more interesting things to do in the show than prepare Answers to Discovery.

I think I’ll learn a lot from “Nora” and what I’m going to try to do is tell you what I have learned every day, in every episode!

_______________________________

Day 1:

There’s nothing better than a good criminal prosecutor in a telenovela, and if we are lucky, the prosecutor is good because the prosecutor is BAD. As in Very Bad. And the Worse they are, the more fun they are!

Last night the legendary Maria Conchita Alonso debuted as Nora Requena in “El Senor de los Cielos.” In the series, Nora is a New York city prosecutor determined to bring Aurelio to justice. And bring him to New York City, where Nora will take a bite out of crime, and Aurelio will take a bite out of the Big Apple. Will he see justice? That’s anyone’s guess. Will he see the inside of Nora’s apartment? Always a possibility since Nora may be completely unprepared for the power of The Kevorka, a quality Aurelio shares with Kramer from “Seinfeld.”

We were introduced to Nora last night.

Since I am a prosecutor just like Nora, I wanted to see how much I could learn from this character, and believe me, in just a few minutes, I learned a lot and will be doing everything differently from now on.

When we meet Nora she is in a hospital room, at the bedside of a man on a ventilator.

Nora is hiding behind a fan, which she dramatically closes when the doctor and nurse enter the room. Honestly, it never occurred to me to use a fan before, but now I don’t know how I lived for so long without one. A fan is something I could use very effectively in closing arguments, as long as no one ever bursts into the song “Lady of Spain.” And when I say “no one,” I mean me. Or any of the arias from “Carmen.” Or I don’t develop a southern-accented Scarlett O Hara voice and claim to have “The Vapors.”

Now that I think about it, I could do a lot of damage with a fan, and all of it would be self-inflicted.

So back to the show … Within a minute of the doctor and nurse coming into the room of the man on the ventilator and Nora coming out from playing peek-a-boo behind her fan, Nora directs the nurse to take the man off of the ventilator.

And just like that, the nurse shuts off the ventilator and the man stops breathing. No one even asks Nora for identification. The nurse hit the button and that was that.

Nora did find time to take a call from the head of the DEA, Joe Navarro. Like Nora, I always have time to speak with law enforcement officers.

Unlike Nora, I don’t usually take those calls in the middle of pulling someone off of life support. So given that, Nora seems to be a more selfless prosecutor than I am.

We didn’t see Nora for a while after that. I thought maybe it was because she had a lot of paperwork to complete since she ordered the man’s death, but that wasn’t it at all. When we saw Nora again we were still in the hospital room: The Man took his final breath, Nora announced that her husband had been a complete stranger to her, gave his wedding ring to the nurse, and announced to the doctor and nurse that she was finally free. The doctor hoped that Nora meant “Finally Free to pay the hospital bill,” but that’s unlikely.

After this short but powerful speech, Nora left the hospital, her dead husband, and the very confused doctor and nurse who were now stuck with the wedding erring and the body that went with it.

So what I learned from Nora in this episode is that you can get away with anything if you are beautiful, dramatic, confusing, and best of all, using a fan.

Let’s see what she gets up to tonight.

One thing I can tell you that Nora is not doing any legal research.

Everything In Life Relates To “Seinfeld,” Even The Telenovela “Al Otro Lado Del Muro!”

Did you watch the Telemundotelenovela Al Otro Lado del Muro last night? If you did, then you must have been glued to your couch, just like me!!

In fact, I was so paralyzed by what was happening that like Sofia, I was trapped in my own room,

except unlike Sofia, I was not locked in there by my husband, The Governor.

And unlike Sofia, my housekeeper did not bring me a delicious dinner with a hidden cell phone to use.

And unlike Sofia, I did not get a visit from Paula, my husband’s mistress and campaign manager, who gave me permission to leave my room, so she could yell at me.

And unlike Sofia, I am not a former beauty queen who my husband’s mistress choose to be The First Lady based upon a good head shot.

And unlike Sofia, my husband’s mistress would not have me shot in the head if I don’t behave myself.

Sofia had a TERRIBLE day yesterday, and she got absolutely no traction even though she busted wide open the Human Trafficking ring her husband and his friends run.

When she confronted her husband, he denied everything, even though she found the secret papers in his safe that were basically receipts for selling teenage girls to the Cartel.

I’ll give Gabriel Porras this:

He Plays The World’s Greatest Liar so perfectly that he could work for Trump as his new Press Secretary.

Even though I had seen I the meeting between him and the Mob about the Human Trafficking, he almost had ME convinced he wasn’t involved.

To add insult to injury, he sent the kids to his mother’s and locked Sofia in her room, which the entire household staff did not think was unusual at all.

Then, Sofia got the bad news from Paula that not only is Paula The Governor’s First Girlfriend, but the Governor only married Sofia because she was popular, and because Paula picked her over the telenovela actress.

This was remarkable.

The fact that Paula choose Sofia over a telenovela actress not only shows how brave Paula is, but was also DELICIOUS because all of the women in the show are Telenovela Actresses.

I love Meta-Moments like that.

Plus the show was so tense that I needed a little comic relief.

The only bright spot in Sofia’s day were the violets the Interpol agent sent that had a cell-phone hidden inside, so he can help her escape. Plus, I predict it is his first courting gesture.

No one owes a bigger debt to telenovelas than the telephone industry.

You know who betrayed Sofia?Julian, The Governor’s Mini-Me and Child Spy. No one says “Que haces Aqui” as scary as this kid.

If I was Sofia, I’d get Julian a box of Tic Tacs to keep in his pocket, like Elaine gave to “The Sidler” in “Seinfeld,” so she always knew when he was coming.

Eliza had a bad day too:Not only did she leave her mother AND the bakery, to take the kids to L.A. to live with their dad, but she also had a very hard time keeping her son out of her purse every time she wasn’t looking, which is a sure sign of a Bad Seed.

Plus, she must be afraid to fly or something, because Max looks pretty successful and could have definitely afforded the three plane tickets.

Eliza should have flown because then she would have arrived in L.A. two days ahead of something a lot scarier:

Max’s wife.

And their son’s impending illness.

This novela is gripping and excellent, and you don’t want to miss it!!