La Gringa Novelera

CIUDADO MARGINALES Y #ELCHEMA! ITATI RETURNS!!

Tonight in #ElChema on #Telemundo, if we are very very lucky, we will see the return of The Great Itati Cantoral as “Blanca,” the perpetually unhappy wife of Don Ricardo.

If ever an actress was made for a NarcoNovela, it’s Itati Cantoral.

I’m as afraid of her on my television as Naomi Watts was of the scary girl in the movie “The Ring.”

And because I will never pass up a chance to play this, here she is!

And here she is again!!

Ciudado Chema!!

Don’t miss this great show!!

The Making of a Narco in #ElChema

Did you watch the #Telemundo Super SuperSeries “El Chema” last night?

We bought a front-row seat to last night’s episode, made the popcorn, turned off the phone and for one hour we were glued to our seats, to see how a dimpled, charming, funny, murderous, smart, crazy-eyed killer got his start in life.

Did he come out of the womb with a shotgun in one hand and a kilo in the other?

Well, since he was the biggest baby I’ve ever seen, it was quite possible!

As the episode opened, he and a female journalist he has a major crush on we’re drinking tequila on the loveseat, but he was trying to move her over to the bed.

“Kate,” or whatever her name is, put the brakes on, and told Chema to slow down, it was going to be a long night. This is not the most romantic thing to say, but somehow it worked, and so to kill time until they could move 1 foot east over to the bed, Chema and Kate settled in, and he began to tell her his life story.

His parents, including his perpetually drunk and sneaky father, and his very pregnant mother, were crossing from Mexico into the USA, but his mother went into labor before they could get across the border.

Luckily Mrs Venegas’ water broke right in front of a scary-looking shack, with a scarier-looking lady standing around watching a hawk. Apparently, the hawk that was flying around and making a lot of noise was in charge of this entire event.

If the shack was Cedars-Sinai Hospital, the hawk would be like the Chief of the Ob-Gyn Department and the scary lady would be like the doctor who can’t get hired anywhere so she moonlights in the ER on the weekends while she sits for her Boards in Very Basic Television Medicine. AGAIN.

This was the scariest birth I’ve ever seen, and I’m including that episode of ER where that cheerful and healthy lady inexplicably dies giving birth, and everyone is sued.

First of all, that hawk wouldn’t back off.

Then there was a scorpion roaming around very close to the non-sterile field where Mrs Venegas was screaming her head off.

The scary lady acting as the doctor was singing the theme song from the movie “The Omen.”

Mr Venegas was drunk and sulking in the corner, drinking right out of the bottle, and never offered his wife a sip, even though she was about to deliver the World’s Biggest Baby without an epidural.

And this was just the first five minutes of the show.

And this is why I watch telenovelas!!

Stay tuned!

The Making of a Narco in #ElChema

Did you watch the #Telemundo Super SuperSeries “El Chema” last night?

Did he come out of the womb with a shotgun in one hand and a kilo in the other?

Well, since he was the biggest baby I’ve ever seen, it was quite possible!

As the episode opened, he and a female journalist he has a major crush on we’re drinking tequila on the loveseat, but he was trying to move her over to the bed.

This was the scariest birth I’ve ever seen, and I’m including that episode of ER where that cheerful and healthy lady inexplicably dies giving birth, and everyone is sued.

First of all, that hawk wouldn’t back off.

Then there was a scorpion roaming around very close to the non-sterile field where Mrs Venegas was screaming her head off.

The scary lady acting as the doctor was singing the theme song from the movie “The Omen.”

And this was just the first five minutes of the show.

And this is why I watch telenovelas!!

Stay tuned!

Saul Aguirre in “LaDona” Is The Best Suicide Prevention Specialist I Know…

I guess Altagracia knew what she was doing in #LaDona on #Telemundo when she invited Saul over for lunch and then waited for him nude in the dining room because she WAS lunch.

And her failed suicide attempt, which almost always leads to a 3-day “Observation” in a Psychiatric Ward, in Altagracia’s case resulted in a full-metal beach makeout with Saul.

It’s good to be LaDona!

Obamacare Would Change Everything About Telenovelas…

Welcome to Monday!

Whoever says that?!?!

I never did, not until I started watching telenovelas to learn English! Now, I look forward to Monday because Monday starts a new week of plots, schemes, and extremely great-looking people making extraordinarily bad decisions.

Let’s start with #LaDona on #Telemundo.

I know that a lot of people think that Altagracia is about to kill herself because she is walking into the ocean in her very long white cotton dress, which could weigh her down as it gets wet because that’s what happens with a long cotton dress, but I say No Way is that happening:

First of all, this series just started and she is LaDona, so it seems extremely unlikely that Aracely Arambula would be knocked off in the first two weeks, unless her ghost plans on getting her revenge for the next 5 months. This is another way to go since that ghost would feel right at home in her scary dungeon basement where there are at least 100 candles lit at all time, and pictures of her dead family on the wall. But I still don’t think it’s happening.

Second, just in case she was thinking of killing herself, luckily for us, Saul got a flat tire exactly where she parked her car, and David Chocarro looks like a strong swimmer, so the only question is whether his Baywatch moves will lead to the full-metal makeout we are waiting for.

Third, and most importantly, Altagracia’s entire life revolves around being mean to just about everyone, humiliating her husband at every turn, and using her building foundations to bury her enemies in. This is not the type of personality disorder that leads to suicide, unless it’s the suicide of others. I guarantee Altagracia has a t-shirt somewhere that says “I don’t get ulcers, I give them.”

So don’t worry about Altagracia tonight, because she’ll be just fine.

You want to worry? There’s plenty of other people to worry about, starting with Monica and her father.

Monica doesn’t know Altagracia is her mother, but her father knows, and her father also knows that he is not her father, who might the awful, evil guy who has that weird tattoo on his chest who owns a shipping company and is a serial rapist.

Monica’s father needs $5,000 for an operation so he can walk again. In the USA, that doesn’t seem like a lot of money for that major of an operation, because in hospitals in the USA, an aspirin costs $1,750.

Monica is going up try to raise this money by riding her bike and selling sandwiches. This plan will work if she sells these sandwiches at my office because we are all really hungry all of the time. We eat everything anyone puts out, whether we know where it came from or not. Monica could raise that 5 GRAND pretty quickly.

This need for money will I’m sure play into a lot of dramatics in the plot. It’s s good thing that people in Novelas don’t have Obamacare because many of the exciting plots in Novelas come from people not having the money to pay for medical care. In Novelas, characters take paying their medical bills very seriously.

And of course the most exciting twist in “La Dona” is the long-anticipated appearance of #KarenLaDetective, the first character in a telenovela inspired by me- true story!!

Karen is beautiful, smart, fearless, tireless, and so far, only differs from Chicago detectives in that we haven’t seen her spend at least an hour debating where to eat lunch.

We can’t wait to see what happens tonight!

Watch #LaDona on #Telemundo and keep reading me here! If you like it, please leave a comment, share with your friends, of in someway please let me know you’re out there!!

Muchas gracias!!

They Are Only In It For The Phones

Narcos in #Telemundo telenovelas are on the phone more than your average teenage girl.

This is why they are in the drug business: To pay their telephone bills.

#ElChema

In “LaDona,” There’s A New Sheriff In Town, And It’s Me!!

Que tal!

In the Telemundo telenovela “La Dona” we see my namesake #KarenLaDetective very hard at work, so already she is a much better detective than I could ever be!

Tonight she has gone with Saul to confront the man who raped Altagracia and killed her whole family 20 years ago, and who kidnapped and raped little Margarita just last week.

If they want answers, they better get there before Altagracia, who at the very least plans on scalping him. Literally.

Altagracia has put her revenge plan into motion, and it involves wearing a very low-cut dress and a bra that can double as a flotation-device in case her plane ever crashes into the ocean.

Meanwhile, I can tell you that #KarenLaDetective is a much better detective than me because if David Chocarro ever showed up at my office all work would stop. There would be no questioning, just a lot of staring and some laughing. And lots of pictures.

The Crime Lab would probably run out of camera film and I would also move the entire investigation into my apartment.

#KarenLaDetective and Saul just had their first fight, because he tried to tell her how to do her job.

I wish I could be as good and conscientious as #KarenLaDetective! Not only would I let Saul tell me how to do my job, but I would let him do my job if that’s what he wanted to do.

#KarenLaDetective may be a great crime-fighter but she’ll have to be a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Master to beat Altagracia, for Saul.

Altagracia has a potion to make some men impotent, and a different potion to make other men call out her name in the throes of passion, while they are with their wives. I have no doubt she has a potion to knock out her rivals.

“LaDona” is too much fun!

Why don’t you join me as I learn Spanish from telenovelas, and watch it with me!!

Gracias!!