BREATHLESS…

… Is the only word to describe how tonight’s episode of #LaDona left me!!! This is the latest telenovela on Telemundo and it’s spectacular because it’s crazy, and crazy because it’s so spectacular. 
First of all, I think that Altagracia (Aracely Arambula) who runs a construction empire, really wants to be a Princess: She lives in a castle, she wears a tiara, and she orders everyone around. 

Also, she has a secret dungeon (is there any other kind?) in her basement,where somehow the candles are always magically lit, which is only  one of the mysteries in this great series. 

Clearly, Altagracia is some kind of sorceress, which explains how she always looks so perfect, even when she is under the stress of ordering out a party crasher at gunpoint, or telling her husband (who mightbe the President of Mexico but I’m not sure about this because I’m still learning Spanish from telenovelas), to go somewhere else for sex, or reading chicken bones in her basement after almost setting herself on fire. 

So here’s what happened with Altagracia and her husband who never met  a tube of Brylcreem he couldn’t use a bit more of. 

Altagracia met Saul (David Chocarro), that’s what happened. 

Quite frankly, meeting David Chocarro is a game-changer and I’m amazed that every woman who works on the show hadn’t left her spouse yet.

So even though Altagracia (AG) and Saul hate each other right now because AG  had his father arrested for protesting the construction of her latest mega-high-rise  (and also because he raped and tortured her 30 years ago) and Saul crashed Altagracia’s party and yelled at her, they are on their way to romance because the best novela love affairs are forged in the heat of hatred and yelling and gun-pointing. 

Altagracia knows this is coming because she already told her lawyer to find out all about Saul, plus her sister caught AG repeatedly writing “Mr & Mrs Saul Aguirre,” and “Saul & Altagracia  Aguirre,” and wondering if it’s too soon to change the monogram on the sheets. 

Altagracia’s sister seems nice but the jury is still out on that, since last night she was spying on Altagracia and El Presidente in their bedroom during a very private conversation. 

If she wants to spy on something in that gigantic palace they all live in, I suggest she take a look at that basement dungeon with the perpetually-lit candles, and if she really wants to help her sister when she raises the dead, what about bringing a Magic 8 Ball to the party? 

There are a lot of characters whose motives (and identities) I’m not quite clear on, but that always happens to me in a new novela, and I’ll have it all figured out in the next few days. I do know that AG has a lawyer who is a Very Bad Guy with Very Blue Eyes with I suspect A Very Big Crush on Altagracia. And a Very Big Fist with A Very Bad Temper.

Altagracia can take care of herself, but Saul needs to watch out for this guy. 

Danna Paola is on her way to the DF from Veracruz with her sick and terrified father. She is so kind, beautiful and fresh and pure; she is about to throw a real monkey wrench into Altagracia’s plans and maybe even seances. 

Danna’s character Monica Hernandez sang on the bus all of the way from Veracruz to the D.F., to raise a bit of cash. 

If I was traveling hundreds of miles by bus, anyone singing on that  bus would make a lot of money, mainly because I would pay them not to sing.

So how did Altagracia get rid of her husband for now? Well, as we saw in Episode 1, her husband likes to be choked at a certain critical point during sex, known as “erotic asphyxiation.” By the way, I’m convinced that no one ever heard of this practice before until “Law & Order S.V.U.” made it the plot line of every other script. 

Last night when her husband made a pass at her, she gave him the equivalent of the  “I have a headache” line some woman occasionally trot out, but modified it, claiming she could not strangle him tonight because  her Carpel Tunnel Syndrome was really acting up.

Altagracia told him to go elsewhere, to go to the street for all she cared. But since her sister was openly listening in the doorway to this, something tells me he’ll only have to go right down the hall…

There are a lot of crimes that have happened, and many, many more to come and it’s not to early to bring in my alter-ego “Karen,LaDetective” to look beautiful, glare, and solve crimes. 

I hope she smokes too, but that might be too much to ask for. 

Don’t miss it tonight!

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Gracias!! 

 

LaDoña is a Hit!! 

Did you watch the VERY GRAND PREMIERE of the new Telemundo telenovela “La Dona” on Telemundo!

It was FANTASTIC!

No, we have not yet  seen the appearance of my lovely and talented alter-ego #Karen, LaDetective but I’m sure we will see her soon because a multitude of crimes have been committed already in the first episode, including a severe fire hazard in Altagracia’s dungeon.

And the fact that she has a dungeon.

Basically, Aracely Arambula plays “Altagracia Sandoval,” a wealthy,  beautiful, powerful, perpetually angry and mean real-estate developer.

If Donald Trump was beautiful, with a predilection for Jackie-O sunglasses, bra-tops and tiaras, he’d nail the part. 

Right now Altagracia is “dating” a different El Presidente. They have cold, loveless sex that Altagracia does not enjoy.

Except for that one part where she almost chokes him to death at a very critical part.

That’s the part she likes best. 

Altagracia needs to get her latest high-rise built  right in the middle of Veracruz, but some neighbors are protesting because they are being moved into the foundation, just like Jimmy Hoffa.

So she has them arrested, even though she is a private citizen. 

I’ll tell you what: 

If Trump could have had people arrested, he probably would have never run for El  Presidente in the first place, because that’s all he seems to want to do anyway. 

So Altagtacia has a sister and a niece whom  she is always trying to indoctrinate against men, but since she  herself is wearing a tiara and dating El Presidente, her advice doesn’t exactly ring true for her. 

I’m so sleepy that I’ll have to finish this tomorrow!!

Stay tuned for tomorrow and more on this exciting, fun and wild ride!!

Get Ready America!!

ESTAS LISTO?

Tomorrow is the Extremely Grand Premiere of the newest novela coming from Telemundo, “La Dona!”

Aracely Arambula may dress like a princess, but don’t let that tiara fool you!

She is a construction magnate who would scare Donald Trump, and to paraphrase my hero Maureen Dowd, La Dona would probably settle the whole MidEast Crisis easily because she views the entire mess as a bad real estate deal.

Danna Paola will play  the daughter she never had, and never wanted.

David Chocarro is  the boyfriend both of them want, neither will leave behind, and may possibly try to kill each other over.

David plays a lawyer who fights for justice for women, but wait until you see what Aracely has in store for him…

Rebecca Jones plays a sorceress who reads coffee grounds, which is probably why she hangs around Starbucks so much. 

AND, there is a beautiful, exotic,  compelling and tough police officer in the show too, “Karen, LaDetective.”

According to the writers of the show she is inspired by me! “Karen, La Prosecutor!” Except I’m not compelling or tough, but I am somewhat exotic because I like Thai food and plus I still smoke. 

Don’t miss the Premiere tonight on Telemundo!! We are having a viewing party and I’ll be live-tweeting during the show…whatever that means.

Here is my article (in reverse) about the show for Latin Connection magazine!!

Let’s watch it tonight!!

O’Henry Would Have Loved  Telenovelas! 

Poor LaTuti in the Telemundo SuperCrazyFragilisticExpialidociousSeries  aka NarcoNovela “Senora Acero 3:”

All LaTuti ever wanted was a real family: Life-Sized, not made out of plastic, and with real hair.

But instead, even though she got her son back in a reverse-kidnapping thanks to the Pied Piper of Chihuahua, Mario Casas, he is not happy and she is thinking of returning him to his abuela, in a “Ransom of Red Chief” scenario. 

Maybe she had hoped he would be as excited as the new Malibu Barbie as she was! 

The show is being preempted tonight by the 3-Hour EXTREMELY GRAND FINALE of “Sin Senos Si Hay Paraíso!” 

But don’t miss it tomorrow night!

And in case you missed it, here is the article about me in today’s Chicago Sun Times!!

http://shiakapos.com/chicago-prosecutor-makes-the-case-for-spanish-soap-operas/

#SraAcero3

@TLMDPR


GET READY!!

Que tal!! 

Tonight is the Extremely Lavish and Grand Finale of the Telemundo telenovela “Sin Senos Si Hay Paraíso,” which means “Without Breasts There IS a Paradise,” which I guess is the telenovela equivalent of “Yes, Virginia, There IS A Santa Clause.”

I will miss LaDiabla and her daughter Yesi, who were the most unlikely TwinTitans of Evil you’ve ever seen. 

And they kind of dressed alike in a very  twisted 1960’s bit! 

Recently, LaDiabla has been in hiding, dressing up as a police officer, which is a tremendous and happy  slap in the face to  people who don’t understand Novelas and think that Novelas don’t understand irony.

LaDiabla has been so happy getting out of all of those cold-shoulder and cold-breast leather crop-tops that I predict a big theme of tonight’s EXTREMELY GRAND three-hour long Grand Finale is that she will welcome the uniform of prison, as long as she can smoke there.

I’ll miss the insanity of this novela very very much! 
#telemundo

www.lagringanovelera.com

A Gringa Novelera in Paradise!!

Hola!!

Welcome to my blog about learning Spanish from telenovelas!! 

If I did this right (always a big IF), this should also appear on my Facebook fan page and my Twitter feed!

Let’s see if this works!

First of all, what a day!

In case you missed it the first 16,000 times I posted it,  I’m very proud of the article Shia Kapos wrote about my adventures in Novelaville in the Chicago Sun Times!! What a thrill!! Here it is!!

http://shiakapos.com/chicago-prosecutor-makes-the-case-for-spanish-soap-operas/

And, on the same day, my article about the upcoming Telemundo telenovela “La Dona” was published in the November issue of “Latin Connection” magazine!

For some reason the pages are in reverse, so if you would like to read it (and I hope that you do!!)  please start at the bottom and read up! (I’ll figure out this stuff one day!!)

“La Dona” premieres on this Tuesday, November 29, on Telemundo. 

Aracely Arambula plays a construction magnate with a lot of scores to settle, so construction is definitely a great business to be in, because the Teamsters are definitely always up for a good revenge plot. 

And nothing is handier to have than  an extra building foundation to hide all of the evidence.

And by “evidence,” I mean “bodies.”

This novela also stars David Chocarro, Danna Paola and The Always Great Rebecca Jones, as the Evil Aunt who is also a witch who can somehow read coffee grounds. 

The novela also features Mayra Sierra as “Karen, LaDetective!” A character inspired by ME! Except she is not crazy. 

Why not?!? Por que No?!?

I hope you will join me as I Live-Tweet about this exciting new show Tuesday night, if such a thing is not illegal! 

I’m on Twitter and Instagram @gringanovelera and Facebook at LaGringa Novelera! 

Hola!! Estas Listo!!

Hello!!

This is my first blog post! It was a bit of a struggle getting it right, and I won’t know if it’s right until I try to post this, but I think it might be ready, but it needs a lot of work.  Please bear with me!!

I decided to try this on a Saturday since there are no novelas on Saturday, so it gives me some tine to get used t this before the VERY GRAND FINALE  of  #SinSenosSiHayParaiso on Monday, and the EXTREMELY GRAND PREMIERE OF #LADONA on Telemundo!!!

Nos Vemos!!img_3186