Category: Uncategorized

CAN THESE REVENGE MARRIAGES BE SAVED?

CAN THESE REVENGE-MARRIAGES BE SAVED??

That is the central question posed by the return, 20 years later, of the extremely popular telenovela “Pasion de Gavilanes” which is Spanish for “Passion of the Hawks.” (I don’t know much about nature, but that sounds like something you never want to get in the middle of.)

I don’t know who came up with the idea of revisiting a 20-year old telenovela for a second season, but whoever it was deserves a Nobel Prize.

I’d like to see this happen for every single telenovela I ever watched!
And after that idea runs it’s course, I’d like to see how everyone who was ever killed in a telenovela carries on in the Afterlife. The possibilities are endless!

This Second Season of PDG is the ultimate “Where Are They Now, and What Do They Look Like?”
Well, let’s clear that up right now: If you were hoping that some of the characters gained weight or lost hair, (or ideally both) you can forget that idea right now.

This is a telenovela, so by law, the actors have to be the best-looking people on the planet.
20 years later, they are only better-looking.
So much so that I can’t tell the original cast apart from their teenage children.
They all look like they are college sophomores on their way to a fun Frat party.

In the original show, the 3 Reyes Brothers married the 3 Elizondo sisters to get revenge on the girls’ mother, the battle-axe Mrs Elizondo, because Mrs Elizondo drove the pregnant Reyes sister (who had been having an affair with Mr Elizondo, who was killed in a horse accident) to commit suicide.

I was never sure how marrying Mrs Elizondo’s daughter constituted revenge for the Reyes boys, unless they were thinking about her having to foot that big catering bill and also having to go shopping for 3 wedding dresses, not to mention the seating arrangements.

For as high and mighty as Mrs Elizondo was, she was hiding a delicious secret:
She had forced her daughter Norma to marry a Very Bad Guy named Fernando, and then forced Norma and Fernando to live on the ranch with her because Mrs Elizondo and Fernando were having a super-torrid affair which was fueled by the fact that Norma would not have sex with her own husband Fernando. Not because she knew about the affair but because she was haunted by a rape.

Well when the 3 Reyes Brothers (assuming false identities) show up on the Elizondo ranch, ostensibly to build a cabin on the property, the 3 Elizondo Sisters do not know that since their dead father had fathered a child with the dead Reyes sister they are all practically related in a way that cannot be understood unless you’re really good at algebra.

Of course all of the Reyes/Elizondo couples fall in love and Mrs Elizondo is somehow forgiven, and after overcoming a lot of obstacles, including the super-sexy and super-persistent nightclub singer Rosario Montes, Love Conquers All By Marrying It or Killing It.

So now it’s 20 years later (in Season 2) and the 3 Happy Couples don’t seem so happy (except for Norma and Juan), who still swoon over each other, and ride horses everywhere, even to court.
Where they have to go after their twin sons (who no one seems to like very much), are accused of kidnapping and murdering a local, popular schoolteacher.
When people are killed in a telenovela, popularity counts very much, which was an idea I always tried to incorporate into my murder trials when I was a prosecutor.
No matter how old we get, we are all still in 7th grade.

I think the key to Norma and Juan’s happy marriage has been their shared love of denim, horses, cowboy hats, and not living with Mrs Elizondo.

As for the other two couples, both marriages are definitely on the rocks:
Franco & Sara are living apart, and Sara glares every time she hears the name of the nightclub singer, so I think she thinks Franco is back with her. They have two teenage kids who seem a lot nicer than the Evil Twins of Norma and Juan.

And as for Jimena and Oscar, Jimena just had a big fashion show in Milan and Oscar still lives on the ranch, so without that mutual bond of Denim, and no kids, I’m not sure if this Revenge Marriage can sustain itself.

Meanwhile, the Reyes Twins might be getting out on Home Monitoring for the murder, because everyone respects Juan, abd his ability to keep his kids locked up on the ranch.

Everyone of course except for the teacher’s son, who is leading the townspeople against the release, which makes Juan nervous because he has a dream where the townspeople turn against him and act just like the villagers in “Frankenstein.”

I’m prepared to hate the Reyes Twins as much as just about every other character in the show does, but I’m not sure what the evidence is against them yet:
So far, I think it’s a tip, and the “Everybody Knows” standard, as in “Everybody Knows you two hated the teacher because he gave you well-deserved bad grades.”

Again, when I was a prosecutor, the “Everybody Knows” standard was a new standard for the Burden of Proof I lobbied for. Hard.
If only I could have used that, instead of the super-annoying “Beyond A Reasonable Doubt,”
I could have spent more time in my office smoking, drinking vats of Diet Coke, making plans for what I was going to do that night.

And Rosario the Nightclub singer is back in town, with a tiny, annoying German butler named “Gunter,” who follows her everywhere with her bottle of wine and portable tumbler, and the only time he’s not with her is when he’s plotting against her.
Rosario plans on bringing the old nightclub back to town!
Can’t wait for Franco to hear about the Grand Opening!!

Watch the next episode tonight and read all about it the next day here!

Back Then…
…And now!

GasStationMakeoverNovela

So here’s my take on Episode 2 of the Great GasStationMakeoverNovela “Looking For Frida” on Telemundo!!

“BUSCANDO A FRIDA”/. “SEARCHING FOR FRIDA”
Episode 2

It’s a sad day for a mother when she finds out that not only has her perfect teenage daughter staged her own disappearance, ruining her father’s birthday and driving up the cost of police overtime,
but she gave herself a makeover in a gas station bathroom.

And that’s exactly what Frida Pons has done.

She has apparently rejected beautiful clothes, living in a mansion, and a private-school uniform that miraculously makes everyone look BETTER, for a grey hoodie, and having to use questionable bathrooms.

But, as always, in every telenovela where there is a gas-station makeover, she now has great bangs.

When Covid exploded here in Mexico, and I couldn’t get a haircut, I gave myself an Air BNB makeover here in my bathroom using scissors I bought from a paper store in Mexico City. I was confident that I could do it, based upon the multiple gas-station makeovers I have seen in telenovelas.
Inspired, I cut my own bangs.
All I can tell you is that my bangs looked nothing like telenovela bangs, which might be because the foundation is weak – I don’t have telenovela hair.

A long time ago, a friend of mine was reading a romance novel called “The Rich Are Different,” and she kept insisting I read it. And I told her then what I would tell her now – I don’t need a book to tell me something I already know.

And it’s like that for telenovela characters – they are different, and the difference starts with their hair.

Enough said.

So Mr and Mrs Pons are confronted with the fact that Frida seems to have willfully absented herself from her family, and sure doesn’t seem to have been kidnapped from the disco. But that fact matters not to the Pons, or the Police. They are still treating this case like a kidnapping until they have reason to suspect otherwise,
which might have to be a :30 ad in Prime Time from Frida telling her parents that she left voluntarily and was not kidnapped, although even then Mr. Pons would probably insist the police find her because he is the richest man in Mexico City and a very important architect.
Architecture is very important in Mexico City.

But the fact that Frida still looks alive, with a new, edgy look, has definitely taken some pressure off of the Pons Extended Family, which means they can go back to fighting, and behaving as badly as they always do.

For example, one of Mr. Pons’ sisters, Rafaela, is married to Salvador, and they are the parents of two of Frida’s Disco Cousins Tomas and Ingrid.
Mr. Pons other sister, Gabriella, is married to Antonio, and they are the parents of the Kissing Cousin, Diego. They are all hiding Secrets and Lies, which is not easy to do when you live in they middle of the forest, next door to your siblings who you also work with all day.

Let’s start with Rafaela and Salvador – they work together at the Pons Architectural Dynasty, like everyone else in the family. But It’s clear that Rafaela would prefer Salvador stay home with the kids because apparently he is better at laundry than architecture. Rafaela has very severe, super-straight hair, and wears a lot of black, which is how we know she is more interested in her career than her family. Frida’s disappearance has not stopped them from arguing and insulting each other all day, or from trying to claim that they are not better at grocery shopping than their spouse.

The other Pons sister, Gabriela, is more of a free spirit, and we know that because her hair is soft with a loose wave, and her clothes are colorful and unconstructed. Her husband Antonio looks exactly like the President of the Tight-Ass Club, and if I had to guess after just two episodes, I would say that somewhere along the way, the sisters either intentionally switched husbands, or accidentally mixed them up.
Gabriela and Antonio don’t bicker, but don’t seem that interested in each other either. They seem like two people who are seated in the same row in an airplane. Polite, but they’d rather not talk to each other. Their son Diego apparently feels the same way, because he spends most of his time at home either stoned in his bedroom, fist-fighting with his cousin Tomas, making-out with his cousin Frida, or ignoring his cousin Ingrid, Tomas’ sister. But that’s ok, because if this show had a sub-title, it would be “Everyone Ignores Ingrid,” which makes Ingrid a Prime Suspect in her cousin Frida’s voluntary disappearance.

Everyone is a suspect in Frida’s voluntary disappearance except for Frida herself.

So not only is everyone back at work at the Pons Architectural Dynasty the next day (except for Friday’s mom Mrs Pons, who is finding more and more excuses to visit Det. Handsome at the police station, and we know she’s sad because she wears a sweater over her dress).

Gabriela has just welcomed back an old, very handsome friend named Angel Olvera, who she hugged and kissed about a thousand times in front of her husband Antonio, which tells you a lot about their marraige. I am just not sure what yet.
After Gabriela spent all morning kissing Angel, he stopped by her office at Pons Architectural Dynasty, where she started hugging and kissing him again, even though they just broke apart apart an hour before.
Angel also seems to share a secret with Antonio, and it’s not just that his wife likes to kiss Angel an awful lot.

Meanwhile, Mr. Pons has received a mysterious call from a stranger who claims to have Frida, and wants One Million Pesos for her return. He and Mr. Pons called each other “Disgraciada” a lot on the telephone, and then it was a draw. I am pretty sure Mr Pons’ friend and partner got the money out of the company for him to pay the kidnapper, and Mr. Pons didn’t tell the police or his wife that he was about to pay someone 1,000,000 pesos for Frida’s return. I am not sure why that amount was so high, because clearly the kidnapper didn’t spend any money on the kidnapping.

When we last left Episode 2, Mr. Pons and his Briefcase Full of Cash were at an old factory, where the kidnapper insisted they meet. Somehow, the police got wise to the ransom meet, because they are there too. It is quite possible that the only person who is not at the Secret Ransom Drop is the Ransomee herself, La Frida.

Additionally, the police uncovered a message on social media, where someone anonymous (not for long) predicted that Frida would be dead soon. They are investigating that by going to visit Ingrid, which is probably fine by Ingrid because she doesn’t seem to have many friends, and an interrogation is better than nothing.

I have my own theory about why Frida disappeared:

  1. She probably has no privacy because her aunts, uncles, and cousins are always hanging around; and
  2. She has the awful, scary Mexico stairs in her house that are so treacherous that she can never do the Crazy Teenage Girl Storm-Out, because she’d fall going up or down those stairs. (These stairs, that are all over Mexico, are the most dangerous thing in this beautiful and complicated country.)

I predict that when the Pons sisters find out that their beloved brother took $1,000,000 out of the company they won’t be happy. They were teenage girls once themselves, and know that Frida probably isn’t worth it.

Don’t miss Episode 3 tonight!! This novela is off to a great start, and like every great novela, it’s just going to get better!!

See you there!

Telemundo

BuscandoAFrida

Telemundo
Telemundo Internacional
Argos

Scene of the makeover…
These stairs would drive anyone to run away from home!

“My Mexican Mistakes!”

Here’s the latest episode of my podcast- “My Mexican Mistakes!”

My podcast is all about my new life in Mexico City, the biggest city in the world. I moved here having never been here before, only speaking Telenovela Spanish, and not knowing the Metric System, so I was bound to make mistakes!

The podcast is available on Apple, Spotify, Google, Anchor, and every other platform in the world!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-mexican-mistake-s/id1474401635?i=1000456918303

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES.. AND MURDER & MAYHEM!!”

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you combined a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie?
Well wonder no more… Merry Christmas!!!

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES… AND MURDER & MAYHEM.”

(EPISODE 7)

When we last left off, JAYCEE was about to kiss LUPITA under the mistletoe he’s been dragging around all night. Lupita pauses, to again make Jaycee confirm that they are not Brother & Sister. Jaycee does, and is about to go in for the kiss, when his mother BLANCA’S bloodcurdling scream pierces the night. Not unreasonably, Lupita is now sure that they ARE Brother & Sister, based upon Blanca’s scream.

But no, that’s not it.

Blanca is screaming for help, because either her Husband PABLO or her Brother-in-Law ROBERTO is DEAD! Killed on the front porch of the Ciderville Village Town Hall. The Santa, Mrs. Santa, and Elves that dominate the Christmas decorations on the porch were shot too; Rudolph’s Red Nose is shattered.

MAYOR LUIS & SHERIFF RICARDO immediately take over the crime scene, and protect it with decorative Christmas ribbon because they don’t have any Crime Scene tape, because they have never had a Crime Scene in Cedarville.

Now, there is only one twin remaining – but they mystery is Which Twin Is It? Since Pablo and Roberto were so identical, and wore matching Christmas sweaters to the Ciderville Village Hall, who is dead, and who is alive? The Twin Left Alive insists he is Pablo, but Blanca is not so sure, and looks at him through narrowed eyes. The Twin Who Insists He’s Pablo tells Luis and Ricardo he didn’t see who shot his brother – that someone ran up to them in a Santa Claus mask, shot Roberto several times, then jumped into a waiting car. Pablo doesn’t know if it was a man or a woman, can’t give a height/weight description, and was too startled to notice the clothes, or make/model of the car. Basically, Pablo says “I heard shots, saw nothing.” (A phrase that people who work in law enforcement in Chicago will recognize.) Luis & Ricardo are very unhappy with the complete lack of information provided by the only witness to the murder, who happens to be the identical twin of the victim…

MEANWHILE… Back at the old, abandoned mansion…

SANDRITA and ANTONIO are still locked in in the attic bedroom, and their only source of light, the Christmas Candle, is about to die out…Sandrita suggests that they share the sleigh bed to keep warm until help comes. Antonio is tempted, but does not want to give up trying to get out of there. As he continues to pull hard on the locked door, at that very moment the door opens easily, and those force of physics throws Antonio backwards onto the sleighbed with Sandrita.

FERNANDA opened the door from the outside, and is amused at the sight of Antonio and Sandrita in bed together. Fernanda demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!” But Antonio turns the tables and demands to know of her “Y TU, QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

MEANWHILE … Back at the CIDERVILLE GINERBREAD VILLAGE HALL, Sheriff Ricardo think it would be a good idea to move the Homicide Investigation into the Ciderville Police Department, which is the room next door, but an anxious FRANCESCA reminds him the Police Department is not available because all of the Christmas presents for the Orphanage are there – there’s no room for anything or anyone else. Mayor Luis stops Francesca as she tries to leave, reminding her that there is no orphanage in Ciderville, because there are no orphans in Ciderville. Suddenly, twin boys appear in the doorway of the Village Hall, and announce that there are Two Orphans in Ciderville … “We are Roberto’s sons… and now that he is dead, we have no parents for Christmas…”

This IS news!!!!

MEANWHILE… Back at the Abandoned Old Mansion…

Fernanda tells Antonio and Sandrita that she has been living there… what are they doing there? Antonio demands to know who else is living there – he saw Fernanda in the window leaning over someone sitting in the rocking chair and he also heard shots. Who shot who, and where is the person sitting in the rocking chair?

Sandrita pulls out a badge and announces she is with Interpol, and has been following Antonio – and demands that Fernanda answer Antonio’s questions. And then leave her and Antonio alone to discuss the case. In the bedroom.

Antonio sees Fernanda is trying to stuff something into her pocket – it’s a SANTA MASK!!!

Antonio pulls the Santa Mask away from a worried Fernanda, and looking directly at the Santa Mask says “Mira nada mas… QUE HACES AQUI?!?” (“Well, well, well, look who’s here … What are you doing here?!?”). Fernanda looks scared. And Guilty.

MEANWHILE … Back at the Village Town Hall … in the Kitchen

A worried GINA finds a more worried VERONICA hiding in the kitchen, preparing more hot cider and trays of Christmas Cookies. Gina asks Veronica “Que haces aqui?!?!? Veronica tells her it looks like it’s going to be a long night, and everyone could probably use more cider and cookies. Gina doesn’t buy it, and says, “No, I mean what are you doing here, hiding in the kitchen?”

Veronica tells Gina it is too upsetting to be so close to Roberto’s dead body, especially in the Christmas sweater that she knitted for him. Gina is surprised to hear that – she didn’t know that Veronica had knitted that sweater herself. Something about that bit of news does not make sense, but before Gina can think it through, Veronica tells Gina that maybe Mayor Luis is right – maybe they should sell the “Ye Old Ciderville Christmas Shop” to Lupita now that Roberto is dead. The two women stand in the doorway of the kitchen, and watch Sheriff Ricardo interrogate Jaycee and Lupita together, as they hold hands, which is not something usually allowed in an interrogation…

Gina reminds Veronica that Lupita still denies that she is The Very Busy and Unhappy Career Woman Who Hates Christmas And Has Come To Ciderville To Buy It and Destroy It.

Veronica, watching Jaycee and Lupita together, while Jaycee still holds the mistletoe, reminds Gina that Gina knows exactly who Lupita is… and that she sure doesn’t look like a woman who hates Christmas…

MEANWHILE … back at Roberto’s body still surrounded by Christmas ribbon…

DR. DE LA FA LA LA LA LA (“DOC”) is examining Roberto’s bullet-riddled body. DOC is the town doctor and was also elected Ciderville Town Coroner, but since the town of Ciderville has never had a mysterious death before, this is Doc’s first time as Coroner.

Mayor Luis and Sheriff Ricardo watch Doc count and describe the bullet holes, as LAS COLOMBIANAS take notes and are all business. They have been Deputized by Sheriff Ricardo to be Special Assistant Deputies in this Homicide Investigation. They have a lot to say as Doc runs down the entrance and exit wounds, and speculates about where the shooter shot from.

LA COLOMBIANA notices a suspicious white powder at a corner of Roberto’s mouth. She looks down at it and mumbles “Que haces aqui?!” To the powder.

THE OTHER COLOMBIANA bends down for a closer look, and removes a bit of it from Roberto’s lip, and tastes the powder.

“POISON!!!” She announces.

“He was dead before he hit the ground!!!”

Everyone looks at each other, extremely suspiciously…

Except for Doc, who looks thoroughly confused…

To be continued …

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & Miracles … AND MURDER & MAYHEM!! (Episode 6)

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you mashed up a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie? Well here ya go: “A Season For Magic & Miracles.., And Murder & Mayhem…”

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES… AND MURDER & MAYHEM” – (EPISODE 6)

A TELENOVELA WRAPPED UP IN A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE!

CIDERVILLE VILLAGE HALL…

When we last left Ciderville, ANTONIO had startled MAYOR LUIS, when he appeared at the back of the Gingerbread Hall, and all eyes follow MAYOR LUIS as he and the handsome new stranger stare at each other. ANTONIO pulls out his gun and everyone ducks.

Then suddenly, he takes a big bite of the chocolate barrel and a big grin spreads all over his face and Mayor Luis starts laughing. All eyes are on the two old friends as they meet and hug. FERNANDA, who has watched the entire scene unfold from her hiding place in the back of the hall, finds Antonio’s real gun that he buried in a nearby gigantic Advent calendar, and takes it, hiding it in her purse. Antonio watches Fernanda as she does that while he’s hugging Mayor Luis, but doesn’t say anything as he watches her scurry away. Luis introduces Antonio to the residents of Ciderville, and he asks them to welcome him as warmly as they welcomed him. The townspeople welcome Antonio, and he gets a lot of compliments on his Christmas sweater. SHERIFF RICARDO introduces himself to Antonio, but there is immediate tension between the two of them. (Could it be that Sheriff Ricardo knows something Antonio does not – specifically, that there are only two LAS COLOMBIANAS??)

We leave Antonio and Ricardo sizing each other up, for a battle that is inevitable…

MEANWHILE …

Antonio tells Luis he’s got to run, and will find him in town tomorrow and they can catch up. Antonio escapes from the Gingerbread Village Hall in search of Fernanda, the beautiful, mysterious woman who stole his gun out of the Advent Calendar and ran away.

Antonio finds Fernanda running away down Main Street and follows her to an old, abandoned Victorian mansion. The gate is off it’s hinges, most of the windows are broken, and the gingerbread trim is falling off. A lone candle sits in the window at the top. Antonio watches from the alley nearby as Fernanda take out his gun,and enter the house carefully. He watches the top window, and within a moment sees her shadow bending over a figure he cannot make out. He pulls out a cigarette and a lighter lights up next to him, startling him. It’s SANDRITA, the beautiful, mysterious woman from the alley in Point Unpleasant, who had asked Antonio to set her on fire, figuratively speaking. Not only is she in a Christmas sweater – her earrings are mini-Rudolphs who’s noses light up. Antonio quickly pulls off her earrings – someone might see them! “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?” Antonio demands to know. Sandrita tells him that she’s here to help him… Suddenly, they hear gunfire coming from the abandoned Victorian Fernanda slipped into, and they watch as a figure in the window collapses…

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Ciderville Village Hall, Mayor Luis is just concluding the town meeting about The Busy Career Woman From The Big City Who Hates Christmas And Wants To Buy Ciderville So She Can Destory It. LUPITA, looking extra-Christmas-y, is still getting glares and stares from most of the citizens of the town who are convinced it’s her. Then Mayor Luis throws a monkey-wrench into his presentation, when he suggests that maybe Ciderville should do the Opposite of Every Christmas Town in America and just SELL CIDERVILLE for as much money as they can get! He points out the ‘Pro’s’ of such a move – first and foremost, they can stop wearing Christmas sweaters and listening to Christmas music non-stop.

Luis is unnerved by the hard looks he’s getting, but it’s clear that a few people find the idea appealing. Luis studies the faces across from him, and asks them to just think about it. “Meanwhile, it’s time for some hot cider and homemade Christmas Cookies, and just like we do every year, you are welcome to eat parts of the Gingerbread Village Hall, but please avoid the retaining walls and support beams until closer to New Year’s. “. A loud cheer goes up as the audience rises and starts eating, drinking and dancing to Christmas music.

MEANWHILE… Back at the Abandoned Mansion…

After the gunfire stops, Antonio orders Sandrita to stay put, he’s going to investigate. Sandrita pulls out her badge and announces she’s with Interpol, and her Christmas vacation is over. She’s going with. Sandrita also warns Antonio to “not leave town – you’ll never find a Christmas town as beautiful and Christmas-y as Ciderfalls.” They run to the Mansion together to find out what happened …

MEANWHILE … Back at the Ciderville Village Hall…in the hallway next to the Meeting Hall…

LAS COLOMBIANAS have been spying on the meeting and what Mayor Luis is telling the crowd. La Colombiana listens closely, while The Other Colombiana takes notes. When Luis tells the crowd maybe they should sell Ciderville – they could all make a lot of money – Las Colombianas are outraged, and as soon as Luis leaves the stage and walks past them, The Other Colombiana breaks a Christmas vase over his head and they drag his body into a nearby office, while …

Francesca has been spying on Las Colombianas spying on Luis and also sees them drag his unconscious body into the nearest office. Francesca quickly makes a phone call, telling the person who answers – “I have got some news for you. Meet me at the Christmas Cantina. NO! The OTHER Christmas Cantina!!!

MEANWHILE…Back at the Abandoned Mansion, Antonio and Sandrita finally make the long climb to the top floor of the mansion, only to find the still-lit candle, shell cases, but No Body and No Fernanda. However, they do find something interesting – A Document that appears extremely ancient. We can’t see what it is but when they read it, their eyes open very wide, as if they are in shock.

Then, a breeze slams the door shut and blows the candle out, and they are suddenly plunged into darkness… Sandrita lights the lone candle in the room again, and tells Antonio that Las Colombianas have the right idea – Christmas sweaters with candles built right into them.

Antonio tries the door – they are LOCKED IN! And they can’t get any service on their cell-phones.

Sandrita and Antonio look around the room – there’s only an old-fashioned Christmas tree thankfully strung with popcorn, a rocking chair, and one bed covered in down Christmas blankets… Are you thinking what Sandrita is thinking?????

MEANWHILE… Back in the Ciderville Village Hall…

People continue to hang around and celebrate Christmas, and Luis possibly excellent idea, with hot cider and Christmas Cookies. GABI and GINA meet over the hot cider punch bowl when they reach for the ladle at the same time.

Gabi wants to know from Gina “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

Gina responds that she could ask Gabi the same thing – for all anyone knows, Leonardo is the person who wants to buy Ciderville – he never appreciated the living, breathing heart of Ciderville, and the idea of a year-round, 24-hours a day ChristmasTown…

They are joined at the punchbowl by ROBERTO & PABLO, who confront each other in their matching Christmas sweaters. Roberto insists his is of a better quality – that they only sell the best of Christmas at “Ye Olde Ciderville Chrismas Shop,” while Pablo insists their stuff is junk, and that he, and his store The Ciderville General “El Generalissimo” Store are where all Christmas wishes come true – even the ones you never knew you had. They begin shoving each other over who has the better Christmas store, and when someone yells for Mayor Luis, Sheriff Ricardo finally realizes Luis is missing!

MEANWHILE… In the tiny office of the Village Hall where all non-Christmas supplies are kept…

Luis wakes up from being knocked out, looks around the store-room filled with boring office supplies, and looks at his captors who are still eating Arepas, Las Colombianas, and asks “QUE ESTOY HACIENDO AQUI?!?!” (“What Am I Doing Here?!?”)

Las Colombianas really give Mayor Luis an earful about his idea to go along with the sale of the town and stop living Christmas around-the-clock. Their very fast talking and extremely unusual accents are not making Luis’ headache any better, but as everyone knows, there is nothing that an Arepa can’t cure, so he eats a few and listens to their objections. Since they are very against waste, and have devoted their lives to fighting Global Warming, it is their opinion that destroying the town of Ciderville, no matter who much money everyone can make, will be very harmful. They add that they hit him over the head really hard to help make their point. They beg Luis to save the town of Ciderville, as only Las Colombianas can…

MEANWHILE… Back in the Village Hall…

The residents of Ciderville continue arguing with one another-

JOSE & JOSUE confront Oscar about trying to steal NADIA away from her husband, but Nadia insists to Oscar that she no longer loves JOSUE, and was going to leave him anyway. Jose and Josue find this admission very interesting, because Nadia is married to JOSE, not JOSUE. Nadia bursts into tears, and protests that it is not her fault – it’s their fault because they insist of wearing very similar Christmas sweaters and she can no longer tell them apart…

LEONARDO happily watches all of the bickering between the residents of Ciderville, and FRANCESCA, still smoking with her cigarette holder, is enjoying it just as much. The two of them bond over the Christmas discord and share a piece of the Gingerbread Town Hall. Francesca makes The Cigarette Move on Leonardo, but it’s less effective with a cigarette in a cigarette holder because it’s further away and not as intimate. Nonetheless, LUPITA, from across the room, sees it and doesn’t like it. Lupita walks right up to Leonardo, pulls him away from Francesca, and demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!? I am your wife!!” Francesca bursts out laughing, and Leonardo reminds Lupita that she didn’t even know they were married until he told her. He hands her a gigantic gumdrop as a Christmas peace offering, and strolls off with Francesca.

Lupita stands in the midst of the Ciderville citizens’ bickering and looks lost, because she has no one to argue with. JAYCEE strolls up, and very seductively, he asks Lupita “Que Haces Aqui?!” He then points up, and reminds her she is standing under the mistletoe. As he goes in for a kiss, Lupita stops him, and asks “Are you sure we are not brother and sister?”

Jaycee responds with one of the scariest phrases in Telenovelaville – “Confiar en mi.” – “Trust me.”

Jaycee goes in for the kiss again- but this time he’s stopped by a bloodcurdling scream from his mother, BLANCA!!

Blanca is standing outside, just outside of the front door of the Village Hall.

And someone is dead at her feet.

It could be her husband PABLO, or it could be his brother ROBERTO…

It’s impossible to tell which one is dead and which one is alive because they are identical twins in matching Christmas sweaters…

But either way, it’s bad…

To be continued…

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES & MURDER & MAYHEM – Episode 5

Have you ever wished a Hallmark Christmas Movie could be more like a telenovela? Have you ever wondered what would happen if you mashed-up a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie?? Well, now’s your chance… Look for a new episode every day of my telenovela “A Season for Magic & Miracles, and Murder & Mayhem… “

EPISODE 5 – “A TIME FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES … AND MURDER & MAYHEM”. — Yet Another Stranger Comes To Town

(A TELENOVELA COMBINED WITH A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE)

We are in a dark alley. There are remnants of snow around, but basically, the snow is so old and dirty that the alley looks like a dirty ashtray. A caption tells us we are “Unpleasant Point,” New York.” Suddenly, we hear the footsteps of someone being chased – it’s a very handsome and mysterious man (“ANTONIO”). He stops at the edge of the alley – maybe he has escaped. He is scruffy and kind of beat-up, which somehow makes him look even more handsome.

As he catches his breath, he puts his gun back in his jeans pocket and looks around. Except for the sound of a dirty sax playing “Marry Christmas Baby,” coming from a nearby strip club, there is nothing at all Christmas-y about this dark, damp alley. Antonio hears the voices of the men who have been chasing him, so he begins to run towards a neon blinking “Unpleasant Point Bus Terminal.” He is stopped by a beautiful and mysterious woman who emerges from the shadows, and asks him for a light. This woman is “SANDRITA,” and she does not have a cigarette, which Antonio points out to her. “What is it you want me to light,” Antonio asks Sandrita. “My heart, mi amor – set me on fire.” Antonio ponders this odd yet intriguing response, assumes that this beautiful and mysterious woman was speaking figuratively, and excuses himself because there are men chasing him who want to kill him.

Sandrita watches Antonio run into the bus station, lights a cigarette and says to herself, “See you in Ciderville, mi amor.” Under her coat, we can what looks like the collar of a Christmas sweater.

The inside of the Unpleasant Point Bus Depot is even more grim and less Christmas-y than the alley, if such a thing is even metaphysically possible. Antonio makes his way to the lone cashier, who is dozing and eating at the same time. A small portable TV behind him plays “Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol.” Antonio comments that he’s happy to see something for the holidays here – for awhile he thought Unpleasant Point didn’t celebrate Christmas. At first the cashier is confused, then tells Antonio it’s the only tv station they can get this deep into the mountains of upstate New York – the signal comes from a town called “Ciderville,” and they show Christmas movies 24-hours a day. He only has the TV on to keep his dinner warm – and points to a casserole dish sitting on top of the TV. Antonio, who keeps looking over his shoulder, asks for a bus ticket for the next bus out of town – doesn’t care where it’s going. Without missing a beat the cashier tells him “You’re in luck Santa – you’re going to Ciderville.” He takes Antonio’s cash, hands him a ticket, and points to the lone bus sitting in the terminal. “It’s just about to leave – better hurry up.”

Antonio takes the ticket, runs to the bus, but stops to give an elderly blind man with a red bucket some money. After Antonio drops a big wad of cash into the bucket, he wishes the old man a Merry Christmas and hurries to the bus. The elderly blind man removes his sunglasses, looks at the cash in the bucket and watches Antonio get on the bus.

The two men who have been chasing Antonio arrive just as the bus pulls away. They ask the old (not really blind) man where that bus is going, and the old man tells them “Sacramento.” Defeated for now, the two men shoulders’ slump and ask where the nearest rental car business is. The old man points to the car rental office in the terminal, but adds that it’s closed for the night, and they had better make themselves comfortable …

MEANWHILE…

Back in CIDERVILLE, LUPITA runs up Main Street, where she runs into OSCAR, who is running towards her. They both have to dodge groups of carolers dressed like Dickens characters handing out cups of hot cider and Christmas cookies to passers-by. Lupita has just escaped the Ciderville “El Generalissimo” General Store, while Oscar has just escaped the Ciderville Christmas Candle-Inn. They have never been so happy to see each other, and bring each other up to date on the lunatics they have just managed to escape from. The two of them compare notes:

In a flashback, Lupita describes the disturbing encounter with the very handsome LEONARDO, who is GABI’s brother, and apparently one of GINA’s enemies. Lupita tells Oscar how Leonardo made a beeline for her, and insisted she was his wife! Oscar interrupts to ask her if this Leonardo thinks she is this FERNANDA too, but Lupita says, “NO!! HE CALLED ME LUPITA AND INSISTS WE ARE MARRIED!!”

Oscar is very surprised at this, and tries to ask Lupita if it’s possible that she married this LEONARDO somewhere and forgot? Lupita agrees that anything is possible during the magic of Christmas, but she’s pretty sure she’d remember marrying a man as handsome as Leonardo. Lupita adds that when she tried to convince Leonardo that they are not married, Leonardo confessed to her that Lupita was in a “Conscious Coma” when they got married, and that is why she doesn’t remember.

Oscar then shares his story with her – we see it unfold in flashback – that he had really fallen hard for this NADIA, and confesses he allowed her to puncture the tires to the car so he could spend the night with her, but then tells Lupita that while he and Nadia were in the cantina, two very dangerous criminal-types came in, JOSUE and JOSE, and that one of the criminals (Oscar doesn’t know which one because their names are vey similar and they were both wearing Christmas sweaters) announced that Nadia is his wife. Oscar says that Nadia insisted it is not true, but when the man broke a beer bottle on the bar, after crushing a glass in his hand, Oscar thought he had better leave, with Jose, Josue and Nadia chasing him down Main Street. He adds he was only able to get away because a group of very small people dressed as elves were walking up Main Street looking for Santa’s Village, which Osar wants to visit before they leave.

Oscar looks down at Lupita’s brightly colored Christmas shopping bag that reads “HAVE A MERRY CIDERVILLE CHRISTMAS – FOR ALL OF THE WISHES YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD!!!” Oscar asks “What’s in the bag?!” Lupita answers his question by pulling two Christmas sweaters out of the bag – His and Hers.” Oscar shakes his head NO, but Lupita insists – they need to wear them to blend into the big town meeting tonight at the Gingerbread Village Hall. Lupita reminds him that this is why they came all this way – they have to wear these sweaters tonight – they have to be at the big meeting!! Plus, Lupita adds that there will be hot cider and homemade cookies. And that Nadia will certainly be there, since she owns the Bed and Breakfast in town! Lupita promises Oscar that she will keep Jose and Josue busy so Oscar can talk to Nadia and straighten the whole married/not married issue out. Oscar reminds Lupita that she has the same issue to figure out for herself, but agrees to go to the meeting, and wear the Christmas sweater.

As Lupita and Oscar hash out the details of their plan, GINA hovers nearby, spying on them from the side of the building they are next to. In fact, it’s hard to see how Lupita can’t see her, but if she would just look a few more inches to her right, or pay attention to all of the people wishing Gina a “Merry Christmas” as they walk by her, Lupita might realize that Gina has overheard everything she and Oscar said…

As Oscar and Lupita walk away in search of a room somewhere other than Nadia’s Bed and Breakfast, and a place to try on their Christmas sweaters, Gina emerges from the shadows and watches them walk away. “Be careful, mi amor,” she whispers. LEONARDO has been spying on them too, from the other side of the building, and when he hears Gina say “Be Careful, Mi Amor,” he stops, and approaches her very seductively. “Are you talking to me?” he asks. “Well who else would I be talking to?” responds Gina. Leonardo offers Gina his arm and asks her if she’ll join him for a hot cider. Gina accepts with pleasure, and they two of them sashay down Main Street together. As they pass by the window of the Ciderville “El Generalissimo” General Store, GABI watches her brother walk arm-in-arm with her archenemy, takes a chocolate Santa Clause off of the tree, and bites off the head.

MEANWHILE … Back at the Ciderville Village Hall…

LAS COLOMBIANAS are very busy chatting, chattering, and decorating the Town Hall, getting ready for the big meeting tonight. They have brought Arepas for everyone, claiming that since they are Colombian, they can’t live on Hot Cider and Cookies alone. Somehow, they are able to dance while they work, but once Maluma’s version of “(Baby Please) Come Home For Christmas” starts playing, all work stops as the two lead a Zumba lesson.

MAYOR LUIS and SHERIFF RICARDO watch Las Colombianas and agree they are in love with them, even though they can’t understand most of what they say, and they would feel a lot more confident if they knew who this “Parce” fellow was.

They toast each other with an Arepa and watch the Christmas Zumba lesson Las Colombianas give to the rest of the group.

MEANWHILE… Back on the bus to Cedarville…

Antonio watches the towns roll by as the bus travels towards Ciderville. A big happy family at the front of the bus sings Chrismas Carols, while another woman hands out homemade Christmas Cookies, and pours everyone a little hot cider from her gigantic thermos.

Antonio realizes his seatmate, an older woman wearing a headband with reindeer ears and a Christmas sweater pulls an apple out of her bag and offers it to Antonio. He refuses it at first, but she tells him she has an extra-one and he looks like he could use it. She reminds him it’s a long way to Cedarville and he needs to eat. This woman is CLARA. Antonio gratefully accepts the apple and they start talking. Clara suggests that Antonio buys a Christmas sweater as soon as he gets to town, or else he’ll stick out, and whoever is chasing him will be able to find him. Antonio asks Clara what makes her think he’s being chased, but Clara just gives him a knowing look and tells him that unless that gun in his waistband is made of chocolate, which are the only guns allowed in Cedarville, he better stash it somewhere before he goes into town.

Antonio sheepishly looks down at his fun, stuffs it deep in his pocket, and joins in with Clara and the Carolers, as they belt out “Feliz Navidad.”

The bus rolls through the dark New York hills… It’s snowing, but when the bus pulls into Cedarville, there is no snow anywhere…

MEANWHILE… Back at the Ciderville Village Hall…

Mayor Luis and Sheriff Ricardo help Las Colombianas as they build a Kissing Booth. The Kissing Booth is creating tension between Las Colombianas and Luis and Ricardo, because Luis and Ricardo do not want Las Colombianas kissing anyone but them. And another thing creating tension is that neither Luis or Ricardo can remember either one of their names, and now it’s too late to ask, so they refer to them as LA COLOMBIANA and THE OTHER COLOMBIANA, and to make matters worse, they’re are not even sure which Colombiana they are talking about at any given time, nor can either one of the two men remember which Colombiana they like. And the tension definitely increases when the girls begin talking about a guy named “Parcero,” who Luis and Ricardo are pretty sure is “Parce’s” hermano (“Brother”).

As Luis and Ricardo watch Las Colombianas prepare themselves for the kissing booth by repeatedly checking their lipstick, and blowing out the tiny candles on their crop-top Christmas sweaters so they can light them again, an anxious Fernanda spies on them from around the gingerbread corner, smoking with one hand and eating bits of the buttercream windowsill with the other…

As the crowd begins to pour into the Meeting Hall of the Village Hall, the atmosphere is festive, EXTREMELY CHRISTMAS-Y, and ripe for some very big hijinx…

Lupita and Oscar stroll in in their new Christmas sweaters… Lupita wears a crown of garland covered in tinsel, so she clearly thinks there is some kind of prize for “Best Costume,” – not realizing this is a pretty standard look for the women of Ciderville. There’s Nadia, flanked by Josue and Jose… She has thrown caution and tradition to the wind by wearing a red mini-dress a la Scarlett O’Hara at the Ball in Atlanta…

In strolls ROBERTO flanked by Gina and Veronica, followed quickly by JAYCEE, flanked by his parents BLANCA and PABLO. When Pablo and Roberto face-off, not only are they identical twins, but to add to the confusion, they are wearing identical Christmas sweaters… In comes Leonardo escorting his sister Gabi – he has traded his finely-tailored Italian suit for a Christmas sweater too. Gabi wears a Christmas sweater-dress, which every woman in the Hall is envious of.

Fernanda is wearing a silver mini-dress with tiny Christmas sweaters sewn all over it, and because she thinks this is a formal event, she has placed her cigarette in a holder.

The room is buzzing with competing Christmas get-ups, hot cider, Christmas cookies, and even though it looks like a party, they are all there for a very important purpose – to discuss what to do about “The Busy Career Woman From The Big City Who Wants To Buy Ciderville To Destroy It Because She Hates Christmas.”

As Mayor Luis tries to call the meeting to order, he bangs on the gavel and people gradually take their seats, except for Las Colombianas and the men (and a few women) lined up at the Kissing Booth.

An angry Sheriff Ricardo breaks up the line at the Kissing Booth, declares it officially “Closed,” and order everyone to their seats. For the first order of Village Business, Mayor Luis moves to ban Kissing Booths, Sheriff Ricardo “Seconds” the motion, and Mayor Luis orders Las Colombianas to his office to await further instructions from him and Sheriff Ricardo.

The room finally begins to quiet down, when Mayor Luis, still at the podium, sees Antonio standing at the back of the room. All eyes follow, and the room goes very quiet, as everyone stares at yet ANOTHER stranger who’s come to town. Finally, from the podium, Mayor Luis yells, “ANTONIO, QUE HACES AQUII?!?!?!?!?” (“Antonio, what are you doing here?!?!?!”)

Antonio stares at Luis for a moment, and then pulls out his gun… Everyone ducks…

And no one sees FERNANDA, standing right behind him…

… To Be Continued…

EPISODE 4

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES … AND MURDER & MAYHEM!”

When we last left off yesterday, GINA was at the door of the Ciderville ‘El Generalissimo’ General Store, and GABI was not happy to see her, while LUPITA was still reeling from the events of the day so far,and she had only been in town for a few hours!

Gina is holding a snowglobe filled with Dalmation puppies, and still in her Christmas sweater.

An angry Gabi asks her “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!? (What are you doing here?!?)”

Gina responds that she is there to see FERNANDA. Lupita insists she is not Fernanda, and wants to know why everyone keeps calling her ‘Fernanda.’

For the umpteenth time that day (so far) she tells Gina in no uncertain terms that she is NOT this ‘Fernanda,’ and adds for good measure, that she is not here to buy the town of Ciderville, either.

She then adds, to both Gina and Gabi, that she is NEVER going to wear a Christmas Sweater, and that when people in The Big City wear them, they wear them as jokes, for ‘Ugly Sweater’ contests.

Gina and Gabi bless themselves.

Gina asks Gabi for a moment of privacy with ‘Lupita.’ Gabi is reluctant to do so, but Lupita insists it’s ok, and so Gabi goes to the store-room to unpack more Christmas sweaters, which is also an excellent listening post.

Before she goes, she asks if anyone wants any hot cider, but no one does.

Gabi pretends to go into the store-room, but she stands in the doorway, where she can hear everything.

Lupita asks Gina what she wants, and demands that Gina explains why Gina, Veronica and Roberto kidnapped her earlier that day.

Gina reminds her it was more in the nature of an “Unlawful Restraint,” and not a full-blown Kidnapping, but agrees it was wrong and apologizes and begs Lupita for her forgiveness. Lupita says she forgives them, but wants to know WHY??? Gina tells her that the Town of Ciderville is very important to all of them, and they heard that a Busy Career Woman From The Big City Who Hates Christmas was coming to Ciderville to buy the town to destroy, and that she and her partners had decided to hold The Career Woman hostage until after Christmas, so that Ciderville could have “One Last Christmas,” but that when they saw the Career Woman was Fernanda, they just couldn’t do it.

In the middle of the conversation, they hear the screech of tires, and Gabi, Gina and Lupita run to the windows of the shop, where they see the long, black limo we saw at the end of yesterday’s episode has stopped in front of the store. The tall, very handsome, elegant man in a perfectly tailored Italian suit emerges from the back of the car, and again removes his photo of “Fernanda” from his wallet, then looks directly at the faces of the three women in the window. Lupita shows no emotion, Gabi’s face breaks into a big smile, and a stunned Gina drops the Dalmation snow-globe, shattering it into a thousand pieces. And then faints in case anyone missed the point.

The man – LEONARDO – begins walking up the Candy Cane Lane to the shop… Taking his time… Enjoying this moment…

MEANWHILE…

NADIA and OSCAR are still day-drinking, at a different Cantina in town, the “Ciderville Christmas Candle-Inn.”

The Cande-Inn has no artificial lights, is entirely lit by Christmas candles, and the bartender dresses like Santa Clause, the Bar-backs dress as elves, and the waitresses dress like Mrs. Clause. But not a “Naughty’ Mrs Clause – more like a Hallmark Mrs Clause.

It’s one of the most popular places in town, because everyone looks great in candlelight.

In between steamy embraces, in their corner booth, Oscar asks Nadia about the town – specifically, what’s with the cider, and where’s the snow? Nadia is about to answer some of his questions, but changes her mind when “La Murga” comes on the jukebox, and she can’t resist the Christmas salsa music. She pulls Oscar onto the dance floor, and even though the two of them have been drinking all day, they don’t miss a step.

Everyone in the bar begins to clap around them as they take over the floor, yelling “Eso!!”

Just like Mark Anthony.

The music ends with an abrupt scratching-sound, when the doors to the bar open, letting in daylight and two figures of two men standing in the doorway, whose faces are blocked by the sun.

The two men come towards Oscar & Nadia.

Nadia’s eyes open in terror when she realizes it’s JOSE and JOSUE, now in matching Christmas Sweaters.

Jose says to Nadia – “Mira Nada Más” (“Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Here…”) “Go on, my love, why don’t you tell your new lover about the cider?”

Josue adds, and “And don’t forget to tell him about the snow, too!”

Jose and Josue laugh diabolically and crowd Nadia, who pulls herself up bravely to her full height (approximately 5’3”) and demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

Josue brings his face very close to Nadia’s, and tells her “We’re here for you.”

“And for some hot cider,” Jose adds.

Oscar believes this a good time for him to leave the bar, to go find his Patrona Lupita, but Jose and Josue block his exit, which leads Oscar to rethink his exit, and instead orders “Hot Cider all around!!” This breaks the tension, and everyone has a good laugh, until Josue leans right into Oscar’s face, demanding to know “Que Haces Aqui?!?!?!?!?”

Oscar replies that he’s only passing through town with his Patrona,

but Jose corrects him and says “No, I mean what are you doing here with MY WIFE?!?!?”

He then crushes the cider goblet in his hand, never losing eye contact with Oscar…

MEANWHILE-

Back at the Ciderville Village Hall made entirely out of gingerbread, MAYOR LUIS and and SHERIFF RICARDO walk into the small conference room where LAS COLOMBIANAS wait for them, drumming their extremely decorated and very long nails on the table. They are wearing Christmas Sweaters, but because they are Colombian, the sweaters are actually crop-tops that just look like Christmas Sweaters.

The crop-tops are also decorated with small candles that are actually lit, but because Las Colombianas are Colombian, they are not afraid of wearing lit candles.

When Luis and Ricardo walk into the room, Las Colombianos demand to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?”

To which Luis responds “I work here. The better question is “QUE ESTAN HACIENDO AQUI??!” (Which means, “What are you doing here, (plural)?!?!?”)

Ricardo then tells them to put their sweaters out, because this is a “No Smoking” building.

LA COLOMBIANA points at LA FRANCESCA, The Deputy Mayor and Chief Deputy of the Ciderville Police Department, who is spying on them from the doorway, and smoking. La Colombiana demands to know why La Francesca is allowed to smoke, and Luis explains that La Francesca’s grandmother founded the town, so she’s grandfathered in on smoking. And Ricardo reminds them that Francesca is also the Deputy Mayor and Chief Deputy of the Ciderville Police Department, so she can pretty much do whatever she wants. THE OTHER COLOMBIANA objects to the corruption of the Ciderville town government, and also wants to know if she and La Colombiana can have some more hot cider please.

Luis tells them that they can have as much cider as they want once they explain what they are doing there without an appointment.

Las Colombianas explain (In very fast Spanish, in a very strong Colombian dialect that sounds kind of Chinese to an untrained ear, like mine) that they are there in the spirit of Christmas, and want to work with Ciderville to end waste, and to that end, they have a suggestion: After Christmas, they volunteer to take whatever is left of the Gingerbread Town Hall and ship it all to starving children.

Their organization is called “A Nosh for Los Ninos.”

The ladies add that they want to create a Christmas Talent Competition to raise funds for the organization, which will take place on Christmas Eve, and that since they are very talented themselves, they should not be excluded from the competition.

Luis and Ricardo try to catch their breath from the long and fast verbal assault from Las Colombianas, which is just how they talk. But the Mayor and Chief like the idea.

And they like Las Colombianas.

Luis calls for Francesca to bring more hot cider for everyone, and while the four of them toast happier days ahead for their relationship, Francesca watches from the doorway, smoking, and pulls out her phone.

When whoever she is calling answers, Francesca says “My love, I have some very interesting news for you… But it will cost you… Meet me at the Christmas Cantina. …

No! Not that one, the other one!”

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Ciderville “El Generalissimo” General Store, Lupita is trying to revive Gina, while Gabi fusses over LEONARDO with hot cider and cookies, and she holds different Christmas sweaters up to him, trying to decide what will suit him best.

Leonardo really likes those cookies, and doesn’t stop eating them.

He eats and waits for Gina to wake up, and stares at Lupita. Lupita finally revives Gina, and when Gina comes to, she asks Leonardo, “Leonardo, Que Haces Aqui?!?!?”

Gabi reminds GIna that Leonardo is family – her brother – and the better question to Gina is “What are you still doing here?”

Lupita watches them while they argue, and Leonardo interrupts them both with a “Shut Up,” which they obey immediately.

Leonardo begins walking towards a nervous Lupita, who walks backward as he walks forwards, and she nervously asks him what he wants.

Leonardo responds “You, Lupita, I want you – my wife!”

Gina and Gabi bless themselves, and Lupita slaps Leonardo, hard.

And then slaps him once more, in case he didn’t get it the first time.

STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 5!!

#Telenovelas

#HallmarkChristmasMovies

“A Season For Magic & Miracles & …Murder & Mayhem”

And here it is… Episode 3 of my mashup of a Telenovela and a Hallmark Christmas Movie -The adventure that you never knew you needed, because you totally don’t!

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC AND MIRACLES… AND MURDER AND MAYHEM” – EPISODE 3

When we last left Lupita, she was in the Ciderville El Generalissimo General Store, when her romantic and dance-filled reunion with JAYCEE, the extremely handsome man her driver Oscar almost killed earlier in the day, was interrupted by a scary and angry BLANCA, who called Lupita “FERNANDA,” and demanded to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?” – “What are you doing here?!?

Of course, Blanca stopped all music and dancing in the store, which made GABI, the beautiful proprietess of the store very angry. Gabi came out from behind the counter wearing a Christmas shawl (that was also for sale), and demanded to know from Blanca – QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?

Everyone backed off, because no one ever challenges Blanca.

Blanca narrowed her eyes and told Gabi “My husband owns this store, remember?” However, Gabi did not back down at this not-unreasonable answer, and doubled-down with her response: “Yes, that’s true, it is your HUSBAND that owns this store, not you. And I am certain that your husband would not want you intimidating his customers, and also calling them by their wrong names. (Gabi points at Lupita) This is Lupita, not “Fernanda!” And if you came in for a new Christmas sweater for Jaycee, I have some new ones that just arrived that come in all sizes, including “Extra-Handsome.”

As Gabi brought out a new pile of Christmas sweaters, Blanca slowly approached Lupita, and Jaycee stood behind Lupita, which served two purposes: He could appear to be on Lupita’s side, yet he was not in his mother’s way. Blanca stared at Lupita with narrowed eyes, and said to anyone listening “Of course this is Fernanda – don’t you think I would know my own DAUGHTER?!?!?” The scratching sound of a record is heard, interrupting the Christmas music again.

Jaycee moves away from Lupita quickly, and asks Lupita “You’re my sister?!? QUE haces aqui?!?”

We leave Lupita’s stunned and still beautiful face for …

A WAREHOUSE ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CIDERVILLE

The warehouse sits, on a river, at the edge of town.

Ice skaters dressed in Victorian costumes ice skate on the river, while a group of cheerful women pour mugs of steaming Hot Cider to the ice-skating residents of Ciderville.

We move inside of the warehouse, to a dingy office decorated for Christmas. PABLO has been looking out of the window at the ice skaters, and turns to the two other men sitting at a small table in the office, waiting for him to give them his attention. These two men, JOSE and JOSUE look pretty sinister.

Pablo sits down, finally and announces that no matter how much it costs, it is worth it to keep the river frozen at Christmastime. He tells them that skaters dressed as Dickens characters drinking as much Hot Cider as they want is what Christmas is all about. He then asks JOSE and JOSUE how they plan to get rid of Lupita, The Woman Who Wants To Buy Ciderville To Destroy It. They tell Pablo that they have a better plan… And even though they don’t describe any of the details of the “Better Plan,” all three laugh in a very sinister fashion when Pablo says he likes the sound of that.

We leave them for…

THE CIDERVILLE VILLAGE HALL-

The Ciderville Village Hall is the most beautiful building in all of Ciderville. The crest of the town, which is Santa Clause drinking a from a mug of steaming Hot Cider, is emblazoned over the front door. The Village Hall is a Gigantic Gingerbread House, which residents are allowed to eat bits of all year, and then every January, the town builds a new one. However, there is an anti-waste group building strength in town, headed by the beautiful Columbiana, “ known as LA COLUMBIANA,” and her sister, equally beautiful, known as “THE OTHER COLUMBIANA.” Their presence in the town, and efforts to stop the waste of the Gingerbread Town Hall, are creating tension in Ciderville, especially between LAS COLUMBIANAS and The Mayor of Ciderville, LUIS , and RICARDO, the Chief of Police.

Chocolate Christmas Trees decorated in gumdrops, strings of popcorn and candy canes line the halls of the Village Hall, as we find ourselves in the Meeting Hall. As cheerful workers prepare the room with folding chairs strung together with garland and throw tinsel everywhere, other volunteers serve Hot Cider and home-made Christmas Cookies. MAYOR LUIS and CHIEF RICARDO stroll into the hall, surveying the work and workers. Ricardo says that the hall looks perfect, and ready for the big town meeting taking place in a few hours.

Luis says there’s not much more to do now, all they can do is wait to see how the meeting goes. Chief Ricardo caresses the gun in his holster and responds that sometimes “waiting” isn’t always the best course of action – they they “waited” to see what Las Colombianas were up to, and now it’s too late. Luis smiles, and tells Ricardo he knows better than that, and removes his own gun from his shoulder holster. He eyes his gun admiringly, and then takes a big bite out of the barrel, reminding Ricardo that it’s never too late, or too early, for a good piece of Christmas chocolate. Ricardo then takes a big bite out of his gun too, and they leave the workers to finish getting the Hall ready. As they walk out eating their guns, FRANCESCA who is always dressed in evening wear and smoking, runs up to them, panicked. “QUE HACES AQUI???” She yells at both of them, and Luis and Ricardo yell right back at her “QUE HACES AQUI?!? – We work here!”

Francesca reminds them that she does too – as Mayor Luis’ Chief of Staff and Chief Ricardo’s Deputy.

Luis reminds Francesca that there is no smoking allowed in the Village Hall, especially since it is made out of Gingerbread, which people will be eating.

Francesca reminds Luis and Ricardo that the town was founded by her grandmother ANTONIA, who allowed a special exemption in the Village Charter for her descendants to be allowed to smoke wherever they want.

The three of them turn towards a gigantic portrait of a woman who looks remarkably like the great actress CHRISTIAN BACH , which dominates the Village Hall. They bow their heads briefly.

Luis and Ricardo have to admit that Francesca is correct, which prompts Francesca to blow smoke rings and announce that LAS COLOMBiANAS are here, and are waiting for them in Luis’s office. Luis and Ricardo walk towards Luis’ office as though they are walking towards the gallows, if the Hangman was two beautiful sisters from Colombia. Luis asks Francesca to bring Las Colombianas two cups of hot cider, Ricardo reminds her “in recyclable cups.”

MEANWHILE…

Back in the Ciderville “El Generalissimo” General Store, Blanca has just accused Lupita of being someone named “Fernanda,” which is making Jaycee very worried that he has just fallen in love with his missing sister.

A shell-shocked Lupita denies that she is “Fernanda” but then gets very dizzy and collapses…

Gabi and Jaycee try to wake her up, but a completely not-worried Blanca grabs a huge snowglobe filled with Dalmation puppies, which plays the theme “Have A Holly, Jolly Christmas.” Jaycee stands in front of Lupita, and begs Blanca not to crush Lupita’s skull with it. Blanca pushes him out of the way and approaches Lupita, eyes narrowed. Blanca then shakes the snowglobe and plays it in Lupita’s ear.

Lupita wakes up.

Blanca, vindicated, announces, “Don’t you think I know what my daughter likes?! Of course this is Fernanda!” A dazed Lupita has to get up off of the floor for the second time that day, and Gabi fusses over her hair and clothes until Lupita looks just as beautiful as she did before the collapse. Gabi yells at Blanca that the only reason Lupita woke up was because Blanca played the music right in Lupita’s ear. Gabi then demands that Blanca leave the store, after paying for Jaycee’s new Christmas sweater. Blanca tells Gabi that she can’t throw Blanca out of her own store, to which Gabi reminds her again that the store belongs to Pablo, not Blanca, and that Pablo has given her permission to do whatever she needs to do, to keep the customers happy. And since Lupita is a customer, and Blanca is not, Blanca must leave.

An angry Blanca walks out, where she notices that Oscar and Nadia are making out on a Christmas bench in front of the store. Blanca yells at Nadia, “NADIA, QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?” Nadia breaks off the kiss at the sound of Blanca’s voice. Blanca walks up the Candy Cane Lane to Nadia and Oscar, as a defiant Nadia reaches for the knife in her purse…

MEANWHILE…

Inside of the Generalissimo General Store, Gabi and Lupita sit at a small cafe table, topped with Christmas dishes and holly-stamped wine-glasses. Gabi serves Lupita a cup of hot cider in a giant mug with a 3-D picture of Santa. Gabi fills in Lupita on who is who in town, and tells her all about Ciderville. Gabi grew up there, and explains that she left for awhile to try The Big City, but her heart belonged to Ciderville, so she returned. Gabi explains that in high-school, she and JayCee were sweethearts, but Blanca didn’t approve of Gabi, so Gabi broke it off with JayCee and began an affiar with Pablo, which has been off-again, on-again until this day. Gabi explained that since Pablo explained he could never leave Blanca and JayCee, especially after the disappearance of … (Gabi trials off her, staring into space, almost in a trance)… Pablo bought the store to give Gabi something to do when they couldn’t be together.

When Lupita brings up “Fernanda,” Gabi begs Lupita to never mention “Fernanda” again.

MEANWHILE…

Back at The Warehouse, Pablo, Jose and Josue have closed whatever evil deal they agreed on, and the three of them laugh and toast each other with hot cider as Pablo walks Jose and Josue to the door. It’s dusk, but twinkling lights that line the river and abundance of portable heaters enable the skaters to keep skating, all courtesy of Pablo. Pablo beams with pride when Jose and Josue again compliment him on what a good thing he is doing – making it possible for even the less fortunate people in town to enjoy Christmas. Pablo accepts their thanks and then reminds them to “Make it look like an accident,” because he “Can’t afford any questions.” The three of them shake on it, and then Pablo disappears back into The Warehouse. At that moment, a shadowy, yet still beautiful, figure emerges from behind the warehouse and approaches Jose and Josue. This woman looks EXACTLY like Lupita, except she has dark hair. The woman asks them “Did he buy it?” Jose responds “Of course he did … FERNANDA!” Then Josue adds “It’s just a matter of time. Let’s go get some hot chocolate, I’m tired of hot cider!” To which Fernanda reponds – “Don’t worry – you won’t have to drink it much longer. You should enjoy it while you can…” And they all laugh, and toast each other with hot cider…

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Generalissimo General Store, there’s a knock at the door and the bell over the door jingles as Gabi and Lupita have a surprise visitor – GINA, from Ye Olde Casa de Christmas.” Gina is holding a snowglobe filled with Dalmation puppies. Gabi is not happy to see Gina and wants to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?” To which Gina responds – “I AM HERE TO SEE FERNANDA…”

Gina and Lupita stare at each other…

This is a big, unwelcome surprise…

MEANWHILE…

A super-long limo drives up the road towards Ciderville.

Sitting in the back seat is a man, alone…

Very alone, and very handsome, and very well-dressed, and VERY mysterious…

As the driver passes the sign for “Ciderville, 25 Miles,” The Mysterious Man checks his watch, and tells his driver to go “faster…”

He removes a photo from his wallet – it is Fernanda!!!!!

… To Be Continued…

My Mexican Mistake(s)

I moved here to Mexico City on June 1, 2019, inspired by my love of telenovelas!

And I’d never been to Mexico before a day in my life!

And now I’m making lots of mistakes here, so you don’t have to!

The podcast is now on Apple, Spotify, Anchor and lots of other platforms. It’s somewhat awkward, very silly, occasionally funny, and always commercial-free!

Please give it a listen and a high rating, even if you have to lie.

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-mexican-mistake-s/id1474401635

The Aztecs Should Have Been A Little Nicer … They Would Still Be Around And Would Be Bigger Than Marriott! (Hear All About It In My Latest Podcast From México City!)

https://open.spotify.com/episode/06MZIIC5TYT0ZlPayQl8Lp?context=spotify%3Ashow%3A1ASLg55QBXFsSSGnFHN5VD&si=Himx68lzRcK5GrAK7cNHrg