Naked Lunch?? 

Que tal!

There is so much happening in the Telemundo telenovelas that I started watching to learn Spanish from and am now completely hooked on, I might need to go on a Novela Leave at work! 

“LaDona” just started  last week, with Aracely Arambula playing absolutely against type as “Altagracia,” an extremely wealthy, extraordinarily beautiful and dangerously bitter woman who has a lot of axes to grind and bury in people’s necks. Luckily for her  she has plenty of building foundations to hide those bodies in, because she is also a construction magnate who lives like a royal princess, if royal princesses practice  witchcraft in their basement, choke  their husbands almost to death during sex, and greet  strangers invited over for lunch to her ranch naked as a newborn, which makes the inevitable horseback riding very uncomfortable. 

It’s all TOO MUCH!!!

And last night she crashed the “Welcome Home” party of the man she sent to jail, and only agreed to release from jail because his son Saul convinced her to, during the whole “Naked Lunch” thing. 

But don’t get the wrong idea: Saul did not hook up with Altagracia. 

Saul has integrity, he’s really a great lawyer, and he might be the Best Looking Man In The World. And he is kind, compassionate and fights for women, as those same women are tearing each other’s eyes out for a date with him. 

If I was his wife, I’d never let him leave the house, and I would never leave the house either. We’d live on love and pizza deliveries.  

Altagracia is obsessed with Saul, and will do anything to get her elegant hands around his great-looking neck.  

Her obsession, combined with her money and witchcraft powers do not bode well for Saul’s wife, and that’s just the opening act. Her real competition is her beautiful and sincere and beautiful daughter Monica, who she has hated from birth. Literally, from birth!!

It doesn’t get much better than this, you’re thinking. We’ll watch “La Dons” tonight, and you’ll see just how GREAT it can get!! 

Altagracia has crashed the Welcome Home party of Saul’s dad just to tell him that she’s going to destroy him. Plus, she showed up empty-handed, which will never help make friends! 

Even though Saul is a great lawyer, Altagracia will never get rid of the lawyer she has now: He seems to get the job done, he has Crazy-Blue eyes that can be used for hypnosis (which can be helpful to Altagracia when she practices witchcraft), and when he hooks up with his wife he calls out Altagracia’s name and doesn’t apologize, so he’s right up Altagracia’s alley. 

Don’t miss it, and follow me here for updates! 

If you like these updates, please share the with your friends and leave a comment!! 

Muchas gracias!! 

Let’s Corner The Market On Crazy!!! 

Que tal!

Did you watch the VERY GRAND FINALE of the SuperSizeSuperSeries #SenoraAcero3?  My head is still spinning with exactly how many hijinx, shenanigans, and   Medieval torture methods can be included in one fifty-minute television episode! 

First of all, you have to hand it to El Gallo, his wife Tia Josefina and his mistress: In the middle of the attack on the ranch, their Cartel spinning out of power, and their very best friend Aracely shot to death at her own wedding by Larry, Gallo and The Gals did the only thing possible: They have entered into a ménage and by all appearances, it’s not a one-night stand, and they all have breakfast together. 

My theory is if you can all have breakfast together, if the ménage can survive the crankier part of the day (without alcohol) the ménage will survive  just fine. 

What I have to wonder is what that little boy who is being raised by Josefina and Gallo, but is really the child of Josefina’s dead (car crushed) husband and the dead (shot to death by said dead husband) maid, wonders about his  new family:

The book is called “Bepito has Two Mommies (and One Daddy).”

And from the ridiculous to the sublime…

The ending of this fantastic series was extremely romantic: the happy couple LaCoyote y El Poligringo walked off hand in hand  into the sunset together, out of the same desert  where they first met as enemies approximately four months ago.

Only one thing could have made this magic  scene even more romantic, and there it was:

As the lovers walked off into the sunset, they left one thing behind: Governor Don El Chucho, buried up to his neck into the desert, with the coyotes eating him alive. 

To me, as a law-enforcement professional, I thought Governor Chucho should be  impeached. Some of his many crimes included   gun-running, drug-running, killing half of his family  and killing the head of the Federal police department by impaling him on a pitchfork and stapling him to the side of the barn door. With all of that and a lot more, impeachment seemed inevitable.

But leaving the coyotes to  eat him alive starting at the top of his head was definitely another way to go. 

A lot more happened in this episode leaving room for another season of this insanely wacky series, and you’ll be reading more from me later!!

I’m need your help!

If you like what you read here please share it and leave a comment! 

Thanks!! 

Welcome To Lunes!!

Well, there is nothing like a cold, snowy Monday in Chicago, unless it is a very hot and deadly day in the desert in the VERY GRAND FINALE of the #Telemundo SuperHappySuperSizedSeries #SenoraAcero3.

Tonight the antics and hijinx of Los Acero, their friends, family and arch-enemies will keep us warm, and will also keep us from shoveling the snow.

We have been in a whirlwind of excitement, thrills, and extremely unusual ways to kill people in this great show, and the Grand Finale will be even moreso.

Don Chucho’s impaled his rival and former business partner and father of one of his children, Heriberto on a pitchfork and used it to staple him to the side of the barn door.

He next turned to his own  wife Consuelo, tied her to the back of his horse, dragged her around the ranch, shot any of the ranch hands who objected, stomped her to death with the horse, got drunk, and told anyone who was still alive (including the horse) that it was his way or the highway.

My favorite FAVORITE moment was when the ranch hands who stood by while he dragged Consuela around tied to his horse  while he did rodeo tricks, and then used the horse to stomp her to death, drew the line when he later threatened his horse at gunpoint. 

I’m not sure why he was so mad at  his poor horse, because I’m still learning Spanish from telenovelas, but I don’t care! But watching these men risk their lives for the horse but not for Consuela shows what excellent judgement they have. 

Of course  Chucho shot all of the conscientious objectors too. 

Since Chucho is still the Governor of the state of Chihuahua, maybe in the Grand Finale he will be impeached, and the next season of #SenoraAcero will be all about Senate Hearings and Points of Order.

These hearings  would be a lot more exciting and fun than the usual Washington stuff because everyone will be armed so no one would talk too long. 

I cannot wait to see how this great series  ends, and yet I never want it to end!!

Don’t miss it!! 

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Too Far From The Coffee Grounds

Que tal!

Well, #LaDona on #Telemundo  is unfolding right in front of our eyes, as we start to learn some of the reasons why Altagracia Sandoval will be one of the most complicated novela characters ever!!

And now it all becomes clear thanks to the appearance of her aunt Yesenia, played by the amazing Rebecca Jones,who never  changes! She looks as great as ever and is going to be a big force (hopefully for evil) in this series! 

So first of all, Altagracia has her army of evil-doers attack the apartment complex where Saul  (David Chocarro) lives with his family, and coincidentally so does her daughter Monica  (Danna Paolo) and her (non)father – Altagracia’s ex, who not unreasonably lives in mortal fear of Altagracia.

Altagracia had her men attack the complex in the middle of the night for the element of surprise and so she could see him without his shirt, as she watched from her hidden perch. 

With binoculars. 

Saul rescued the whole complex, saved Monica from an attack, and like the late singer  Prince after a game of night-basketball, made breakfast for everyone! 

Altagracia was foiled again, but continued to be intrigued by Saul’s bravery, shirtless appearance, and media-savvy use of cellphone video during his arrest.

After he explained the Internet to his mother, Saul sent the video of Altagracia’s Army trying to arrest him to all of the local news agencies, and a few modeling agencies in New York City. 

The next morning, a disappointed and obsessed Altagracia watched Saul’s failed arrest on tv news, and she saw this clip as less of a public relations problem and more of an opportunity to fantasize  about someone else while choking  her husband to the brink of death during sex. 

Well, if Altagracia thinks she is going to be taking Saul to prom, she will need to clear the way.

Yes, he has a wife, but no one is worried about her.

It’s MONICA, who after spending a few minutes with Saul during the melee at the apartment complex, has fallen head over heels in love with him, which I’m afraid is exactly where her mother Altagracia is going to put her. 

Literally, with her head over her heels, and every other body part missing. 

And how did Altagracia become so evil?

Well, after the gang that wears flour-sacks for masks raped and killed just about everyone in Alta’s family, and not necessarily in that order, Alta and her sister went to live with their Tia Yesenia (Jones), who sent them to work on a construction site, and taught the girls to lie, cheat, and steal, and read coffee grounds, which they also had to learn to steal, which is not easy. 

Yesenia also taught Alta to use men to get everything she wants, especially anything that involves the use of a ladder or tools. 

Thanks to Yesenia, Alta became the very scary, cold and calculating woman she is, and although it wasn’t mentioned, in quite certain that Yesenia taught Alta that choking trick she uses on her husband. 

Yesenia tried to visit Alta yesterday at her house in a pop-in, but she couldn’t even get in the front door, let alone get a cup of coffee so she could steal the grounds.

No one likes a pop-in, especially Altagracia. There is a reason she has a security army in front of her house dressed in identical dark black satin suits guarding the front of her home. 

And her coffee grounds. 

Don’t miss it tonight!! 

Gracias!

I would welcome your comments right here on the blog and please share it if you like it!!

BREATHLESS…

… Is the only word to describe how tonight’s episode of #LaDona left me!!! This is the latest telenovela on Telemundo and it’s spectacular because it’s crazy, and crazy because it’s so spectacular. 
First of all, I think that Altagracia (Aracely Arambula) who runs a construction empire, really wants to be a Princess: She lives in a castle, she wears a tiara, and she orders everyone around. 

Also, she has a secret dungeon (is there any other kind?) in her basement,where somehow the candles are always magically lit, which is only  one of the mysteries in this great series. 

Clearly, Altagracia is some kind of sorceress, which explains how she always looks so perfect, even when she is under the stress of ordering out a party crasher at gunpoint, or telling her husband (who mightbe the President of Mexico but I’m not sure about this because I’m still learning Spanish from telenovelas), to go somewhere else for sex, or reading chicken bones in her basement after almost setting herself on fire. 

So here’s what happened with Altagracia and her husband who never met  a tube of Brylcreem he couldn’t use a bit more of. 

Altagracia met Saul (David Chocarro), that’s what happened. 

Quite frankly, meeting David Chocarro is a game-changer and I’m amazed that every woman who works on the show hadn’t left her spouse yet.

So even though Altagracia (AG) and Saul hate each other right now because AG  had his father arrested for protesting the construction of her latest mega-high-rise  (and also because he raped and tortured her 30 years ago) and Saul crashed Altagracia’s party and yelled at her, they are on their way to romance because the best novela love affairs are forged in the heat of hatred and yelling and gun-pointing. 

Altagracia knows this is coming because she already told her lawyer to find out all about Saul, plus her sister caught AG repeatedly writing “Mr & Mrs Saul Aguirre,” and “Saul & Altagracia  Aguirre,” and wondering if it’s too soon to change the monogram on the sheets. 

Altagracia’s sister seems nice but the jury is still out on that, since last night she was spying on Altagracia and El Presidente in their bedroom during a very private conversation. 

If she wants to spy on something in that gigantic palace they all live in, I suggest she take a look at that basement dungeon with the perpetually-lit candles, and if she really wants to help her sister when she raises the dead, what about bringing a Magic 8 Ball to the party? 

There are a lot of characters whose motives (and identities) I’m not quite clear on, but that always happens to me in a new novela, and I’ll have it all figured out in the next few days. I do know that AG has a lawyer who is a Very Bad Guy with Very Blue Eyes with I suspect A Very Big Crush on Altagracia. And a Very Big Fist with A Very Bad Temper.

Altagracia can take care of herself, but Saul needs to watch out for this guy. 

Danna Paola is on her way to the DF from Veracruz with her sick and terrified father. She is so kind, beautiful and fresh and pure; she is about to throw a real monkey wrench into Altagracia’s plans and maybe even seances. 

Danna’s character Monica Hernandez sang on the bus all of the way from Veracruz to the D.F., to raise a bit of cash. 

If I was traveling hundreds of miles by bus, anyone singing on that  bus would make a lot of money, mainly because I would pay them not to sing.

So how did Altagracia get rid of her husband for now? Well, as we saw in Episode 1, her husband likes to be choked at a certain critical point during sex, known as “erotic asphyxiation.” By the way, I’m convinced that no one ever heard of this practice before until “Law & Order S.V.U.” made it the plot line of every other script. 

Last night when her husband made a pass at her, she gave him the equivalent of the  “I have a headache” line some woman occasionally trot out, but modified it, claiming she could not strangle him tonight because  her Carpel Tunnel Syndrome was really acting up.

Altagracia told him to go elsewhere, to go to the street for all she cared. But since her sister was openly listening in the doorway to this, something tells me he’ll only have to go right down the hall…

There are a lot of crimes that have happened, and many, many more to come and it’s not to early to bring in my alter-ego “Karen,LaDetective” to look beautiful, glare, and solve crimes. 

I hope she smokes too, but that might be too much to ask for. 

Don’t miss it tonight!

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Gracias!! 

 

LaDoña is a Hit!! 

Did you watch the VERY GRAND PREMIERE of the new Telemundo telenovela “La Dona” on Telemundo!

It was FANTASTIC!

No, we have not yet  seen the appearance of my lovely and talented alter-ego #Karen, LaDetective but I’m sure we will see her soon because a multitude of crimes have been committed already in the first episode, including a severe fire hazard in Altagracia’s dungeon.

And the fact that she has a dungeon.

Basically, Aracely Arambula plays “Altagracia Sandoval,” a wealthy,  beautiful, powerful, perpetually angry and mean real-estate developer.

If Donald Trump was beautiful, with a predilection for Jackie-O sunglasses, bra-tops and tiaras, he’d nail the part. 

Right now Altagracia is “dating” a different El Presidente. They have cold, loveless sex that Altagracia does not enjoy.

Except for that one part where she almost chokes him to death at a very critical part.

That’s the part she likes best. 

Altagracia needs to get her latest high-rise built  right in the middle of Veracruz, but some neighbors are protesting because they are being moved into the foundation, just like Jimmy Hoffa.

So she has them arrested, even though she is a private citizen. 

I’ll tell you what: 

If Trump could have had people arrested, he probably would have never run for El  Presidente in the first place, because that’s all he seems to want to do anyway. 

So Altagtacia has a sister and a niece whom  she is always trying to indoctrinate against men, but since she  herself is wearing a tiara and dating El Presidente, her advice doesn’t exactly ring true for her. 

I’m so sleepy that I’ll have to finish this tomorrow!!

Stay tuned for tomorrow and more on this exciting, fun and wild ride!!

Get Ready America!!

ESTAS LISTO?

Tomorrow is the Extremely Grand Premiere of the newest novela coming from Telemundo, “La Dona!”

Aracely Arambula may dress like a princess, but don’t let that tiara fool you!

She is a construction magnate who would scare Donald Trump, and to paraphrase my hero Maureen Dowd, La Dona would probably settle the whole MidEast Crisis easily because she views the entire mess as a bad real estate deal.

Danna Paola will play  the daughter she never had, and never wanted.

David Chocarro is  the boyfriend both of them want, neither will leave behind, and may possibly try to kill each other over.

David plays a lawyer who fights for justice for women, but wait until you see what Aracely has in store for him…

Rebecca Jones plays a sorceress who reads coffee grounds, which is probably why she hangs around Starbucks so much. 

AND, there is a beautiful, exotic,  compelling and tough police officer in the show too, “Karen, LaDetective.”

According to the writers of the show she is inspired by me! “Karen, La Prosecutor!” Except I’m not compelling or tough, but I am somewhat exotic because I like Thai food and plus I still smoke. 

Don’t miss the Premiere tonight on Telemundo!! We are having a viewing party and I’ll be live-tweeting during the show…whatever that means.

Here is my article (in reverse) about the show for Latin Connection magazine!!

Let’s watch it tonight!!

O’Henry Would Have Loved  Telenovelas! 

Poor LaTuti in the Telemundo SuperCrazyFragilisticExpialidociousSeries  aka NarcoNovela “Senora Acero 3:”

All LaTuti ever wanted was a real family: Life-Sized, not made out of plastic, and with real hair.

But instead, even though she got her son back in a reverse-kidnapping thanks to the Pied Piper of Chihuahua, Mario Casas, he is not happy and she is thinking of returning him to his abuela, in a “Ransom of Red Chief” scenario. 

Maybe she had hoped he would be as excited as the new Malibu Barbie as she was! 

The show is being preempted tonight by the 3-Hour EXTREMELY GRAND FINALE of “Sin Senos Si Hay Paraíso!” 

But don’t miss it tomorrow night!

And in case you missed it, here is the article about me in today’s Chicago Sun Times!!

http://shiakapos.com/chicago-prosecutor-makes-the-case-for-spanish-soap-operas/

#SraAcero3

@TLMDPR