EPISODE 4

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES … AND MURDER & MAYHEM!”

When we last left off yesterday, GINA was at the door of the Ciderville ‘El Generalissimo’ General Store, and GABI was not happy to see her, while LUPITA was still reeling from the events of the day so far,and she had only been in town for a few hours!

Gina is holding a snowglobe filled with Dalmation puppies, and still in her Christmas sweater.

An angry Gabi asks her “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!? (What are you doing here?!?)”

Gina responds that she is there to see FERNANDA. Lupita insists she is not Fernanda, and wants to know why everyone keeps calling her ‘Fernanda.’

For the umpteenth time that day (so far) she tells Gina in no uncertain terms that she is NOT this ‘Fernanda,’ and adds for good measure, that she is not here to buy the town of Ciderville, either.

She then adds, to both Gina and Gabi, that she is NEVER going to wear a Christmas Sweater, and that when people in The Big City wear them, they wear them as jokes, for ‘Ugly Sweater’ contests.

Gina and Gabi bless themselves.

Gina asks Gabi for a moment of privacy with ‘Lupita.’ Gabi is reluctant to do so, but Lupita insists it’s ok, and so Gabi goes to the store-room to unpack more Christmas sweaters, which is also an excellent listening post.

Before she goes, she asks if anyone wants any hot cider, but no one does.

Gabi pretends to go into the store-room, but she stands in the doorway, where she can hear everything.

Lupita asks Gina what she wants, and demands that Gina explains why Gina, Veronica and Roberto kidnapped her earlier that day.

Gina reminds her it was more in the nature of an “Unlawful Restraint,” and not a full-blown Kidnapping, but agrees it was wrong and apologizes and begs Lupita for her forgiveness. Lupita says she forgives them, but wants to know WHY??? Gina tells her that the Town of Ciderville is very important to all of them, and they heard that a Busy Career Woman From The Big City Who Hates Christmas was coming to Ciderville to buy the town to destroy, and that she and her partners had decided to hold The Career Woman hostage until after Christmas, so that Ciderville could have “One Last Christmas,” but that when they saw the Career Woman was Fernanda, they just couldn’t do it.

In the middle of the conversation, they hear the screech of tires, and Gabi, Gina and Lupita run to the windows of the shop, where they see the long, black limo we saw at the end of yesterday’s episode has stopped in front of the store. The tall, very handsome, elegant man in a perfectly tailored Italian suit emerges from the back of the car, and again removes his photo of “Fernanda” from his wallet, then looks directly at the faces of the three women in the window. Lupita shows no emotion, Gabi’s face breaks into a big smile, and a stunned Gina drops the Dalmation snow-globe, shattering it into a thousand pieces. And then faints in case anyone missed the point.

The man – LEONARDO – begins walking up the Candy Cane Lane to the shop… Taking his time… Enjoying this moment…

MEANWHILE…

NADIA and OSCAR are still day-drinking, at a different Cantina in town, the “Ciderville Christmas Candle-Inn.”

The Cande-Inn has no artificial lights, is entirely lit by Christmas candles, and the bartender dresses like Santa Clause, the Bar-backs dress as elves, and the waitresses dress like Mrs. Clause. But not a “Naughty’ Mrs Clause – more like a Hallmark Mrs Clause.

It’s one of the most popular places in town, because everyone looks great in candlelight.

In between steamy embraces, in their corner booth, Oscar asks Nadia about the town – specifically, what’s with the cider, and where’s the snow? Nadia is about to answer some of his questions, but changes her mind when “La Murga” comes on the jukebox, and she can’t resist the Christmas salsa music. She pulls Oscar onto the dance floor, and even though the two of them have been drinking all day, they don’t miss a step.

Everyone in the bar begins to clap around them as they take over the floor, yelling “Eso!!”

Just like Mark Anthony.

The music ends with an abrupt scratching-sound, when the doors to the bar open, letting in daylight and two figures of two men standing in the doorway, whose faces are blocked by the sun.

The two men come towards Oscar & Nadia.

Nadia’s eyes open in terror when she realizes it’s JOSE and JOSUE, now in matching Christmas Sweaters.

Jose says to Nadia – “Mira Nada Más” (“Well, Well, Well, Look Who’s Here…”) “Go on, my love, why don’t you tell your new lover about the cider?”

Josue adds, and “And don’t forget to tell him about the snow, too!”

Jose and Josue laugh diabolically and crowd Nadia, who pulls herself up bravely to her full height (approximately 5’3”) and demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

Josue brings his face very close to Nadia’s, and tells her “We’re here for you.”

“And for some hot cider,” Jose adds.

Oscar believes this a good time for him to leave the bar, to go find his Patrona Lupita, but Jose and Josue block his exit, which leads Oscar to rethink his exit, and instead orders “Hot Cider all around!!” This breaks the tension, and everyone has a good laugh, until Josue leans right into Oscar’s face, demanding to know “Que Haces Aqui?!?!?!?!?”

Oscar replies that he’s only passing through town with his Patrona,

but Jose corrects him and says “No, I mean what are you doing here with MY WIFE?!?!?”

He then crushes the cider goblet in his hand, never losing eye contact with Oscar…

MEANWHILE-

Back at the Ciderville Village Hall made entirely out of gingerbread, MAYOR LUIS and and SHERIFF RICARDO walk into the small conference room where LAS COLOMBIANAS wait for them, drumming their extremely decorated and very long nails on the table. They are wearing Christmas Sweaters, but because they are Colombian, the sweaters are actually crop-tops that just look like Christmas Sweaters.

The crop-tops are also decorated with small candles that are actually lit, but because Las Colombianas are Colombian, they are not afraid of wearing lit candles.

When Luis and Ricardo walk into the room, Las Colombianos demand to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?”

To which Luis responds “I work here. The better question is “QUE ESTAN HACIENDO AQUI??!” (Which means, “What are you doing here, (plural)?!?!?”)

Ricardo then tells them to put their sweaters out, because this is a “No Smoking” building.

LA COLOMBIANA points at LA FRANCESCA, The Deputy Mayor and Chief Deputy of the Ciderville Police Department, who is spying on them from the doorway, and smoking. La Colombiana demands to know why La Francesca is allowed to smoke, and Luis explains that La Francesca’s grandmother founded the town, so she’s grandfathered in on smoking. And Ricardo reminds them that Francesca is also the Deputy Mayor and Chief Deputy of the Ciderville Police Department, so she can pretty much do whatever she wants. THE OTHER COLOMBIANA objects to the corruption of the Ciderville town government, and also wants to know if she and La Colombiana can have some more hot cider please.

Luis tells them that they can have as much cider as they want once they explain what they are doing there without an appointment.

Las Colombianas explain (In very fast Spanish, in a very strong Colombian dialect that sounds kind of Chinese to an untrained ear, like mine) that they are there in the spirit of Christmas, and want to work with Ciderville to end waste, and to that end, they have a suggestion: After Christmas, they volunteer to take whatever is left of the Gingerbread Town Hall and ship it all to starving children.

Their organization is called “A Nosh for Los Ninos.”

The ladies add that they want to create a Christmas Talent Competition to raise funds for the organization, which will take place on Christmas Eve, and that since they are very talented themselves, they should not be excluded from the competition.

Luis and Ricardo try to catch their breath from the long and fast verbal assault from Las Colombianas, which is just how they talk. But the Mayor and Chief like the idea.

And they like Las Colombianas.

Luis calls for Francesca to bring more hot cider for everyone, and while the four of them toast happier days ahead for their relationship, Francesca watches from the doorway, smoking, and pulls out her phone.

When whoever she is calling answers, Francesca says “My love, I have some very interesting news for you… But it will cost you… Meet me at the Christmas Cantina. …

No! Not that one, the other one!”

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Ciderville “El Generalissimo” General Store, Lupita is trying to revive Gina, while Gabi fusses over LEONARDO with hot cider and cookies, and she holds different Christmas sweaters up to him, trying to decide what will suit him best.

Leonardo really likes those cookies, and doesn’t stop eating them.

He eats and waits for Gina to wake up, and stares at Lupita. Lupita finally revives Gina, and when Gina comes to, she asks Leonardo, “Leonardo, Que Haces Aqui?!?!?”

Gabi reminds GIna that Leonardo is family – her brother – and the better question to Gina is “What are you still doing here?”

Lupita watches them while they argue, and Leonardo interrupts them both with a “Shut Up,” which they obey immediately.

Leonardo begins walking towards a nervous Lupita, who walks backward as he walks forwards, and she nervously asks him what he wants.

Leonardo responds “You, Lupita, I want you – my wife!”

Gina and Gabi bless themselves, and Lupita slaps Leonardo, hard.

And then slaps him once more, in case he didn’t get it the first time.

STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 5!!

#Telenovelas

#HallmarkChristmasMovies

“A Season For Magic & Miracles (And Murder & Mayhem)” Episode 1

Ever wondered what would happen if you crossed a telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas movie? Well, now is your chance to find out…

Since I have moved to Mexico City, it has been almost impossible for me to write about telenovelas because no one in Chicago is watching the telenovelas that are on here,

and when I write about the novelas on Netflix, I’m asked not to “spoil” the novelas for those who haven’t watched them yet.

And I have already written about all of the novelas that are on “Telemundo Internacionale” here.

So, with that in mind, and because we are coming up on Christmas, I have decided to try writing a mini-novela of my own, that is a combination of a telenovela and a Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas movie.

And since it’s my fantasy , I get to cast it anyway I want…

So today, here is the pilot of my HallmarkNovela: “A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES (AND MURDER & MAYHEM)”. Hope you like it!!!

————————————————————————————————————————

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES (AND MURDER & MAYHEM)”

A Telenovela/Hallmark/Lifetime ‘Television For Women’ Christmas Story…

“CHRISTMAS DAY – TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO – THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS”

When the story opens, we’re in a simple, humble little house, decorated for Christmas with home-made decorations. Dalmation puppies cavort around a giggling little girl, still in her pajamas, as she opens the few homemade presents under the tree. The little girl is about two-three years old – too young to really understand what is happening, but perhaps just old enough to remember everything.

From the little girl’s perspective, the scene looks foggy, like a dream or a memory. A pair of dusty, worn shoes, belonging to man, come into the room and stop right where the child sits, surrounded by puppies and gifts. The man asks the child “Que haces aqui?” which is Spanish for “What are you doing here?” The little girl stops what she is doing and looks up at him, terrified. Then a pair of woman’s shoes, high-heels, red sandals, come in right next to him. We never see their faces. The man speaks in a harsh voice, and tells the woman to “hurry up and get her dressed.” The woman, crying, half-heartedly refuses, but swoops up the silent little girl and wraps her in a winter coat and boots over the Christmas pajamas the child wears. Both the coat and boots are too big for her – clearly hand-me-downs.

Meanwhile, the man answers an insistent knock at the door – it’s another couple, about the same age, but they are dressed in better clothes and appear more prosperous. The little girl watches the male half of the couple hand the man a big wad of cash, and the woman hands over the little girl to the female half of the couple. The female half of the couple strips the little girl of her winter coat and boots, spitting out that they have much better clothes for her. Now the little girl begins to cry as they take her to a waiting car, which speeds away. The man slams the door to the house closed, and tells the woman “Stop crying – it’s better this way. Now get rid of those puppies next.”

The Dalmation puppies, without the little girl, wander around under the tree and whimper, looking for their little friend…

CUT TO:

TODAY, “CIDERVILLE”

CIDERVILLE is a magical small town, decorated for Christmas on every corner. Plastic Santas with their reindeer descend from rooftops all over town, giant candy canes line Main Street, every house and business is decorated inside and out for Christmas, trees wrapped up in sparkling lights, a gigantic Christmas tree dominates the town square, gold and silver-wrapped boxes with red bows sit under the tree, lampposts wrapped in twinkling lights and holly … you know the drill. The only thing missing to make it all perfect is SNOW. (As I said, you know the drill.)

A black sedan drives fast up Main Street, failing to stop at Ciderville’s only Stop & Go light, and hits a handsome young man on a bike. The car stops, and LUPITA, a beautiful, solemn and highly-accessorized young woman emerges from the back seat of the car, yelling at her driver, OSCAR, who tries to help the bike-rider. The bike is damaged beyond repair, and the driver pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the bike-guy who is banged up, but ok. The bike guy is JUAN CARLOS, known to all as “JAYCEE.” Jaycee swears and throws the cash back at Oscar and limps off with his bike, which looks broken beyond repair. As he goes, he looks back at Lupita with the “1,000 Yard Stare,” which is a cross between an alluring come-on and a murderous glare. Lupita returns that look with a small, mysterious smile.

Lupita gets back in the car, and Oscar continues to drive through Main Street, but a lot more carefully this time. As the car moves slowly down the street, townspeople stop to stare at it, and no one seems too happy to see it. It’s hard to tell who looks more sinister: Lupita, behind the tinted glass of her black sedan, or the kids who glare back at the car, longing for snow so they could throw snowballs at the car.

Finally, the sedan comes to a stop in front of a small holiday-themed gift shop, called “Ye Olde Casa del Christmas.” VERONICA, an attractive woman in a Christmas sweater goes to the window and studies the car, and announces “She’s here,” to GINA, equally attractive, and not dressed in a Christmas sweater. Gina looks worried, and she clutches a Christmas ornament in her hand as walks up to join Veronica at the window. Veronica looks down at the ornament in Gina’s grasp – it’s a Dalmation puppy. Veronica begins to warn Gina about the danger of the puppy ornament, but she is interrupted when they are joined at the window by a menacing, intense man, ROBERTO who would look a lot scarier if he wasn’t wearing a Christmas sweater too. He asks the women if they are ready. When he sees the puppy ornament he reminds Gina that he’s warned her before and now he’s done warning her. Veronica tells Roberto to shut up – they are ready. Nothing can go wrong. Then Gina silences their bickering with the two scariest words you can hear in a telenovela – “Trust me.”

Gina, Roberto and Veronica watch Lupita as she walks towards the shop and begins to open the door.

The bell hanging over the door, that rings “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano, falls from the wall, striking Lupita in the head and knocking her out cold.

Roberto and Veronica smile at one another, but Gina looks worried. Roberto then quickly drags Lupita’s unconscious body away from the door, while Veronica quickly draws the blinds and puts the “CLOSED” sign in the window. Gina wipes the blood from Lupita’s forehead, while trying to wake her up.

As Lupita comes to, her vision is still cloudy, and the first thing she sees is the Dalmation ornament.

“Mama? “ she cries, weakly. “Mama?”

Roberto covers her mouth with his hand, telling her to shut-up. Lupita wakes quickly after that, and her eyes grow into gigantic saucers once Roberto covers her mouth with his powerful (and hopefully clean) hand.

Meanwhile, back at the car, Oscar grows tired of waiting for Lupita. As he walks up to the shop, he notices the drawn blinds and “Closed” sign.

He’s about to go to the door, to make sure Lupita is ok (since that’s his job) when he notices the “Ciderville Christmas Cantina” across the street, and decides to go there for a drink instead, leaving Lupita at the mercy of three mysterious shopkeepers who clearly will stop at nothing, including wearing some pretty bad Christmas sweaters.

To Be Continued…

I Make Mistakes In México So You Don’t Have To…

I had never before been to Mexico,

I don’t speak much Spanish,

I don’t know The Metric System.

So why not move to Mexico from Chicago to write the Telenovela of my dreams?

What could go wrong….

Listen to my podcast to learn all about my mistake-filled life here, and please give it a great rating even if you have to lie!!

Gracias!!

#podcasts

#mexico

#telenovelas

#travel

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-mexican-mistake-s/id1474401635

I Make Mistakes in Mexico City So You Don’t Have To…

I had never before been to Mexico,

I don’t speak much Spanish,

I don’t know The Metric System.

So why not move to Mexico from Chicago to write the Telenovela of my dreams?

What could go wrong?????

Listen to my podcast, NOW ON APPLE PODCASTS, to learn all about my mistake-filled life here, and please give it a great rating even if you have to lie!!

Gracias!!

#podcasts

#mexico

#telenovelas

#travel

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-mexican-mistake-s/id1474401635

My Mexican Mistake(s)

I moved here to Mexico City on June 1, 2019, inspired by my love of telenovelas!

And I’d never been to Mexico before a day in my life!

And now I’m making lots of mistakes here, so you don’t have to!

The podcast is now on Apple, Spotify, Anchor and lots of other platforms. It’s somewhat awkward, very silly, occasionally funny, and always commercial-free!

Please give it a listen and a high rating, even if you have to lie.

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-mexican-mistake-s/id1474401635

Not One Decorating Or Travel Tip Here. No Recipes Either.

Why You Need to Stop Decorating And Watch “La Reina del Sur 2” on Netflix

One of my favorite series, “La Reina del Sur 2” is now on @netflix everywhere, and coming soon to @telemundointl here in Mexico!

Only GOT beats it in the ratings, which isn’t surprising because basically LRDS is a NarcoNovela GOT, with it’s own cool acronym too.

There is a lot of driving in #lrds2 – and oddly some of it is by a ten-year old girl driving a Cadillac through the winding streets of Tuscany.

You’ll see things in this great series you’ve never seen before, including American actor (and Julia Roberts’ brother) Eric Roberts, speaking worse Spanish than I do.

The show has a wonderful cast, great music (thanks to @flaviomedinal and his back-up singers @robertowoficial & @lincpal) and is a lot of fun and a Truly Excellent Adventure. @calvatwitt as

“Batmancito” is going to break your heart, plus there’s nothing more fun than watching him argue with a ten-year old. Humberto Zurito is a blast as “The Narco Who Would Be President.”

The only real danger of his Presidency would be that Cabinet meetings could get confusing because he calls everyone “Mijo.”

Watch @reinadelsurtv on @Netflix for a very good time!!

#lrds #netflix #gringanovelera

My Favorite Street In México City

What’s better than a big street that goes in a big circle??

Here’s Episode 3 of my new podcast!

https://anchor.fm/karen-kerbis/episodes/Theres-Nothing-Better-Than-A-Big-Street-That-Goes-In-A-Big-Circle-e48o75

Hello From México!!

Yes, I’ve moved to Mexico!!

Five years ago, I thought I might try to learn Spanish from watching telenovelas!

Five years later, I have left my job (Cook County Assistant State’s Attorney in Gang Crimes), my home (Chicago), and my family and friends (am I crazy?) to move to Mexico City to write the Telenovela of my Dreams!!

And now, I’m doing a Podcast from here!! It’s called “My Mexican Mistake(s)” and I’ve recorded two episodes so far!!

Here’s the link!

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4Z0OCurC484Zac6YdkX8cB?si=c2pJOTKDREGfFqDWfTgjfA

More to come!! https://open.spotify.com/episode/4Z0OCurC484Zac6YdkX8cB?si=c2pJOTKDREGfFqDWfTgjfA

There’s No Law Lesson Like A Telenovela Law Lesson!

Are you watching “Falsa Identidad” on Telemundo?

Because it’s a lot of fun, plus you could learn a lot about the law! Which is basically the opposite of law school.

So Circe and her friend wanted to scare the Battle-Axe on the right, I guess because she’s about to expose Camila and Diego for stealing her identity.

Part of her identity is being mean and unpleasant, but remember that Diego and Camila were on the run from the even more mean and unpleasant Gavino when Diego’s Brother The Mayor and his Guy El Salas gave Camila her identity. (If Diego has The Mean Woman’s Husband’s Identity, he will want to get out of that relationship right away!)

So Circe and her friend dressed up like maids to pay a visit to the REAL Camila to “scare” her.

I’ll be honest- if Circe showed up in my hotel room I’d be terrified, and I’d double my tip.

Circe’s co-worker accidentally on purpose killed the woman by stabbing her in the neck.

They dragged her into the shower and left her to be found, thinking it would look like a suicide, because I guess in Circe’s world, people frequently stab themselves in the neck to avoid talking to her, her father and/or Joselito.

Well, The Real Camila was found by her friend on the left, and even though all he did was find her, he was promptly arrested for Murder!

As a former prosecutor, if the standard for proof is that low, I would love to be a Prosecutor in Novelaville! I might have won more often!

But I’ll tell you what: If the standard for proof is that low, remind me to never tell the police about any dead bodies I may come across in my travels.

This poor guy is now charged with Murder!

I want to be his lawyer and here is why: It’s SUPER easy apparently!

When this guy asked the detective for his lawyer, the detective stopped questioning him, which is very good behavior by the detective.

When he returned to the Interrogation Room a few minutes later, the prisoner asked “Where’s my lawyer??”

The detective took the lawyer’s card out of his pocket, with a message to the prisoner on the back of the card that told him to “Plead Guilty to Avoid The Death Penalty.”

That’s it!!

If lawyers here see this bit, they will be ordering new business cards by the truckload! 😂😂😂😂

Join me on my journey learning Spanish from telenovelas on Telemundo!! I’m about to move to Mexico City!!

S

WATCHING “SENORA ACERO” COME TO AN END IS LIKE LEAVING A FUN PARTY FILLED WITH GREAT-LOOKING GUESTS WITH TERRIBLE JUDGEMENT, WHO NEVER CALL 911!

It’s very tough to say goodbye to the great SuperCrazyNarcoNovela “Senora Acero,” on Telemundo, but sadly, this is the last season!!

Que LASTIMA!!

Please join me for a trip down Bad Memory Lane in my latest article for Latin Connection Magazine, a tribute to five seasons of madness in Señora Acero!!

Saying goodbye to the crew is like being at a super fun party with your best friends, who are the perfect combination of good looks and terrible judgement!!

The magazine is available on line, and here’s the article!

@LatinConnection is all about living the Latino lifestyle in the USA, and in addition to my Telenovela news, there is a lot more news you can use!!