“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES.. AND MURDER & MAYHEM!!”

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you combined a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie?
Well wonder no more… Merry Christmas!!!

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES… AND MURDER & MAYHEM.”

(EPISODE 7)

When we last left off, JAYCEE was about to kiss LUPITA under the mistletoe he’s been dragging around all night. Lupita pauses, to again make Jaycee confirm that they are not Brother & Sister. Jaycee does, and is about to go in for the kiss, when his mother BLANCA’S bloodcurdling scream pierces the night. Not unreasonably, Lupita is now sure that they ARE Brother & Sister, based upon Blanca’s scream.

But no, that’s not it.

Blanca is screaming for help, because either her Husband PABLO or her Brother-in-Law ROBERTO is DEAD! Killed on the front porch of the Ciderville Village Town Hall. The Santa, Mrs. Santa, and Elves that dominate the Christmas decorations on the porch were shot too; Rudolph’s Red Nose is shattered.

MAYOR LUIS & SHERIFF RICARDO immediately take over the crime scene, and protect it with decorative Christmas ribbon because they don’t have any Crime Scene tape, because they have never had a Crime Scene in Cedarville.

Now, there is only one twin remaining – but they mystery is Which Twin Is It? Since Pablo and Roberto were so identical, and wore matching Christmas sweaters to the Ciderville Village Hall, who is dead, and who is alive? The Twin Left Alive insists he is Pablo, but Blanca is not so sure, and looks at him through narrowed eyes. The Twin Who Insists He’s Pablo tells Luis and Ricardo he didn’t see who shot his brother – that someone ran up to them in a Santa Claus mask, shot Roberto several times, then jumped into a waiting car. Pablo doesn’t know if it was a man or a woman, can’t give a height/weight description, and was too startled to notice the clothes, or make/model of the car. Basically, Pablo says “I heard shots, saw nothing.” (A phrase that people who work in law enforcement in Chicago will recognize.) Luis & Ricardo are very unhappy with the complete lack of information provided by the only witness to the murder, who happens to be the identical twin of the victim…

MEANWHILE… Back at the old, abandoned mansion…

SANDRITA and ANTONIO are still locked in in the attic bedroom, and their only source of light, the Christmas Candle, is about to die out…Sandrita suggests that they share the sleigh bed to keep warm until help comes. Antonio is tempted, but does not want to give up trying to get out of there. As he continues to pull hard on the locked door, at that very moment the door opens easily, and those force of physics throws Antonio backwards onto the sleighbed with Sandrita.

FERNANDA opened the door from the outside, and is amused at the sight of Antonio and Sandrita in bed together. Fernanda demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!” But Antonio turns the tables and demands to know of her “Y TU, QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

MEANWHILE … Back at the CIDERVILLE GINERBREAD VILLAGE HALL, Sheriff Ricardo think it would be a good idea to move the Homicide Investigation into the Ciderville Police Department, which is the room next door, but an anxious FRANCESCA reminds him the Police Department is not available because all of the Christmas presents for the Orphanage are there – there’s no room for anything or anyone else. Mayor Luis stops Francesca as she tries to leave, reminding her that there is no orphanage in Ciderville, because there are no orphans in Ciderville. Suddenly, twin boys appear in the doorway of the Village Hall, and announce that there are Two Orphans in Ciderville … “We are Roberto’s sons… and now that he is dead, we have no parents for Christmas…”

This IS news!!!!

MEANWHILE… Back at the Abandoned Old Mansion…

Fernanda tells Antonio and Sandrita that she has been living there… what are they doing there? Antonio demands to know who else is living there – he saw Fernanda in the window leaning over someone sitting in the rocking chair and he also heard shots. Who shot who, and where is the person sitting in the rocking chair?

Sandrita pulls out a badge and announces she is with Interpol, and has been following Antonio – and demands that Fernanda answer Antonio’s questions. And then leave her and Antonio alone to discuss the case. In the bedroom.

Antonio sees Fernanda is trying to stuff something into her pocket – it’s a SANTA MASK!!!

Antonio pulls the Santa Mask away from a worried Fernanda, and looking directly at the Santa Mask says “Mira nada mas… QUE HACES AQUI?!?” (“Well, well, well, look who’s here … What are you doing here?!?”). Fernanda looks scared. And Guilty.

MEANWHILE … Back at the Village Town Hall … in the Kitchen

A worried GINA finds a more worried VERONICA hiding in the kitchen, preparing more hot cider and trays of Christmas Cookies. Gina asks Veronica “Que haces aqui?!?!? Veronica tells her it looks like it’s going to be a long night, and everyone could probably use more cider and cookies. Gina doesn’t buy it, and says, “No, I mean what are you doing here, hiding in the kitchen?”

Veronica tells Gina it is too upsetting to be so close to Roberto’s dead body, especially in the Christmas sweater that she knitted for him. Gina is surprised to hear that – she didn’t know that Veronica had knitted that sweater herself. Something about that bit of news does not make sense, but before Gina can think it through, Veronica tells Gina that maybe Mayor Luis is right – maybe they should sell the “Ye Old Ciderville Christmas Shop” to Lupita now that Roberto is dead. The two women stand in the doorway of the kitchen, and watch Sheriff Ricardo interrogate Jaycee and Lupita together, as they hold hands, which is not something usually allowed in an interrogation…

Gina reminds Veronica that Lupita still denies that she is The Very Busy and Unhappy Career Woman Who Hates Christmas And Has Come To Ciderville To Buy It and Destroy It.

Veronica, watching Jaycee and Lupita together, while Jaycee still holds the mistletoe, reminds Gina that Gina knows exactly who Lupita is… and that she sure doesn’t look like a woman who hates Christmas…

MEANWHILE … back at Roberto’s body still surrounded by Christmas ribbon…

DR. DE LA FA LA LA LA LA (“DOC”) is examining Roberto’s bullet-riddled body. DOC is the town doctor and was also elected Ciderville Town Coroner, but since the town of Ciderville has never had a mysterious death before, this is Doc’s first time as Coroner.

Mayor Luis and Sheriff Ricardo watch Doc count and describe the bullet holes, as LAS COLOMBIANAS take notes and are all business. They have been Deputized by Sheriff Ricardo to be Special Assistant Deputies in this Homicide Investigation. They have a lot to say as Doc runs down the entrance and exit wounds, and speculates about where the shooter shot from.

LA COLOMBIANA notices a suspicious white powder at a corner of Roberto’s mouth. She looks down at it and mumbles “Que haces aqui?!” To the powder.

THE OTHER COLOMBIANA bends down for a closer look, and removes a bit of it from Roberto’s lip, and tastes the powder.

“POISON!!!” She announces.

“He was dead before he hit the ground!!!”

Everyone looks at each other, extremely suspiciously…

Except for Doc, who looks thoroughly confused…

To be continued …

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & Miracles … AND MURDER & MAYHEM!! (Episode 6)

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you mashed up a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie? Well here ya go: “A Season For Magic & Miracles.., And Murder & Mayhem…”

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES… AND MURDER & MAYHEM” – (EPISODE 6)

A TELENOVELA WRAPPED UP IN A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE!

CIDERVILLE VILLAGE HALL…

When we last left Ciderville, ANTONIO had startled MAYOR LUIS, when he appeared at the back of the Gingerbread Hall, and all eyes follow MAYOR LUIS as he and the handsome new stranger stare at each other. ANTONIO pulls out his gun and everyone ducks.

Then suddenly, he takes a big bite of the chocolate barrel and a big grin spreads all over his face and Mayor Luis starts laughing. All eyes are on the two old friends as they meet and hug. FERNANDA, who has watched the entire scene unfold from her hiding place in the back of the hall, finds Antonio’s real gun that he buried in a nearby gigantic Advent calendar, and takes it, hiding it in her purse. Antonio watches Fernanda as she does that while he’s hugging Mayor Luis, but doesn’t say anything as he watches her scurry away. Luis introduces Antonio to the residents of Ciderville, and he asks them to welcome him as warmly as they welcomed him. The townspeople welcome Antonio, and he gets a lot of compliments on his Christmas sweater. SHERIFF RICARDO introduces himself to Antonio, but there is immediate tension between the two of them. (Could it be that Sheriff Ricardo knows something Antonio does not – specifically, that there are only two LAS COLOMBIANAS??)

We leave Antonio and Ricardo sizing each other up, for a battle that is inevitable…

MEANWHILE …

Antonio tells Luis he’s got to run, and will find him in town tomorrow and they can catch up. Antonio escapes from the Gingerbread Village Hall in search of Fernanda, the beautiful, mysterious woman who stole his gun out of the Advent Calendar and ran away.

Antonio finds Fernanda running away down Main Street and follows her to an old, abandoned Victorian mansion. The gate is off it’s hinges, most of the windows are broken, and the gingerbread trim is falling off. A lone candle sits in the window at the top. Antonio watches from the alley nearby as Fernanda take out his gun,and enter the house carefully. He watches the top window, and within a moment sees her shadow bending over a figure he cannot make out. He pulls out a cigarette and a lighter lights up next to him, startling him. It’s SANDRITA, the beautiful, mysterious woman from the alley in Point Unpleasant, who had asked Antonio to set her on fire, figuratively speaking. Not only is she in a Christmas sweater – her earrings are mini-Rudolphs who’s noses light up. Antonio quickly pulls off her earrings – someone might see them! “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?” Antonio demands to know. Sandrita tells him that she’s here to help him… Suddenly, they hear gunfire coming from the abandoned Victorian Fernanda slipped into, and they watch as a figure in the window collapses…

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Ciderville Village Hall, Mayor Luis is just concluding the town meeting about The Busy Career Woman From The Big City Who Hates Christmas And Wants To Buy Ciderville So She Can Destory It. LUPITA, looking extra-Christmas-y, is still getting glares and stares from most of the citizens of the town who are convinced it’s her. Then Mayor Luis throws a monkey-wrench into his presentation, when he suggests that maybe Ciderville should do the Opposite of Every Christmas Town in America and just SELL CIDERVILLE for as much money as they can get! He points out the ‘Pro’s’ of such a move – first and foremost, they can stop wearing Christmas sweaters and listening to Christmas music non-stop.

Luis is unnerved by the hard looks he’s getting, but it’s clear that a few people find the idea appealing. Luis studies the faces across from him, and asks them to just think about it. “Meanwhile, it’s time for some hot cider and homemade Christmas Cookies, and just like we do every year, you are welcome to eat parts of the Gingerbread Village Hall, but please avoid the retaining walls and support beams until closer to New Year’s. “. A loud cheer goes up as the audience rises and starts eating, drinking and dancing to Christmas music.

MEANWHILE… Back at the Abandoned Mansion…

After the gunfire stops, Antonio orders Sandrita to stay put, he’s going to investigate. Sandrita pulls out her badge and announces she’s with Interpol, and her Christmas vacation is over. She’s going with. Sandrita also warns Antonio to “not leave town – you’ll never find a Christmas town as beautiful and Christmas-y as Ciderfalls.” They run to the Mansion together to find out what happened …

MEANWHILE … Back at the Ciderville Village Hall…in the hallway next to the Meeting Hall…

LAS COLOMBIANAS have been spying on the meeting and what Mayor Luis is telling the crowd. La Colombiana listens closely, while The Other Colombiana takes notes. When Luis tells the crowd maybe they should sell Ciderville – they could all make a lot of money – Las Colombianas are outraged, and as soon as Luis leaves the stage and walks past them, The Other Colombiana breaks a Christmas vase over his head and they drag his body into a nearby office, while …

Francesca has been spying on Las Colombianas spying on Luis and also sees them drag his unconscious body into the nearest office. Francesca quickly makes a phone call, telling the person who answers – “I have got some news for you. Meet me at the Christmas Cantina. NO! The OTHER Christmas Cantina!!!

MEANWHILE…Back at the Abandoned Mansion, Antonio and Sandrita finally make the long climb to the top floor of the mansion, only to find the still-lit candle, shell cases, but No Body and No Fernanda. However, they do find something interesting – A Document that appears extremely ancient. We can’t see what it is but when they read it, their eyes open very wide, as if they are in shock.

Then, a breeze slams the door shut and blows the candle out, and they are suddenly plunged into darkness… Sandrita lights the lone candle in the room again, and tells Antonio that Las Colombianas have the right idea – Christmas sweaters with candles built right into them.

Antonio tries the door – they are LOCKED IN! And they can’t get any service on their cell-phones.

Sandrita and Antonio look around the room – there’s only an old-fashioned Christmas tree thankfully strung with popcorn, a rocking chair, and one bed covered in down Christmas blankets… Are you thinking what Sandrita is thinking?????

MEANWHILE… Back in the Ciderville Village Hall…

People continue to hang around and celebrate Christmas, and Luis possibly excellent idea, with hot cider and Christmas Cookies. GABI and GINA meet over the hot cider punch bowl when they reach for the ladle at the same time.

Gabi wants to know from Gina “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

Gina responds that she could ask Gabi the same thing – for all anyone knows, Leonardo is the person who wants to buy Ciderville – he never appreciated the living, breathing heart of Ciderville, and the idea of a year-round, 24-hours a day ChristmasTown…

They are joined at the punchbowl by ROBERTO & PABLO, who confront each other in their matching Christmas sweaters. Roberto insists his is of a better quality – that they only sell the best of Christmas at “Ye Olde Ciderville Chrismas Shop,” while Pablo insists their stuff is junk, and that he, and his store The Ciderville General “El Generalissimo” Store are where all Christmas wishes come true – even the ones you never knew you had. They begin shoving each other over who has the better Christmas store, and when someone yells for Mayor Luis, Sheriff Ricardo finally realizes Luis is missing!

MEANWHILE… In the tiny office of the Village Hall where all non-Christmas supplies are kept…

Luis wakes up from being knocked out, looks around the store-room filled with boring office supplies, and looks at his captors who are still eating Arepas, Las Colombianas, and asks “QUE ESTOY HACIENDO AQUI?!?!” (“What Am I Doing Here?!?”)

Las Colombianas really give Mayor Luis an earful about his idea to go along with the sale of the town and stop living Christmas around-the-clock. Their very fast talking and extremely unusual accents are not making Luis’ headache any better, but as everyone knows, there is nothing that an Arepa can’t cure, so he eats a few and listens to their objections. Since they are very against waste, and have devoted their lives to fighting Global Warming, it is their opinion that destroying the town of Ciderville, no matter who much money everyone can make, will be very harmful. They add that they hit him over the head really hard to help make their point. They beg Luis to save the town of Ciderville, as only Las Colombianas can…

MEANWHILE… Back in the Village Hall…

The residents of Ciderville continue arguing with one another-

JOSE & JOSUE confront Oscar about trying to steal NADIA away from her husband, but Nadia insists to Oscar that she no longer loves JOSUE, and was going to leave him anyway. Jose and Josue find this admission very interesting, because Nadia is married to JOSE, not JOSUE. Nadia bursts into tears, and protests that it is not her fault – it’s their fault because they insist of wearing very similar Christmas sweaters and she can no longer tell them apart…

LEONARDO happily watches all of the bickering between the residents of Ciderville, and FRANCESCA, still smoking with her cigarette holder, is enjoying it just as much. The two of them bond over the Christmas discord and share a piece of the Gingerbread Town Hall. Francesca makes The Cigarette Move on Leonardo, but it’s less effective with a cigarette in a cigarette holder because it’s further away and not as intimate. Nonetheless, LUPITA, from across the room, sees it and doesn’t like it. Lupita walks right up to Leonardo, pulls him away from Francesca, and demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!? I am your wife!!” Francesca bursts out laughing, and Leonardo reminds Lupita that she didn’t even know they were married until he told her. He hands her a gigantic gumdrop as a Christmas peace offering, and strolls off with Francesca.

Lupita stands in the midst of the Ciderville citizens’ bickering and looks lost, because she has no one to argue with. JAYCEE strolls up, and very seductively, he asks Lupita “Que Haces Aqui?!” He then points up, and reminds her she is standing under the mistletoe. As he goes in for a kiss, Lupita stops him, and asks “Are you sure we are not brother and sister?”

Jaycee responds with one of the scariest phrases in Telenovelaville – “Confiar en mi.” – “Trust me.”

Jaycee goes in for the kiss again- but this time he’s stopped by a bloodcurdling scream from his mother, BLANCA!!

Blanca is standing outside, just outside of the front door of the Village Hall.

And someone is dead at her feet.

It could be her husband PABLO, or it could be his brother ROBERTO…

It’s impossible to tell which one is dead and which one is alive because they are identical twins in matching Christmas sweaters…

But either way, it’s bad…

To be continued…

I Make Mistakes In México So You Don’t Have To…

I had never before been to Mexico,

I don’t speak much Spanish,

I don’t know The Metric System.

So why not move to Mexico from Chicago to write the Telenovela of my dreams?

What could go wrong….

Listen to my podcast to learn all about my mistake-filled life here, and please give it a great rating even if you have to lie!!

Gracias!!

#podcasts

#mexico

#telenovelas

#travel

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/my-mexican-mistake-s/id1474401635

WATCHING “SENORA ACERO” COME TO AN END IS LIKE LEAVING A FUN PARTY FILLED WITH GREAT-LOOKING GUESTS WITH TERRIBLE JUDGEMENT, WHO NEVER CALL 911!

It’s very tough to say goodbye to the great SuperCrazyNarcoNovela “Senora Acero,” on Telemundo, but sadly, this is the last season!!

Que LASTIMA!!

Please join me for a trip down Bad Memory Lane in my latest article for Latin Connection Magazine, a tribute to five seasons of madness in Señora Acero!!

Saying goodbye to the crew is like being at a super fun party with your best friends, who are the perfect combination of good looks and terrible judgement!!

The magazine is available on line, and here’s the article!

@LatinConnection is all about living the Latino lifestyle in the USA, and in addition to my Telenovela news, there is a lot more news you can use!!

AN UNREALISTIC VIEW OF HOSPITALS, EVEN IN A TELENOVELA!!

In the SuperNovela “Falsa Identidad” on Telemundo, if Isabel thinks that the hospital is going to return the money her current husband Diego paid for her ex-husband El Corona’s kidney transplant to try to win her back, because they took the payment without her permission, the first thing Isabel needs to know is that it is not a violation of the HIPAA Act for a hospital to take money.

Second, even if it was a violation, they will never return it.

Third, you can see Isabel has not spent a lot of time dealing with hospital Billing departments.

Want to have fun and learn about telenovelas?

Join me on my journey learning Spanish from telenovelas!!

Doctors Gone Wild!!!

Que tal!

By the time you read this article, Summer will be in its Ultimos Capitulos.

One of the great things about telenovelas is that they are seasonless. What is happening on-screen in your novela of the moment has nothing to do with the actual moment you’re living in. (Except for when in “Senora Acero” the Narco & Gunrunner El Gallito, running for Mayor, pledged to “Make Matamoros Great Again.”)

We don’t watch telenovelas to see what’s happening in our own world; we watch them to see what happens when impossibly beautiful people, impeccably dressed, highly accessorized and usually armed, make really bad decisions and never call 911 for help. Last month, I explained how the telenovela lawyers not only can’t do much to help fix a bad decision, but they usually make them even worse. I’m so proud that I received a lot of great reviews for that article – many from other lawyers in Chicago who had no idea that being a lawyer could be as much fun as it is in a telenovela. I assured them it was, as long as they were willing to ignore the law and start dressing a lot fancier. And on top of the very kind reviews and comments, I received something even better: A Request!

The Request came from woman who I admire very much, one who really knows the telenovela business from the inside out. What was her request? My take on telenovela doctors! Que?! COMO?!? First Lawyers… now the Doctors… two of our oldest professions might never look the same to you again!

Mi Amiga, this is for you!

If I was a doctor in a telenovela, the first thing I would ask myself is whether all of the student loans, debt, and divorce from the spouse who put me through medical school was worth it. I know what you are thinking – that doctors here in the Real World are asking themselves the same thing. True, except that in the Real World, the doctors aren’t examining their lives because a guy wearing a gigantic cowboy hat with an even bigger belt buckle has kidnapped him at gunpoint to operate on a shot-up compadre in the back of a gas station bathroom.

I never knew how dangerous medicine could be until I started watching telenovelas. Well, I always knew it was dangerous for the patients, but in telenovelas, it’s the doctors who are on the wrong side of the argument. In telenovelas, there are Good Doctors and Bad Doctors. And doctors that have received no medical training at all, who are the Best Doctors, if you ask me.

The Good Doctors are the doctors who are literally minding their own business, making sure that their malpractice premiums are current, when the door to their office bursts open, a gang of NarcoTerrorists march in, and put a gun to his or her head, demanding that the doctor joins them for an unexpected House Call. This House Call can take place anywhere, but it is usually on a couch in the living room of a total stranger who is also being held at gunpoint to provide shelter to the gang. However, that surgery-at-gunpoint can also take place in the in-house hospital suite many Narcos have built right into their home. A Narco’s house has a lot of room to build out the spaces we generally don’t see in real estate: specifically, the hospital suite, a swimming pool inside of the living room, and a jail cell in the basement. The reason for this is because a Narco has a lot of freedom inside of his house, but can’t ever leave it, unless it is to travel secretly to a house that looks just like the one he just left, which he will also never leave. I know this is off-topic, but I don’t see the point in all of the drama and danger that goes along with the Life of a Narco if you can’t go out for a hot dog once in a while.

So the people that work for the Narcos will do anything to save El Jefe’s life, but one thing they always forget about is The Sterile Field. No, I’m not a doctor. But I have watched enough medical shows on TV to practice medicine with an FCC license, and I have learned that The Sterile Field is the field in a the Operating Room you have to keep sterile. But in a telenovela Operating Room, the guys who have kidnapped the doctor and are forcing him to operate at gunpoint not only break the sterile field by not scrubbing in, but they make things worse when they drag extra unnecessary people into the operating room, like the doctor’s wife and children and mother-in-law, who they have also brought into the operating room at gunpoint, to make sure the doctor does a good job.

I’m not making this up: I have seen this scene more than once in the Granddaddy Of ‘Em All: “El Senor de los Cielos.” In ESDLC, Good Doctors are regularly dragged in to repair gunshot wounds or rustled up to perform emergency reconstructive plastic surgery (to change NarcoIdentities), with their terrified family members watching while they are menaced by NarcoThugs, which is counter-intuitive, if you ask me. Trembling hands and extra bodies in the operating room do not promote a quick recovery, and in the USA, health insurance companies would never allow it.

The Bad Doctors are the doctors who are totally in on The Game. They are basically Narcos Who Went To Medical School. The best example of a Bad Doctor that I can give you is from the novelas “Sin Senos No/Si Hay Paraíso.” Now in its third season, the plots of the show have changed a lot, but originally, the series was about poor girls in small towns in Colombia who tragically can only see a way out of a dead-end life by having reconstructive surgery to attract a Narco, to then live what they think will be the high life. Almost always, the reconstructive surgery was breast implants; hence, the title of the show.

This was such a common practice in the show that at least one of the Narcos, El Gato Gordo, had a mini-hospital in his home (including a Gift Shop), with a full medical staff going round-the-clock. His hospital only had one patient – Catalina La Pequena – who Gato Gordo had drugged and kidnapped, and then forced to undergo breast-implant surgery. She had to stay in his hospital until she had fully recovered from the surgery. The only bright side was that she was not billed for any of it. Gato had the help of a Bad Doctor who did the surgery and supervised the recovery. The Bad Doctor did a great job, but got the axe (literally) when he fell in love with Catalina too.

If you are a doctor who performs unnecessary breast-implant surgery against the will of the patient in the basement hospital of a Narco whose name translates to “Fat Cat,” you probably should have paid more attention to the Ethics Lectures in medical school.

One thing the Good Doctors and Bad Doctors have in common is this: They are always being threatened that if they do not cure the patient, they will be killed. This is a much better incentive to practice good medicine than medical malpractice lawsuits.

Wondering what the doctors just leading the lives of regular doctors are doing in telenovelas? Well, they are wandering around making house calls (!) and only ever delivering two bits of news that are ALWAYS cataclysmic: “You Are Pregnant!” OR “You Can Never Have Children…” That keeps them very busy.

So who are The Best Doctors in a telenovela?

They are the people who perform complicated medical procedures, but are not doctors. You can find them in almost any NarcoNovela, because no one needs constant access to health care more than a Narco. Most recently, in ESDLC6, Aurelio’s half-brother Amado found Aurelio all shot up in a boxing gym in Mexico City, and gave him a blood transfusion USING HIS OWN BLOOD in the locker room with no equipment, and without sepsis setting in. And while chewing gum the whole time.

But the Very Best Examples of The Best Doctors were in the FABULOUS telenovela “Santa Diabla.” If you have never seen this novela, where have you been? You need to watch it now. It was tangled up in fantastic characters engaged in absolutely wild plots, and full of The Best Doctors:

Want to see a Crazy/Beautiful, young woman who can (without anesthesia) remove the bullet from Willy Delgado, the man her father was holding prisoner in his basement, AFTER she shot him AFTER she forced him to have sex with her while he was still chained up, and then post-surgery carry him upstairs? Yep! Ximena Duque’s “Preciosa” was not only a skilled surgeon, but like an ant, she could also carry a hundred million times her own body weight. And where did the gunshot would victim recover? In the bedroom of the kindly prostitute who ran the local bordello. She changed the bandages and somehow hooked up an IV in between hookups.

“Santa Diabla” also had it’s own Telenovela “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman:” The wacky old lady who Lived In A Van Down By The River, and showed no signs of having lived in a civilized society, let alone having attended medical school. She found Santiago (Aaron Diaz) floating down the river, near-dead: shot, drowned, and all beat-up. After anesthetizing herself with a bottle of whiskey, she removed the bullets with her (unsterilized) fingers, sewed him up with catgut (still inside of the cat), and he survived. Unfortunately, Dr. Quinn did not, but you’ll have to watch the series to find out why…

Just like Telenovela Lawyers, no Doctor has as much fun in real life as they do in telenovelas. And if you ask me, the same can be said for all of us. There is no life that is as much fun as the Telenovela Life!

For more of my sideways views on telenovelas, join me daily on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @gringanovelera, or follow my blog Lagringanovelera.me!