CAN THESE REVENGE MARRIAGES BE SAVED?

CAN THESE REVENGE-MARRIAGES BE SAVED??

That is the central question posed by the return, 20 years later, of the extremely popular telenovela “Pasion de Gavilanes” which is Spanish for “Passion of the Hawks.” (I don’t know much about nature, but that sounds like something you never want to get in the middle of.)

I don’t know who came up with the idea of revisiting a 20-year old telenovela for a second season, but whoever it was deserves a Nobel Prize.

I’d like to see this happen for every single telenovela I ever watched!
And after that idea runs it’s course, I’d like to see how everyone who was ever killed in a telenovela carries on in the Afterlife. The possibilities are endless!

This Second Season of PDG is the ultimate “Where Are They Now, and What Do They Look Like?”
Well, let’s clear that up right now: If you were hoping that some of the characters gained weight or lost hair, (or ideally both) you can forget that idea right now.

This is a telenovela, so by law, the actors have to be the best-looking people on the planet.
20 years later, they are only better-looking.
So much so that I can’t tell the original cast apart from their teenage children.
They all look like they are college sophomores on their way to a fun Frat party.

In the original show, the 3 Reyes Brothers married the 3 Elizondo sisters to get revenge on the girls’ mother, the battle-axe Mrs Elizondo, because Mrs Elizondo drove the pregnant Reyes sister (who had been having an affair with Mr Elizondo, who was killed in a horse accident) to commit suicide.

I was never sure how marrying Mrs Elizondo’s daughter constituted revenge for the Reyes boys, unless they were thinking about her having to foot that big catering bill and also having to go shopping for 3 wedding dresses, not to mention the seating arrangements.

For as high and mighty as Mrs Elizondo was, she was hiding a delicious secret:
She had forced her daughter Norma to marry a Very Bad Guy named Fernando, and then forced Norma and Fernando to live on the ranch with her because Mrs Elizondo and Fernando were having a super-torrid affair which was fueled by the fact that Norma would not have sex with her own husband Fernando. Not because she knew about the affair but because she was haunted by a rape.

Well when the 3 Reyes Brothers (assuming false identities) show up on the Elizondo ranch, ostensibly to build a cabin on the property, the 3 Elizondo Sisters do not know that since their dead father had fathered a child with the dead Reyes sister they are all practically related in a way that cannot be understood unless you’re really good at algebra.

Of course all of the Reyes/Elizondo couples fall in love and Mrs Elizondo is somehow forgiven, and after overcoming a lot of obstacles, including the super-sexy and super-persistent nightclub singer Rosario Montes, Love Conquers All By Marrying It or Killing It.

So now it’s 20 years later (in Season 2) and the 3 Happy Couples don’t seem so happy (except for Norma and Juan), who still swoon over each other, and ride horses everywhere, even to court.
Where they have to go after their twin sons (who no one seems to like very much), are accused of kidnapping and murdering a local, popular schoolteacher.
When people are killed in a telenovela, popularity counts very much, which was an idea I always tried to incorporate into my murder trials when I was a prosecutor.
No matter how old we get, we are all still in 7th grade.

I think the key to Norma and Juan’s happy marriage has been their shared love of denim, horses, cowboy hats, and not living with Mrs Elizondo.

As for the other two couples, both marriages are definitely on the rocks:
Franco & Sara are living apart, and Sara glares every time she hears the name of the nightclub singer, so I think she thinks Franco is back with her. They have two teenage kids who seem a lot nicer than the Evil Twins of Norma and Juan.

And as for Jimena and Oscar, Jimena just had a big fashion show in Milan and Oscar still lives on the ranch, so without that mutual bond of Denim, and no kids, I’m not sure if this Revenge Marriage can sustain itself.

Meanwhile, the Reyes Twins might be getting out on Home Monitoring for the murder, because everyone respects Juan, abd his ability to keep his kids locked up on the ranch.

Everyone of course except for the teacher’s son, who is leading the townspeople against the release, which makes Juan nervous because he has a dream where the townspeople turn against him and act just like the villagers in “Frankenstein.”

I’m prepared to hate the Reyes Twins as much as just about every other character in the show does, but I’m not sure what the evidence is against them yet:
So far, I think it’s a tip, and the “Everybody Knows” standard, as in “Everybody Knows you two hated the teacher because he gave you well-deserved bad grades.”

Again, when I was a prosecutor, the “Everybody Knows” standard was a new standard for the Burden of Proof I lobbied for. Hard.
If only I could have used that, instead of the super-annoying “Beyond A Reasonable Doubt,”
I could have spent more time in my office smoking, drinking vats of Diet Coke, making plans for what I was going to do that night.

And Rosario the Nightclub singer is back in town, with a tiny, annoying German butler named “Gunter,” who follows her everywhere with her bottle of wine and portable tumbler, and the only time he’s not with her is when he’s plotting against her.
Rosario plans on bringing the old nightclub back to town!
Can’t wait for Franco to hear about the Grand Opening!!

Watch the next episode tonight and read all about it the next day here!

¿Que Haces Aqui? A Documentary About Karen Trailer on Vimeo

This is “¿Que Haces Aqui? A Documentary About Karen Trailer” by Robert Rook on Vimeo, the home for high quality videos and the people who love them.
— Read on vimeo.com/537878152

PANIC AT THE DISCO, aka “BUSCANDO A FRIDA”

“LOOKING FOR FRIDA?” – “BUSCANDO A FRIDA”

So last night was one part of a Double-Header Premier night from Telemundo, and the new MysteryNovela is “BUSCANDO A FRIDA,” which means “Looking For Frida.”
I’m already hooked, and I’m going to guess that after a few episodes we will learn so much about Frida and her Family that we will wonder why they are not grateful she’s gone.

That’s a Novela I’d like to see one day – “We’re Grateful She’s Gone.” Basically, in my version, a teenage girl disappears and her family spends the rest of the show trying to keep her gone.

So in BAF, basically, Frida is a teenage girl who leaves her father’s birthday party early to go to the disco with her cousins, and disappears from there.
The only clues to her disappearance are that her phone and red cold-shoulder disco dress are found in a park in Mexico City (where they live), and she also made-out like crazy with one of her male cousins while the other male cousin spied on them jealously, and her female cousin danced alone and complained later that she thought Frida was staging the whole “disappearance” for attention, which seems odd because if there’s one thing Frida has no shortage of, it’s attention.
Or bad cousins.

Frida’s father, Mr Pons,left his own birthday party to take Frida and her cousins to the disco, which seemed ok with him.
I found this very odd because they live in Mexico City, and I lived in Mexico City for awhile, and if there’s one thing I know about Mexico City (besides the abundance of delicious Tacos Pastor), I don’t care where you are going or what time you’re going- you are going to be stuck in traffic. Forever.
When I lived in Chicago I was pretty much always late for everything, but when I lived in Mexico City I was always early, but that’s because I always added two extra hours to however long Uber said it took to get there so I would not be late.

So I’m not sure what kind of daughter asks her father to leave his birthday party to drive her to the disco in Mexico City, but if that was my daughter I’d think her disappearance would add years to my life.

The fact that Mr Pons was willing to leave his party and get back into Mexico City traffic to drive the teen cousins to the underage disco tells you one of two things:

The adults at the party couldn’t wait to get rid of the teenagers; or
The adults at the party were so boring that being stuck in traffic was better than being stuck spending more time with them.

I vote for #2 and here’s why:
Mr & Mrs Pons, their three daughters, and housekeeper live in a gigantic house in the middle of a big park, and the other two houses belong to Mr Pons’ sisters and their families.
And it looks like they are all together all of the time, which might be why Frida and her cousin seem to be in love.
(It’s a little of “Flowers In The Attic,” except the Kissing Cousins are in 3 pretty big mansions inside of a big park inside of the biggest city in the world. So they do have other options.)

So if I’m Mr Pons, and I’m spending another night (my birthday) with my sisters and their husbands again, I might volunteer to drive the kids into the city too.

Mr Pins is clearly a Captain of Industry, and his sisters are like his Lieutenants, and their husbands are like enlisted men. Which I predict causes no small amount of tension, because the husbands are like the Invited Guests at the Officer’s Club, but their wives are members, so they have more privileges and sign for everything. This means that the husbands have to pretend to like their wives even more than they have to pretend to like their brother-in-law.

Mrs Pons stays home and pretends to help her housekeeper run her house.

When Mrs Pons and one of her sisters-in-law goes to the disco to pick up Frida and the cousins, it might be a good thing Frida is missing because I’m not even sure where they would all fit.
Plus, with the cousin make-out that happened that the other cousin saw, the tension level in that car was going to be fierce.
Plus, it was going to be a super-tight fit, which could go either way.
Better that Frida disappeared, and one cousin was stoned out of his mind when his aunt found him sleeping in the Ladies Room.

The whole family is now sad and frantic, and probably wouldn’t be cheered up at the bright side, which means a lot less driving.

Mr Pons is so powerful that their own detective has been assigned to Frida’s disappearance, and we can tell Det. Cabrera is very troubled because he has a punching bag in his cool loft, and a dog who spends most of his day watching him punch the heavy bag.
And that’s pretty much it.

Plus, Det. Cabrera has the kind of haircut that a wife or girlfriend would never tolerate, unless of course they wanted to make sure other women looked the other way. I think that his haircut might be inspired (or caused by) quarantine, but because there was is no social distancing happening in the show, I’m guessing the series was filmed pre-Covid, which means that there’s no excuse for his haircut other than the fact he is a troubled bachelor who is too troubled to get a decent haircut.

Det Cabrera is a detective unlike any detective I have ever seen (and I’ve seen a few) because he drives his own car everywhere, and never talks to his partner about where they are going to eat lunch.

So he’s assigned to The Disappearance of Frida, and as soon as he met the Pons family he fell in love with Mrs Pons.
And her with him.
The disappearance of her daughter might have slowed her down a bit, but I’m pretty sure we will watch their romance unfold faster than the Missing Person’s Case he’s opened.

At the end of yesterday’s episode, Mrs Pons spotted Frida’s Red Disco dress at the same park where her phone had been found.
And Mr Pons got a chilling phone call from someone who claims to have Frida.
Since it was just the first episode, it seems unlikely he really does have Frida, unless BAF is setting a record for the shortest telenovela in history.

“Buscando A Frida” is an updated, new version of one of my favorite novelas “Donde Esta Elisa?,” which was a remake of a Chilean novela of the same name.
The original series is more than 10 years old, so there’s lots of space for changes and new material!
Perhaps the entire case will be solved on Toc Toc, so I can finally learn what that is.

The series was created by Pablo Illanes and this version was written by Sandra Velasco.
The series has great genes.
And so does the does the cast.
Everyone is beautiful, which always adds tension.
In a family this good-looking, no one is taking a back seat to anyone, or letting the mysterious disappearance of anyone interfere with their spa appointments, Keratin treatments or Pilates.

I’m going to be watching and telling you all about it, and I hope you’ll join me for this new fun ride from Telemundo!

buscandoafrida

telemundo

@TLMDPR @

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES … AND MURDER & MAYHEM!!” (Episode 8)

Ever wonder what would happen if you combined a Hallmark Christmas movie with a Telenovela? Well, wonder no more!! Here is EXACTLY what happens, in “A Season For Magic & Miracles, And Mayhem & Murder,” (Episode 8)!!

Here’s what happens when you combine a Hallmark Christmas Movie and a Telenovela!

It’s been awhile, between travelling and other interruptions! So Sorry!!!

But here’s the latest episode, and you can find Episodes 1-7 here, and on my blog, lagringanovelera.me!

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC AND MIRACLES, AND MURDER AND MAYHEM!”

Episode 8:

But first a few flashbacks!

(((( When we last left the crime scene of Roberto’s (or maybe Pablo’s???) murder, LAS COLOMBIANAS, Special Assistant Deputies of Crime (And Arepas), had just announced that ROBERTO had been poisoned before he was ever shot, based upon tasting the white powder substance at the corner of Roberto’s mouth. This news stunned the Coroner, DOC FA LA LA LA LA, who was still counting the bullet holes in Roberto’s body. An even bigger surprise was the appearance of TWO TWIN ORPHAN children, JUAN CARLOS and GERARDO, who claimed they were Roberto’s Secret Sons. -Meanwhile, LUPITA and JAYCEE were falling in love while POLICE CHIEF RICARDO and MAYOR LUIS were interrogating them, even though the jury is still out on whether or not they are brother and sister.

-Meanwhile, GINA and VERONICA were in the kitchen preparing trays of Hot Cider and Christmas Cookies for the long night ahead, where it was clear that with Roberto gone, Veronica is very much in favor of selling Roberto’s store, Ye Old La Casa de Christmas of Ciderville, to The Career Woman Who Is Too Busy To Love Christmas, And In Fact Hates Christmas, and Wants To Buy Ciderville To Destroy It, who Veronica is sure is Lupita. Gina is worried for Lupita and Ciderville, and had to remind Veronica that the store isn’t theirs to sell, and Lupita has not yet said she is THAT WOMAN.

-Meanwhile, back at the Old Abandoned Mansion, FERNANDA has freed SANDRITA and ANTONIO from the locked bedroom, which Sandrita wasn’t too thrilled about, to be honest. Sandrita announces she’s with Interpol and has been following Antonio, and Antonio discovers the Santa mask in Fernanda’s pocket – could it be the same Santa mask worn by whoever killed Roberto?

-Meanwhile, BLANCA, PABLO’S wife, is not so sure her husband Pablo really is Pablo, The Surviving Twin.

-Meanwhile, no one is more confused by this story than me.)))

That’s enough flashbacks.

As Dr. Dre says, “Let’s Chill, ‘til the Next Episode…” (Which is this one!)

BACK AT THE CRIME SCENE…

Doc Fa La La La La, stunned at Las Colombianas’ conclusion that Roberto was poisoned, tries the powdery substance at the corner of Roberto’s mouth. Smiling, he opens Roberto’s clenched, rigor-mortis fist, where he finds the remains of a half-eaten Christmas Cookie. “This powder isn’t poison – it’s powder sugar!” The crowd cheers because now they can go back to the easier mystery of “Who Shot Roberto In A Santa Mask?” But Las Colombianas, not to be outdone, announce that Sugar IS Poison!

Doc suggests to Mayor Luis and Sheriff Ricardo give their girlfriends something else to do on the case. Luis and Ricardo have to agree, reluctantly, but since they have never settled on which one of them is La Colombiana’s boyfriend, and which one of them is The Other Colombiana’s boyfriend, the four of them link arms, like the cast of “White Christmas, and return inside the Ciderville Gingerbread Village Hall, where the deputized Las Colombianas are given the task of reviewing surveillance video.

When Mayor Luis suggests to them that they look for anything suspicious, La Colombiana announces that “EVERYONE IS A SUSPECT!” The Other Colombiana adds, “Even you two! Do you have an alibi? It seems to us that nothing in the Christmas Town of Ciderville is as it seems… , and everyone is Under Suspicion. Don’t leave town.”

The four of them stare at each other in a Very Tense Moment…

MEANWHILE, Lupita and Jaycee take a stroll in the moonlight, in Ciderville Christmas Park, a park filled with decorated Christmas trees, twinkling lights, covered bridges, an ice-skating rink, and a food truck giving away Hot Cider and Christmas Cookies. Jaycee and Lupita get a hot cider, and take a seat to watch the ice-skaters. Jaycee pulls the mistletoe out of his pocket, and holds it over their heads. Lupita’s fear that there is still a remote possibility that they may be brother and sister does not stop her from participating in a Full-Metal makeout. When they finally come up for air, JayCee asks Lupita if it’s true – Has she come to Ciderville to buy it and destroy it? Lupita takes her hands from his, and a single Telenovela Tear runs down her cheek. She rises, and walks towards the ice-skating rink, watching the skaters, one tear still running down her cheek. No tear from the other eye – like a Telenovela miracle.

Lupita then turns back to face JayCee and tells him “Let me tell you a story… A Christmas Story…”

MEANWHILE, back at the Ciderville Village hall made entirely of gingerbread, a worried Francesca worriedly watches the Twin Orphans, Juan Carlos and Gerardo eat some of the gingerbread counters in the Clerk’s office, and drink hot cider. These boys are hungry.

When they finish, Francesca asks them where have they been living all this time, and what happened to their mother? The boys look at each other, terrified, and won’t answer.

Francesca opens her purse, which is always an evening bag, and slowly removes a gun, a knife, and a bottle labeled “Poison,” and places the items on the table, in between their plates piled high with gingerbread. The boys’ four identical eyes veer between the weapons and Francesca’s intense stare and cigarette holder, which seems like it could be a weapon too. Juan Carlos yells “Matame! ¡¡¡Mátanos!!! La vida no vale nada!!!” (Kill me! Kill us! Life is worth nothing!!) Gerardo is silent, (to save money on the production). Francesca smiles and then suddenly jumps up and starts hugging them so tightly she might suffocate both of them. “No, mis amors!!! I love you and will protect you from now on!! If anyone tries to hurt you ever again, they will have to go through me – and my little friends!!” (pointing at the table loaded with weapons. And Gingerbread. ). “Now, how about some Christmas cookies for dessert! And more hot cider!!”

MEANWHILE, back at the Old Abandoned Mansion On The Outskirts of Town, Sandrita has Fernanda at gunpoint, while Antonio does the questioning, which is a pretty effective interrogation technique, even in Ciderville.

Antonio demands to know what Fernanda is doing at the Old Mansion, who was shot in the mansion earlier, and what is she doing with a Santa mask in her pocket?

Fernanda insists she will tell them everything, if they promise to help her. She directs Antonio to go to her purse, where he will find the answers to what he is looking for. Antonio does as Fernanda asks, and finds an Interpol badge in her purse! Sheepishly, Antonio then pulls out his own badge – He is with Interpol too! The three of them agree that since they are all on individual secret missions, they cannot reveal those missions to anyone, even each other. But they agree to help each other as much as possible. Sandrita is still suspicious of Fernanda, and demands to know what was she doing with the Santa mask? Fernanda tells them that she found it outside, on the road leading away from the Gingerbread Village Hall, and thought it would be something fun to wear at the Fundraiser For The Orphanage, coming up on Christmas Eve.

Antonio still wants to know who was shot earlier in the mansion.

Fernanda says she’ll tell them everything – but why don’t they do it over Christmas Carols and Hot Cider at the Ciderville Christmas Cafe? Antonio and Sandrita agree and as Antonio walks out of the room, Sandrita stops Fernanda in her tracks and says, “Antonio is MINE! MINE!! Do you hear me?!?! MINE!!! And I am sitting on his side of the booth at the Christmas Cafe!” Sandrita then caresses Fernanda’s face with the barrel of her gun and reminds her that she saw Antonio first, and called “Shotgun!!”

With a diabolical laugh, Sandrita runs out after Antonio.

A worried Fernanda walks over to the mirror and talks to herself, asking herself “What have you gotten yourself into now, Fernanda??”

She then removes a photo from her wallet and stares at it – It looks like a photo of Fernanda and Lupita together, taken a few years before, dressed in matching outfits – TWINS!!! And the man in the middle? ROBERTO or PABLO! (Too hard to tell!!)

Antonio calls for Fernanda from the stairs, and Fernanda hurries to join him and Sandrita for Christmas Carols and Hot Cider at the Ciderville Christmas Cafe…

… Until Next Time – Stay Tuned!!

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES.. AND MURDER & MAYHEM!!”

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you combined a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie?
Well wonder no more… Merry Christmas!!!

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES… AND MURDER & MAYHEM.”

(EPISODE 7)

When we last left off, JAYCEE was about to kiss LUPITA under the mistletoe he’s been dragging around all night. Lupita pauses, to again make Jaycee confirm that they are not Brother & Sister. Jaycee does, and is about to go in for the kiss, when his mother BLANCA’S bloodcurdling scream pierces the night. Not unreasonably, Lupita is now sure that they ARE Brother & Sister, based upon Blanca’s scream.

But no, that’s not it.

Blanca is screaming for help, because either her Husband PABLO or her Brother-in-Law ROBERTO is DEAD! Killed on the front porch of the Ciderville Village Town Hall. The Santa, Mrs. Santa, and Elves that dominate the Christmas decorations on the porch were shot too; Rudolph’s Red Nose is shattered.

MAYOR LUIS & SHERIFF RICARDO immediately take over the crime scene, and protect it with decorative Christmas ribbon because they don’t have any Crime Scene tape, because they have never had a Crime Scene in Cedarville.

Now, there is only one twin remaining – but they mystery is Which Twin Is It? Since Pablo and Roberto were so identical, and wore matching Christmas sweaters to the Ciderville Village Hall, who is dead, and who is alive? The Twin Left Alive insists he is Pablo, but Blanca is not so sure, and looks at him through narrowed eyes. The Twin Who Insists He’s Pablo tells Luis and Ricardo he didn’t see who shot his brother – that someone ran up to them in a Santa Claus mask, shot Roberto several times, then jumped into a waiting car. Pablo doesn’t know if it was a man or a woman, can’t give a height/weight description, and was too startled to notice the clothes, or make/model of the car. Basically, Pablo says “I heard shots, saw nothing.” (A phrase that people who work in law enforcement in Chicago will recognize.) Luis & Ricardo are very unhappy with the complete lack of information provided by the only witness to the murder, who happens to be the identical twin of the victim…

MEANWHILE… Back at the old, abandoned mansion…

SANDRITA and ANTONIO are still locked in in the attic bedroom, and their only source of light, the Christmas Candle, is about to die out…Sandrita suggests that they share the sleigh bed to keep warm until help comes. Antonio is tempted, but does not want to give up trying to get out of there. As he continues to pull hard on the locked door, at that very moment the door opens easily, and those force of physics throws Antonio backwards onto the sleighbed with Sandrita.

FERNANDA opened the door from the outside, and is amused at the sight of Antonio and Sandrita in bed together. Fernanda demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!” But Antonio turns the tables and demands to know of her “Y TU, QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

MEANWHILE … Back at the CIDERVILLE GINERBREAD VILLAGE HALL, Sheriff Ricardo think it would be a good idea to move the Homicide Investigation into the Ciderville Police Department, which is the room next door, but an anxious FRANCESCA reminds him the Police Department is not available because all of the Christmas presents for the Orphanage are there – there’s no room for anything or anyone else. Mayor Luis stops Francesca as she tries to leave, reminding her that there is no orphanage in Ciderville, because there are no orphans in Ciderville. Suddenly, twin boys appear in the doorway of the Village Hall, and announce that there are Two Orphans in Ciderville … “We are Roberto’s sons… and now that he is dead, we have no parents for Christmas…”

This IS news!!!!

MEANWHILE… Back at the Abandoned Old Mansion…

Fernanda tells Antonio and Sandrita that she has been living there… what are they doing there? Antonio demands to know who else is living there – he saw Fernanda in the window leaning over someone sitting in the rocking chair and he also heard shots. Who shot who, and where is the person sitting in the rocking chair?

Sandrita pulls out a badge and announces she is with Interpol, and has been following Antonio – and demands that Fernanda answer Antonio’s questions. And then leave her and Antonio alone to discuss the case. In the bedroom.

Antonio sees Fernanda is trying to stuff something into her pocket – it’s a SANTA MASK!!!

Antonio pulls the Santa Mask away from a worried Fernanda, and looking directly at the Santa Mask says “Mira nada mas… QUE HACES AQUI?!?” (“Well, well, well, look who’s here … What are you doing here?!?”). Fernanda looks scared. And Guilty.

MEANWHILE … Back at the Village Town Hall … in the Kitchen

A worried GINA finds a more worried VERONICA hiding in the kitchen, preparing more hot cider and trays of Christmas Cookies. Gina asks Veronica “Que haces aqui?!?!? Veronica tells her it looks like it’s going to be a long night, and everyone could probably use more cider and cookies. Gina doesn’t buy it, and says, “No, I mean what are you doing here, hiding in the kitchen?”

Veronica tells Gina it is too upsetting to be so close to Roberto’s dead body, especially in the Christmas sweater that she knitted for him. Gina is surprised to hear that – she didn’t know that Veronica had knitted that sweater herself. Something about that bit of news does not make sense, but before Gina can think it through, Veronica tells Gina that maybe Mayor Luis is right – maybe they should sell the “Ye Old Ciderville Christmas Shop” to Lupita now that Roberto is dead. The two women stand in the doorway of the kitchen, and watch Sheriff Ricardo interrogate Jaycee and Lupita together, as they hold hands, which is not something usually allowed in an interrogation…

Gina reminds Veronica that Lupita still denies that she is The Very Busy and Unhappy Career Woman Who Hates Christmas And Has Come To Ciderville To Buy It and Destroy It.

Veronica, watching Jaycee and Lupita together, while Jaycee still holds the mistletoe, reminds Gina that Gina knows exactly who Lupita is… and that she sure doesn’t look like a woman who hates Christmas…

MEANWHILE … back at Roberto’s body still surrounded by Christmas ribbon…

DR. DE LA FA LA LA LA LA (“DOC”) is examining Roberto’s bullet-riddled body. DOC is the town doctor and was also elected Ciderville Town Coroner, but since the town of Ciderville has never had a mysterious death before, this is Doc’s first time as Coroner.

Mayor Luis and Sheriff Ricardo watch Doc count and describe the bullet holes, as LAS COLOMBIANAS take notes and are all business. They have been Deputized by Sheriff Ricardo to be Special Assistant Deputies in this Homicide Investigation. They have a lot to say as Doc runs down the entrance and exit wounds, and speculates about where the shooter shot from.

LA COLOMBIANA notices a suspicious white powder at a corner of Roberto’s mouth. She looks down at it and mumbles “Que haces aqui?!” To the powder.

THE OTHER COLOMBIANA bends down for a closer look, and removes a bit of it from Roberto’s lip, and tastes the powder.

“POISON!!!” She announces.

“He was dead before he hit the ground!!!”

Everyone looks at each other, extremely suspiciously…

Except for Doc, who looks thoroughly confused…

To be continued …

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & Miracles … AND MURDER & MAYHEM!! (Episode 6)

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you mashed up a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie? Well here ya go: “A Season For Magic & Miracles.., And Murder & Mayhem…”

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES… AND MURDER & MAYHEM” – (EPISODE 6)

A TELENOVELA WRAPPED UP IN A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE!

CIDERVILLE VILLAGE HALL…

When we last left Ciderville, ANTONIO had startled MAYOR LUIS, when he appeared at the back of the Gingerbread Hall, and all eyes follow MAYOR LUIS as he and the handsome new stranger stare at each other. ANTONIO pulls out his gun and everyone ducks.

Then suddenly, he takes a big bite of the chocolate barrel and a big grin spreads all over his face and Mayor Luis starts laughing. All eyes are on the two old friends as they meet and hug. FERNANDA, who has watched the entire scene unfold from her hiding place in the back of the hall, finds Antonio’s real gun that he buried in a nearby gigantic Advent calendar, and takes it, hiding it in her purse. Antonio watches Fernanda as she does that while he’s hugging Mayor Luis, but doesn’t say anything as he watches her scurry away. Luis introduces Antonio to the residents of Ciderville, and he asks them to welcome him as warmly as they welcomed him. The townspeople welcome Antonio, and he gets a lot of compliments on his Christmas sweater. SHERIFF RICARDO introduces himself to Antonio, but there is immediate tension between the two of them. (Could it be that Sheriff Ricardo knows something Antonio does not – specifically, that there are only two LAS COLOMBIANAS??)

We leave Antonio and Ricardo sizing each other up, for a battle that is inevitable…

MEANWHILE …

Antonio tells Luis he’s got to run, and will find him in town tomorrow and they can catch up. Antonio escapes from the Gingerbread Village Hall in search of Fernanda, the beautiful, mysterious woman who stole his gun out of the Advent Calendar and ran away.

Antonio finds Fernanda running away down Main Street and follows her to an old, abandoned Victorian mansion. The gate is off it’s hinges, most of the windows are broken, and the gingerbread trim is falling off. A lone candle sits in the window at the top. Antonio watches from the alley nearby as Fernanda take out his gun,and enter the house carefully. He watches the top window, and within a moment sees her shadow bending over a figure he cannot make out. He pulls out a cigarette and a lighter lights up next to him, startling him. It’s SANDRITA, the beautiful, mysterious woman from the alley in Point Unpleasant, who had asked Antonio to set her on fire, figuratively speaking. Not only is she in a Christmas sweater – her earrings are mini-Rudolphs who’s noses light up. Antonio quickly pulls off her earrings – someone might see them! “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?” Antonio demands to know. Sandrita tells him that she’s here to help him… Suddenly, they hear gunfire coming from the abandoned Victorian Fernanda slipped into, and they watch as a figure in the window collapses…

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Ciderville Village Hall, Mayor Luis is just concluding the town meeting about The Busy Career Woman From The Big City Who Hates Christmas And Wants To Buy Ciderville So She Can Destory It. LUPITA, looking extra-Christmas-y, is still getting glares and stares from most of the citizens of the town who are convinced it’s her. Then Mayor Luis throws a monkey-wrench into his presentation, when he suggests that maybe Ciderville should do the Opposite of Every Christmas Town in America and just SELL CIDERVILLE for as much money as they can get! He points out the ‘Pro’s’ of such a move – first and foremost, they can stop wearing Christmas sweaters and listening to Christmas music non-stop.

Luis is unnerved by the hard looks he’s getting, but it’s clear that a few people find the idea appealing. Luis studies the faces across from him, and asks them to just think about it. “Meanwhile, it’s time for some hot cider and homemade Christmas Cookies, and just like we do every year, you are welcome to eat parts of the Gingerbread Village Hall, but please avoid the retaining walls and support beams until closer to New Year’s. “. A loud cheer goes up as the audience rises and starts eating, drinking and dancing to Christmas music.

MEANWHILE… Back at the Abandoned Mansion…

After the gunfire stops, Antonio orders Sandrita to stay put, he’s going to investigate. Sandrita pulls out her badge and announces she’s with Interpol, and her Christmas vacation is over. She’s going with. Sandrita also warns Antonio to “not leave town – you’ll never find a Christmas town as beautiful and Christmas-y as Ciderfalls.” They run to the Mansion together to find out what happened …

MEANWHILE … Back at the Ciderville Village Hall…in the hallway next to the Meeting Hall…

LAS COLOMBIANAS have been spying on the meeting and what Mayor Luis is telling the crowd. La Colombiana listens closely, while The Other Colombiana takes notes. When Luis tells the crowd maybe they should sell Ciderville – they could all make a lot of money – Las Colombianas are outraged, and as soon as Luis leaves the stage and walks past them, The Other Colombiana breaks a Christmas vase over his head and they drag his body into a nearby office, while …

Francesca has been spying on Las Colombianas spying on Luis and also sees them drag his unconscious body into the nearest office. Francesca quickly makes a phone call, telling the person who answers – “I have got some news for you. Meet me at the Christmas Cantina. NO! The OTHER Christmas Cantina!!!

MEANWHILE…Back at the Abandoned Mansion, Antonio and Sandrita finally make the long climb to the top floor of the mansion, only to find the still-lit candle, shell cases, but No Body and No Fernanda. However, they do find something interesting – A Document that appears extremely ancient. We can’t see what it is but when they read it, their eyes open very wide, as if they are in shock.

Then, a breeze slams the door shut and blows the candle out, and they are suddenly plunged into darkness… Sandrita lights the lone candle in the room again, and tells Antonio that Las Colombianas have the right idea – Christmas sweaters with candles built right into them.

Antonio tries the door – they are LOCKED IN! And they can’t get any service on their cell-phones.

Sandrita and Antonio look around the room – there’s only an old-fashioned Christmas tree thankfully strung with popcorn, a rocking chair, and one bed covered in down Christmas blankets… Are you thinking what Sandrita is thinking?????

MEANWHILE… Back in the Ciderville Village Hall…

People continue to hang around and celebrate Christmas, and Luis possibly excellent idea, with hot cider and Christmas Cookies. GABI and GINA meet over the hot cider punch bowl when they reach for the ladle at the same time.

Gabi wants to know from Gina “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?”

Gina responds that she could ask Gabi the same thing – for all anyone knows, Leonardo is the person who wants to buy Ciderville – he never appreciated the living, breathing heart of Ciderville, and the idea of a year-round, 24-hours a day ChristmasTown…

They are joined at the punchbowl by ROBERTO & PABLO, who confront each other in their matching Christmas sweaters. Roberto insists his is of a better quality – that they only sell the best of Christmas at “Ye Olde Ciderville Chrismas Shop,” while Pablo insists their stuff is junk, and that he, and his store The Ciderville General “El Generalissimo” Store are where all Christmas wishes come true – even the ones you never knew you had. They begin shoving each other over who has the better Christmas store, and when someone yells for Mayor Luis, Sheriff Ricardo finally realizes Luis is missing!

MEANWHILE… In the tiny office of the Village Hall where all non-Christmas supplies are kept…

Luis wakes up from being knocked out, looks around the store-room filled with boring office supplies, and looks at his captors who are still eating Arepas, Las Colombianas, and asks “QUE ESTOY HACIENDO AQUI?!?!” (“What Am I Doing Here?!?”)

Las Colombianas really give Mayor Luis an earful about his idea to go along with the sale of the town and stop living Christmas around-the-clock. Their very fast talking and extremely unusual accents are not making Luis’ headache any better, but as everyone knows, there is nothing that an Arepa can’t cure, so he eats a few and listens to their objections. Since they are very against waste, and have devoted their lives to fighting Global Warming, it is their opinion that destroying the town of Ciderville, no matter who much money everyone can make, will be very harmful. They add that they hit him over the head really hard to help make their point. They beg Luis to save the town of Ciderville, as only Las Colombianas can…

MEANWHILE… Back in the Village Hall…

The residents of Ciderville continue arguing with one another-

JOSE & JOSUE confront Oscar about trying to steal NADIA away from her husband, but Nadia insists to Oscar that she no longer loves JOSUE, and was going to leave him anyway. Jose and Josue find this admission very interesting, because Nadia is married to JOSE, not JOSUE. Nadia bursts into tears, and protests that it is not her fault – it’s their fault because they insist of wearing very similar Christmas sweaters and she can no longer tell them apart…

LEONARDO happily watches all of the bickering between the residents of Ciderville, and FRANCESCA, still smoking with her cigarette holder, is enjoying it just as much. The two of them bond over the Christmas discord and share a piece of the Gingerbread Town Hall. Francesca makes The Cigarette Move on Leonardo, but it’s less effective with a cigarette in a cigarette holder because it’s further away and not as intimate. Nonetheless, LUPITA, from across the room, sees it and doesn’t like it. Lupita walks right up to Leonardo, pulls him away from Francesca, and demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?!? I am your wife!!” Francesca bursts out laughing, and Leonardo reminds Lupita that she didn’t even know they were married until he told her. He hands her a gigantic gumdrop as a Christmas peace offering, and strolls off with Francesca.

Lupita stands in the midst of the Ciderville citizens’ bickering and looks lost, because she has no one to argue with. JAYCEE strolls up, and very seductively, he asks Lupita “Que Haces Aqui?!” He then points up, and reminds her she is standing under the mistletoe. As he goes in for a kiss, Lupita stops him, and asks “Are you sure we are not brother and sister?”

Jaycee responds with one of the scariest phrases in Telenovelaville – “Confiar en mi.” – “Trust me.”

Jaycee goes in for the kiss again- but this time he’s stopped by a bloodcurdling scream from his mother, BLANCA!!

Blanca is standing outside, just outside of the front door of the Village Hall.

And someone is dead at her feet.

It could be her husband PABLO, or it could be his brother ROBERTO…

It’s impossible to tell which one is dead and which one is alive because they are identical twins in matching Christmas sweaters…

But either way, it’s bad…

To be continued…

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES & MURDER & MAYHEM – Episode 5

Have you ever wished a Hallmark Christmas Movie could be more like a telenovela? Have you ever wondered what would happen if you mashed-up a Telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas Movie?? Well, now’s your chance… Look for a new episode every day of my telenovela “A Season for Magic & Miracles, and Murder & Mayhem… “

EPISODE 5 – “A TIME FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES … AND MURDER & MAYHEM”. — Yet Another Stranger Comes To Town

(A TELENOVELA COMBINED WITH A HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE)

We are in a dark alley. There are remnants of snow around, but basically, the snow is so old and dirty that the alley looks like a dirty ashtray. A caption tells us we are “Unpleasant Point,” New York.” Suddenly, we hear the footsteps of someone being chased – it’s a very handsome and mysterious man (“ANTONIO”). He stops at the edge of the alley – maybe he has escaped. He is scruffy and kind of beat-up, which somehow makes him look even more handsome.

As he catches his breath, he puts his gun back in his jeans pocket and looks around. Except for the sound of a dirty sax playing “Marry Christmas Baby,” coming from a nearby strip club, there is nothing at all Christmas-y about this dark, damp alley. Antonio hears the voices of the men who have been chasing him, so he begins to run towards a neon blinking “Unpleasant Point Bus Terminal.” He is stopped by a beautiful and mysterious woman who emerges from the shadows, and asks him for a light. This woman is “SANDRITA,” and she does not have a cigarette, which Antonio points out to her. “What is it you want me to light,” Antonio asks Sandrita. “My heart, mi amor – set me on fire.” Antonio ponders this odd yet intriguing response, assumes that this beautiful and mysterious woman was speaking figuratively, and excuses himself because there are men chasing him who want to kill him.

Sandrita watches Antonio run into the bus station, lights a cigarette and says to herself, “See you in Ciderville, mi amor.” Under her coat, we can what looks like the collar of a Christmas sweater.

The inside of the Unpleasant Point Bus Depot is even more grim and less Christmas-y than the alley, if such a thing is even metaphysically possible. Antonio makes his way to the lone cashier, who is dozing and eating at the same time. A small portable TV behind him plays “Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol.” Antonio comments that he’s happy to see something for the holidays here – for awhile he thought Unpleasant Point didn’t celebrate Christmas. At first the cashier is confused, then tells Antonio it’s the only tv station they can get this deep into the mountains of upstate New York – the signal comes from a town called “Ciderville,” and they show Christmas movies 24-hours a day. He only has the TV on to keep his dinner warm – and points to a casserole dish sitting on top of the TV. Antonio, who keeps looking over his shoulder, asks for a bus ticket for the next bus out of town – doesn’t care where it’s going. Without missing a beat the cashier tells him “You’re in luck Santa – you’re going to Ciderville.” He takes Antonio’s cash, hands him a ticket, and points to the lone bus sitting in the terminal. “It’s just about to leave – better hurry up.”

Antonio takes the ticket, runs to the bus, but stops to give an elderly blind man with a red bucket some money. After Antonio drops a big wad of cash into the bucket, he wishes the old man a Merry Christmas and hurries to the bus. The elderly blind man removes his sunglasses, looks at the cash in the bucket and watches Antonio get on the bus.

The two men who have been chasing Antonio arrive just as the bus pulls away. They ask the old (not really blind) man where that bus is going, and the old man tells them “Sacramento.” Defeated for now, the two men shoulders’ slump and ask where the nearest rental car business is. The old man points to the car rental office in the terminal, but adds that it’s closed for the night, and they had better make themselves comfortable …

MEANWHILE…

Back in CIDERVILLE, LUPITA runs up Main Street, where she runs into OSCAR, who is running towards her. They both have to dodge groups of carolers dressed like Dickens characters handing out cups of hot cider and Christmas cookies to passers-by. Lupita has just escaped the Ciderville “El Generalissimo” General Store, while Oscar has just escaped the Ciderville Christmas Candle-Inn. They have never been so happy to see each other, and bring each other up to date on the lunatics they have just managed to escape from. The two of them compare notes:

In a flashback, Lupita describes the disturbing encounter with the very handsome LEONARDO, who is GABI’s brother, and apparently one of GINA’s enemies. Lupita tells Oscar how Leonardo made a beeline for her, and insisted she was his wife! Oscar interrupts to ask her if this Leonardo thinks she is this FERNANDA too, but Lupita says, “NO!! HE CALLED ME LUPITA AND INSISTS WE ARE MARRIED!!”

Oscar is very surprised at this, and tries to ask Lupita if it’s possible that she married this LEONARDO somewhere and forgot? Lupita agrees that anything is possible during the magic of Christmas, but she’s pretty sure she’d remember marrying a man as handsome as Leonardo. Lupita adds that when she tried to convince Leonardo that they are not married, Leonardo confessed to her that Lupita was in a “Conscious Coma” when they got married, and that is why she doesn’t remember.

Oscar then shares his story with her – we see it unfold in flashback – that he had really fallen hard for this NADIA, and confesses he allowed her to puncture the tires to the car so he could spend the night with her, but then tells Lupita that while he and Nadia were in the cantina, two very dangerous criminal-types came in, JOSUE and JOSE, and that one of the criminals (Oscar doesn’t know which one because their names are vey similar and they were both wearing Christmas sweaters) announced that Nadia is his wife. Oscar says that Nadia insisted it is not true, but when the man broke a beer bottle on the bar, after crushing a glass in his hand, Oscar thought he had better leave, with Jose, Josue and Nadia chasing him down Main Street. He adds he was only able to get away because a group of very small people dressed as elves were walking up Main Street looking for Santa’s Village, which Osar wants to visit before they leave.

Oscar looks down at Lupita’s brightly colored Christmas shopping bag that reads “HAVE A MERRY CIDERVILLE CHRISTMAS – FOR ALL OF THE WISHES YOU NEVER KNEW YOU HAD!!!” Oscar asks “What’s in the bag?!” Lupita answers his question by pulling two Christmas sweaters out of the bag – His and Hers.” Oscar shakes his head NO, but Lupita insists – they need to wear them to blend into the big town meeting tonight at the Gingerbread Village Hall. Lupita reminds him that this is why they came all this way – they have to wear these sweaters tonight – they have to be at the big meeting!! Plus, Lupita adds that there will be hot cider and homemade cookies. And that Nadia will certainly be there, since she owns the Bed and Breakfast in town! Lupita promises Oscar that she will keep Jose and Josue busy so Oscar can talk to Nadia and straighten the whole married/not married issue out. Oscar reminds Lupita that she has the same issue to figure out for herself, but agrees to go to the meeting, and wear the Christmas sweater.

As Lupita and Oscar hash out the details of their plan, GINA hovers nearby, spying on them from the side of the building they are next to. In fact, it’s hard to see how Lupita can’t see her, but if she would just look a few more inches to her right, or pay attention to all of the people wishing Gina a “Merry Christmas” as they walk by her, Lupita might realize that Gina has overheard everything she and Oscar said…

As Oscar and Lupita walk away in search of a room somewhere other than Nadia’s Bed and Breakfast, and a place to try on their Christmas sweaters, Gina emerges from the shadows and watches them walk away. “Be careful, mi amor,” she whispers. LEONARDO has been spying on them too, from the other side of the building, and when he hears Gina say “Be Careful, Mi Amor,” he stops, and approaches her very seductively. “Are you talking to me?” he asks. “Well who else would I be talking to?” responds Gina. Leonardo offers Gina his arm and asks her if she’ll join him for a hot cider. Gina accepts with pleasure, and they two of them sashay down Main Street together. As they pass by the window of the Ciderville “El Generalissimo” General Store, GABI watches her brother walk arm-in-arm with her archenemy, takes a chocolate Santa Clause off of the tree, and bites off the head.

MEANWHILE … Back at the Ciderville Village Hall…

LAS COLOMBIANAS are very busy chatting, chattering, and decorating the Town Hall, getting ready for the big meeting tonight. They have brought Arepas for everyone, claiming that since they are Colombian, they can’t live on Hot Cider and Cookies alone. Somehow, they are able to dance while they work, but once Maluma’s version of “(Baby Please) Come Home For Christmas” starts playing, all work stops as the two lead a Zumba lesson.

MAYOR LUIS and SHERIFF RICARDO watch Las Colombianas and agree they are in love with them, even though they can’t understand most of what they say, and they would feel a lot more confident if they knew who this “Parce” fellow was.

They toast each other with an Arepa and watch the Christmas Zumba lesson Las Colombianas give to the rest of the group.

MEANWHILE… Back on the bus to Cedarville…

Antonio watches the towns roll by as the bus travels towards Ciderville. A big happy family at the front of the bus sings Chrismas Carols, while another woman hands out homemade Christmas Cookies, and pours everyone a little hot cider from her gigantic thermos.

Antonio realizes his seatmate, an older woman wearing a headband with reindeer ears and a Christmas sweater pulls an apple out of her bag and offers it to Antonio. He refuses it at first, but she tells him she has an extra-one and he looks like he could use it. She reminds him it’s a long way to Cedarville and he needs to eat. This woman is CLARA. Antonio gratefully accepts the apple and they start talking. Clara suggests that Antonio buys a Christmas sweater as soon as he gets to town, or else he’ll stick out, and whoever is chasing him will be able to find him. Antonio asks Clara what makes her think he’s being chased, but Clara just gives him a knowing look and tells him that unless that gun in his waistband is made of chocolate, which are the only guns allowed in Cedarville, he better stash it somewhere before he goes into town.

Antonio sheepishly looks down at his fun, stuffs it deep in his pocket, and joins in with Clara and the Carolers, as they belt out “Feliz Navidad.”

The bus rolls through the dark New York hills… It’s snowing, but when the bus pulls into Cedarville, there is no snow anywhere…

MEANWHILE… Back at the Ciderville Village Hall…

Mayor Luis and Sheriff Ricardo help Las Colombianas as they build a Kissing Booth. The Kissing Booth is creating tension between Las Colombianas and Luis and Ricardo, because Luis and Ricardo do not want Las Colombianas kissing anyone but them. And another thing creating tension is that neither Luis or Ricardo can remember either one of their names, and now it’s too late to ask, so they refer to them as LA COLOMBIANA and THE OTHER COLOMBIANA, and to make matters worse, they’re are not even sure which Colombiana they are talking about at any given time, nor can either one of the two men remember which Colombiana they like. And the tension definitely increases when the girls begin talking about a guy named “Parcero,” who Luis and Ricardo are pretty sure is “Parce’s” hermano (“Brother”).

As Luis and Ricardo watch Las Colombianas prepare themselves for the kissing booth by repeatedly checking their lipstick, and blowing out the tiny candles on their crop-top Christmas sweaters so they can light them again, an anxious Fernanda spies on them from around the gingerbread corner, smoking with one hand and eating bits of the buttercream windowsill with the other…

As the crowd begins to pour into the Meeting Hall of the Village Hall, the atmosphere is festive, EXTREMELY CHRISTMAS-Y, and ripe for some very big hijinx…

Lupita and Oscar stroll in in their new Christmas sweaters… Lupita wears a crown of garland covered in tinsel, so she clearly thinks there is some kind of prize for “Best Costume,” – not realizing this is a pretty standard look for the women of Ciderville. There’s Nadia, flanked by Josue and Jose… She has thrown caution and tradition to the wind by wearing a red mini-dress a la Scarlett O’Hara at the Ball in Atlanta…

In strolls ROBERTO flanked by Gina and Veronica, followed quickly by JAYCEE, flanked by his parents BLANCA and PABLO. When Pablo and Roberto face-off, not only are they identical twins, but to add to the confusion, they are wearing identical Christmas sweaters… In comes Leonardo escorting his sister Gabi – he has traded his finely-tailored Italian suit for a Christmas sweater too. Gabi wears a Christmas sweater-dress, which every woman in the Hall is envious of.

Fernanda is wearing a silver mini-dress with tiny Christmas sweaters sewn all over it, and because she thinks this is a formal event, she has placed her cigarette in a holder.

The room is buzzing with competing Christmas get-ups, hot cider, Christmas cookies, and even though it looks like a party, they are all there for a very important purpose – to discuss what to do about “The Busy Career Woman From The Big City Who Wants To Buy Ciderville To Destroy It Because She Hates Christmas.”

As Mayor Luis tries to call the meeting to order, he bangs on the gavel and people gradually take their seats, except for Las Colombianas and the men (and a few women) lined up at the Kissing Booth.

An angry Sheriff Ricardo breaks up the line at the Kissing Booth, declares it officially “Closed,” and order everyone to their seats. For the first order of Village Business, Mayor Luis moves to ban Kissing Booths, Sheriff Ricardo “Seconds” the motion, and Mayor Luis orders Las Colombianas to his office to await further instructions from him and Sheriff Ricardo.

The room finally begins to quiet down, when Mayor Luis, still at the podium, sees Antonio standing at the back of the room. All eyes follow, and the room goes very quiet, as everyone stares at yet ANOTHER stranger who’s come to town. Finally, from the podium, Mayor Luis yells, “ANTONIO, QUE HACES AQUII?!?!?!?!?” (“Antonio, what are you doing here?!?!?!”)

Antonio stares at Luis for a moment, and then pulls out his gun… Everyone ducks…

And no one sees FERNANDA, standing right behind him…

… To Be Continued…

“A Season For Magic & Miracles & …Murder & Mayhem”

And here it is… Episode 3 of my mashup of a Telenovela and a Hallmark Christmas Movie -The adventure that you never knew you needed, because you totally don’t!

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC AND MIRACLES… AND MURDER AND MAYHEM” – EPISODE 3

When we last left Lupita, she was in the Ciderville El Generalissimo General Store, when her romantic and dance-filled reunion with JAYCEE, the extremely handsome man her driver Oscar almost killed earlier in the day, was interrupted by a scary and angry BLANCA, who called Lupita “FERNANDA,” and demanded to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?” – “What are you doing here?!?

Of course, Blanca stopped all music and dancing in the store, which made GABI, the beautiful proprietess of the store very angry. Gabi came out from behind the counter wearing a Christmas shawl (that was also for sale), and demanded to know from Blanca – QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?

Everyone backed off, because no one ever challenges Blanca.

Blanca narrowed her eyes and told Gabi “My husband owns this store, remember?” However, Gabi did not back down at this not-unreasonable answer, and doubled-down with her response: “Yes, that’s true, it is your HUSBAND that owns this store, not you. And I am certain that your husband would not want you intimidating his customers, and also calling them by their wrong names. (Gabi points at Lupita) This is Lupita, not “Fernanda!” And if you came in for a new Christmas sweater for Jaycee, I have some new ones that just arrived that come in all sizes, including “Extra-Handsome.”

As Gabi brought out a new pile of Christmas sweaters, Blanca slowly approached Lupita, and Jaycee stood behind Lupita, which served two purposes: He could appear to be on Lupita’s side, yet he was not in his mother’s way. Blanca stared at Lupita with narrowed eyes, and said to anyone listening “Of course this is Fernanda – don’t you think I would know my own DAUGHTER?!?!?” The scratching sound of a record is heard, interrupting the Christmas music again.

Jaycee moves away from Lupita quickly, and asks Lupita “You’re my sister?!? QUE haces aqui?!?”

We leave Lupita’s stunned and still beautiful face for …

A WAREHOUSE ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CIDERVILLE

The warehouse sits, on a river, at the edge of town.

Ice skaters dressed in Victorian costumes ice skate on the river, while a group of cheerful women pour mugs of steaming Hot Cider to the ice-skating residents of Ciderville.

We move inside of the warehouse, to a dingy office decorated for Christmas. PABLO has been looking out of the window at the ice skaters, and turns to the two other men sitting at a small table in the office, waiting for him to give them his attention. These two men, JOSE and JOSUE look pretty sinister.

Pablo sits down, finally and announces that no matter how much it costs, it is worth it to keep the river frozen at Christmastime. He tells them that skaters dressed as Dickens characters drinking as much Hot Cider as they want is what Christmas is all about. He then asks JOSE and JOSUE how they plan to get rid of Lupita, The Woman Who Wants To Buy Ciderville To Destroy It. They tell Pablo that they have a better plan… And even though they don’t describe any of the details of the “Better Plan,” all three laugh in a very sinister fashion when Pablo says he likes the sound of that.

We leave them for…

THE CIDERVILLE VILLAGE HALL-

The Ciderville Village Hall is the most beautiful building in all of Ciderville. The crest of the town, which is Santa Clause drinking a from a mug of steaming Hot Cider, is emblazoned over the front door. The Village Hall is a Gigantic Gingerbread House, which residents are allowed to eat bits of all year, and then every January, the town builds a new one. However, there is an anti-waste group building strength in town, headed by the beautiful Columbiana, “ known as LA COLUMBIANA,” and her sister, equally beautiful, known as “THE OTHER COLUMBIANA.” Their presence in the town, and efforts to stop the waste of the Gingerbread Town Hall, are creating tension in Ciderville, especially between LAS COLUMBIANAS and The Mayor of Ciderville, LUIS , and RICARDO, the Chief of Police.

Chocolate Christmas Trees decorated in gumdrops, strings of popcorn and candy canes line the halls of the Village Hall, as we find ourselves in the Meeting Hall. As cheerful workers prepare the room with folding chairs strung together with garland and throw tinsel everywhere, other volunteers serve Hot Cider and home-made Christmas Cookies. MAYOR LUIS and CHIEF RICARDO stroll into the hall, surveying the work and workers. Ricardo says that the hall looks perfect, and ready for the big town meeting taking place in a few hours.

Luis says there’s not much more to do now, all they can do is wait to see how the meeting goes. Chief Ricardo caresses the gun in his holster and responds that sometimes “waiting” isn’t always the best course of action – they they “waited” to see what Las Colombianas were up to, and now it’s too late. Luis smiles, and tells Ricardo he knows better than that, and removes his own gun from his shoulder holster. He eyes his gun admiringly, and then takes a big bite out of the barrel, reminding Ricardo that it’s never too late, or too early, for a good piece of Christmas chocolate. Ricardo then takes a big bite out of his gun too, and they leave the workers to finish getting the Hall ready. As they walk out eating their guns, FRANCESCA who is always dressed in evening wear and smoking, runs up to them, panicked. “QUE HACES AQUI???” She yells at both of them, and Luis and Ricardo yell right back at her “QUE HACES AQUI?!? – We work here!”

Francesca reminds them that she does too – as Mayor Luis’ Chief of Staff and Chief Ricardo’s Deputy.

Luis reminds Francesca that there is no smoking allowed in the Village Hall, especially since it is made out of Gingerbread, which people will be eating.

Francesca reminds Luis and Ricardo that the town was founded by her grandmother ANTONIA, who allowed a special exemption in the Village Charter for her descendants to be allowed to smoke wherever they want.

The three of them turn towards a gigantic portrait of a woman who looks remarkably like the great actress CHRISTIAN BACH , which dominates the Village Hall. They bow their heads briefly.

Luis and Ricardo have to admit that Francesca is correct, which prompts Francesca to blow smoke rings and announce that LAS COLOMBiANAS are here, and are waiting for them in Luis’s office. Luis and Ricardo walk towards Luis’ office as though they are walking towards the gallows, if the Hangman was two beautiful sisters from Colombia. Luis asks Francesca to bring Las Colombianas two cups of hot cider, Ricardo reminds her “in recyclable cups.”

MEANWHILE…

Back in the Ciderville “El Generalissimo” General Store, Blanca has just accused Lupita of being someone named “Fernanda,” which is making Jaycee very worried that he has just fallen in love with his missing sister.

A shell-shocked Lupita denies that she is “Fernanda” but then gets very dizzy and collapses…

Gabi and Jaycee try to wake her up, but a completely not-worried Blanca grabs a huge snowglobe filled with Dalmation puppies, which plays the theme “Have A Holly, Jolly Christmas.” Jaycee stands in front of Lupita, and begs Blanca not to crush Lupita’s skull with it. Blanca pushes him out of the way and approaches Lupita, eyes narrowed. Blanca then shakes the snowglobe and plays it in Lupita’s ear.

Lupita wakes up.

Blanca, vindicated, announces, “Don’t you think I know what my daughter likes?! Of course this is Fernanda!” A dazed Lupita has to get up off of the floor for the second time that day, and Gabi fusses over her hair and clothes until Lupita looks just as beautiful as she did before the collapse. Gabi yells at Blanca that the only reason Lupita woke up was because Blanca played the music right in Lupita’s ear. Gabi then demands that Blanca leave the store, after paying for Jaycee’s new Christmas sweater. Blanca tells Gabi that she can’t throw Blanca out of her own store, to which Gabi reminds her again that the store belongs to Pablo, not Blanca, and that Pablo has given her permission to do whatever she needs to do, to keep the customers happy. And since Lupita is a customer, and Blanca is not, Blanca must leave.

An angry Blanca walks out, where she notices that Oscar and Nadia are making out on a Christmas bench in front of the store. Blanca yells at Nadia, “NADIA, QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?” Nadia breaks off the kiss at the sound of Blanca’s voice. Blanca walks up the Candy Cane Lane to Nadia and Oscar, as a defiant Nadia reaches for the knife in her purse…

MEANWHILE…

Inside of the Generalissimo General Store, Gabi and Lupita sit at a small cafe table, topped with Christmas dishes and holly-stamped wine-glasses. Gabi serves Lupita a cup of hot cider in a giant mug with a 3-D picture of Santa. Gabi fills in Lupita on who is who in town, and tells her all about Ciderville. Gabi grew up there, and explains that she left for awhile to try The Big City, but her heart belonged to Ciderville, so she returned. Gabi explains that in high-school, she and JayCee were sweethearts, but Blanca didn’t approve of Gabi, so Gabi broke it off with JayCee and began an affiar with Pablo, which has been off-again, on-again until this day. Gabi explained that since Pablo explained he could never leave Blanca and JayCee, especially after the disappearance of … (Gabi trials off her, staring into space, almost in a trance)… Pablo bought the store to give Gabi something to do when they couldn’t be together.

When Lupita brings up “Fernanda,” Gabi begs Lupita to never mention “Fernanda” again.

MEANWHILE…

Back at The Warehouse, Pablo, Jose and Josue have closed whatever evil deal they agreed on, and the three of them laugh and toast each other with hot cider as Pablo walks Jose and Josue to the door. It’s dusk, but twinkling lights that line the river and abundance of portable heaters enable the skaters to keep skating, all courtesy of Pablo. Pablo beams with pride when Jose and Josue again compliment him on what a good thing he is doing – making it possible for even the less fortunate people in town to enjoy Christmas. Pablo accepts their thanks and then reminds them to “Make it look like an accident,” because he “Can’t afford any questions.” The three of them shake on it, and then Pablo disappears back into The Warehouse. At that moment, a shadowy, yet still beautiful, figure emerges from behind the warehouse and approaches Jose and Josue. This woman looks EXACTLY like Lupita, except she has dark hair. The woman asks them “Did he buy it?” Jose responds “Of course he did … FERNANDA!” Then Josue adds “It’s just a matter of time. Let’s go get some hot chocolate, I’m tired of hot cider!” To which Fernanda reponds – “Don’t worry – you won’t have to drink it much longer. You should enjoy it while you can…” And they all laugh, and toast each other with hot cider…

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Generalissimo General Store, there’s a knock at the door and the bell over the door jingles as Gabi and Lupita have a surprise visitor – GINA, from Ye Olde Casa de Christmas.” Gina is holding a snowglobe filled with Dalmation puppies. Gabi is not happy to see Gina and wants to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!?” To which Gina responds – “I AM HERE TO SEE FERNANDA…”

Gina and Lupita stare at each other…

This is a big, unwelcome surprise…

MEANWHILE…

A super-long limo drives up the road towards Ciderville.

Sitting in the back seat is a man, alone…

Very alone, and very handsome, and very well-dressed, and VERY mysterious…

As the driver passes the sign for “Ciderville, 25 Miles,” The Mysterious Man checks his watch, and tells his driver to go “faster…”

He removes a photo from his wallet – it is Fernanda!!!!!

… To Be Continued…

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES (AND MURDER & MAYHEM)” – Episode 2!

“A TIME FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES (AND MURDER AND MAYHEM)”

-A combination of a Telenovela and a Hallmark Christmas Movie

-Episode 2 – Lupita Shops For Christmas Plates And Her Own Town …

In the Christmas shop “Ye Olde La Casa de Christmas”, Lupita gradually wakes up and begins to focus on the worried, yet sinister, faces of Gina, Veronica and Roberto hovering over her. Gina lovingly wipes the blood from Lupita’s forehead, while Veronica fixes Lupita’s hair, so that she looks as beautiful as she did before the Christmas bell over the doorway came crashing down on her head, knocking her out.

Roberto pushes the two women out of the way and yells “Que Haces Aqui?!” at Lupita, which means “What are you doing here?!” Lupita, now on her feet, announces that she is there to buy Christmas dessert dishes, and that she heard La Casa de Christmas had the best Christmas accessories in Ciderville. As she looks around the store, which is packed with Christmas goods, her request does not appear to be unreasonable. But then, she realizes the blinds are drawn and the store is closed.

Lupita demands to know if she is being kidnapped. She begs them not to cover her head in a burlap bag, because she’s not sure if they are ever washed in-between kidnappings. Gina explains that there is no need for a burlap bag because you only need those when you don’t want the person being kidnapped to know where they are going, and also adds in a rush that this is not a kidnapping. Veronica adds that what they are doing is closer to the crime of “Unlawful Restraint,: but that if they move her into the stock-room, then that would technically be a Kidnapping.

Lupita demands to know what the three of them want, and Roberto informs her that her days of making demands are over – that they demand to know if Luptia is The Rich Woman Who Has Come To Buy The Town Of Ciderville To Destroy It, Because She Hates Christmas?

Lupita looks scared, and Roberto, Gina and Veronica look like they already know the answer to that question…

MEANWHILE…

Across town, Jaycee is limping his broken bike back home, when a black Mercedes sedan pulls up quickly beside him, but not before almost hitting him, which would be the second time that day he would have been struck by a luxury sedan with tinted windows.

The tinted window comes down, revealing the beautiful yet angry face of BLANCA, who demands to know “QUE HACES AQUI?!” (“What are you doing here?!”). Jaycee thanks Blanca for not killing him, and explains that earlier in the day a different sedan belonging to a different rich woman almost struck and killed him, and destroyed his bike. Blanca’s already kind-of-narrow eyes narrow even more, and she asks Jaycee “Is it her? What is she doing here?” Jaycee tells her that is between Blanca and his father, which is when we learn that Blanca is Jaycee’s mother!! And just to drive the point home, she orders him to get in the car and leave his bike out on the street – she’ll buy him a new one for Christmas.

As Jaycee debates this offer, Blanca’s sinister driver, REYNALDO, gets out of the car and advises Jaycee he had better do what his mother tells him to do. Reynaldo walks over to the bike, takes it away from Jaycee and tosses it on the side of the road…

MEANWHILE…

Back at La Casa de Christmas, Lupita demands to be released. Veronica moves quickly through the store, opening the blinds and the store, while Gina insists that Lupita was never “kidnapped,” they just wanted to show her the “Glow-In-The-Dark Garland that is new this year. Roberto approaches Lupita with the garland, wrapping it around his hands as if it was a scarf he might use to wrap around her throat, but then he releases the garland, cracks it like a whip, which makes the garland light up. Roberto tells Lupita it’s their biggest seller this year, for kids of all ages, and that as a sign of good faith, she should buy some garland. And The Christmas Dishes. Lupita has a staring contest with the three shopkeepers …

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Ciderville Christmas Cantina, Oscar (Lupita’s Driver & Bodyguard) is enjoying another egg-nog, when an attractive woman in a very low-cut animal-print sweater that is already two sizes too tight for her, leans over Oscar with a cigarette and asks for a light. This is NADIA. As Oscar brings his hand close to her cigarette, Nadia takes his hand and moves it even closer, in a subtle yet obvious caress. Oscar is surprised at how forward Nadia is, even though she is alone in the Cantina wearing a too-tight leopard print sweater.

Oscar asks her “You know that move? Even here in Ciderville,?” To which Nadia responds, “Baby, we all know that move.” She then pulls away from him suddenly and demands to know “Que Haces Aqui?!” (“What are you doing here?!”). Oscar tells her that he is drinking as much egg-nog as he can because he loves it, it’s impossible to find after the holidays, and so he is loading up on the best egg-nog he has ever had. From behind the bar, MANNY, the sinister bartender, beams with pride.

Nadia corrects Oscar, and says she means What Is He Doing Here, in Ciderville, because he looks like he is from The Big City. Oscar insists he’s only in it for the egg-nog, but that his Patrona, Lupita, is here in Ciderville to buy some Christmas dishes…

With that, Nadia looks back at Manny, and they share a secret smile Oscar can’t see because he basically has had too much egg-nog at this point.

MEANWHILE…

Back at “La Casa de Christmas,” Lupita has selected a beautiful set of antique Christmas dishes that are The Jewel In The Crown of the store. As she approaches the cash register with the dishes, Veronica quickly takes them out of her hands, hands them to Roberto, and Gina starts crying and announces that they were her grandmother’s dishes, and they are not for sale. When Lupita replies that they were in the window with a price tag of $500, Gina tells her it’s a mistake – they are priceless. Lupita insists they are $500 – and insists Gina look on the price sticker on the back of the plates. Gina tenderly asks Lupita if she really likes the dishes, but before Lupita can answer her, Gina hugs Lupita and whispers that she should get out of town, while there is still time, or else do her Christmas shopping at the rival Christmas store in town, “The Ciderville Generalissimo Store.” Veronica approaches Lupita with some homemade Christmas Cookies and Egg-Nog, but Roberto interrupts and tells them that “they had better make that EggNog to go. Lupita isn’t welcome in “Ye Olde La Casa de Christmas” anymore.

MEANWHILE…

Back at the Ciderville Christmas Cantina, Nadia and Oscar share a cigarette and a lot of double-entendres, until Manny interrupts and reminds Nadia that there’s no smoking allowed inside any of the businesses in Ciderville, for the kids’ sake. Nadia apologizes as she approaches Manny, and dies out her cigarette on his hand. As his screams pierce the Cantina, Nadia suggests to Oscar that they go somewhere more quiet, like the Bed & Breakfast she runs in town. As they stroll outside down the Candy Cane Lane to his car, he tells Nadia that he is here with his Patrona, and they are not spending the night in Ciderville. Nadia accepts this news, walks over to his car, and punctures the tires with a gigantic stiletto she keeps in her purse. “You are now,” she tells him. At which point he takes her in his arms and they make-out like crazy.

MEANWHILE…

Lupita finds Oscar and Nadia, and pulls Oscar away from Nadia, demanding to know where he’s been and yelling at him for abandoning her. She tells him she was kidnapped, threatened, and was not allowed to buy the Christmas dishes she wanted. Nadia watches Lupita, with her hand inside of her purse, caressing her stiletto. Nadia and Lupita are off to a bad start, which does not get better when Oscar tells Lupita that “someone” has slashed the tires to their car, and so they have to stay at Nadia’s B&B tonight. Nadia adds she only has one room available, which means that Oscar is sleeping with her….

MEANWHILE…

Blanca’s sedan pulls up in front of a gigantic mansion, and she and Jaycee emerge from the car and walk up the magnificent front porch. The Christmas decorations are exquisite and abundant. Jaycee tells his mother she outdid herself this year, and she’s sure to win the “Ciderville Christmas Competition,” to which Blanca answers with a sigh and a faraway look, that Christmas is the saddest part of the year for her, and that it hasn’t been the same since … since…

The front door opens suddenly, and standing on the other side of it is a man who looks exactly like Roberto from “Ye Olde Casa de Christmas,” except he is even angrier and scarier, even in his MATCHING CHRISTMAS SWEATER. The first words out of his mouth to Jaycee are “Que Haces Aqui?!” (“What are you doing here?!) to which Jaycee replies “I love here.” “Not any more!,” says his father PABLO. Blana slaps Pablo hard, and demands to know “How many more children do I have to lose?!” Which shuts everyone up.

Then, Blanca’s eyes grow very very narrow, almost too narrow to see out of, and she demands to know of Pablo where he got that sweater from. Pablo responds he found it in the attic!!! This news shocks everyone, even the housekeepers standing by, who bless themselves. When Blanca demands to know of Pablo “What were you doing in the attic,” Pablo responds “I live here.” The housekeepers bless themselves again.

After a long minute, Jaycee extends his hand to Pablo, asks for his forgiveness, for his mother’s sake, and announces that he wants to come home for Christmas.

The housekeepers bless themselves again.

Blanca hugs Jaycee, and Pablo accepts his apology, but Pablo adds that Jaycee is going to need a Christmas sweater. When Jaycee says “No problem, I’ll go find one in the attic,” Blanca screams, the housekeepers bless themselves again, and then Blanca tells him that everything in the attic has been eaten by the moths – let’s go to town, I’ll buy you a new one. She adds cryptically “For Tonight…”

MEANWHILE…

Lupita, Oscar and Nadia stand shoulder-to-shoulder, in front of another Christmas shop called “ EL GENERALISSIMO GENERAL STORE.” Except for the fact that it’s directly across the street from “Ye Olde Casa de la Christmas” it could be it’s twin. As Lupita and Oscar walk up the lane lined with lamposts out of Dickens, Nadia says she’ll wait for them outside. (Basically, if Nadia was a Vampire, Christmas stores would be daylight.)

Lupita makes Oscar walk in first, and watches the bell over the door carefully as she walks in after him. The song the bell plays is “24 de Diciembre” by Juan Gabriel. Suddenly, a beautiful woman comes from behind the counter, welcomes them to her store and spontaneously begins dancing with Oscar, who cannot believe the great day he is having.

Lupita joins in, clapping and yelling “Eso!!!” Just like Marc Anthony.

The woman is “Gabi,” and unlike everyone else they have met, she is happy and normal. And Super-Good Looking. Suddenly, the door opens again, and in comes JayCee.

Time stands still when he and Lupita see each other again, and the music seems to slow down. He takes Lupita in his arms, and they begin dancing to the joyful Christmas song as it returns to it’s regular, extremely bouncy beat.

The door opens again, but this time the music makes a loud record-scratching sound.

The dancing and fun stops.

It’s Blanca, who is saying “How long does it take to find a Christmas Sweat-“

She stops in her tracks when she sees Lupita.

Blanca walks up to Lupita and yells “Fernanda!!! QUE HACES AQUI?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”

…. STAY TUNED FOR EPISODE 3

“A Season For Magic & Miracles (And Murder & Mayhem)” Episode 1

Ever wondered what would happen if you crossed a telenovela with a Hallmark Christmas movie? Well, now is your chance to find out…

Since I have moved to Mexico City, it has been almost impossible for me to write about telenovelas because no one in Chicago is watching the telenovelas that are on here,

and when I write about the novelas on Netflix, I’m asked not to “spoil” the novelas for those who haven’t watched them yet.

And I have already written about all of the novelas that are on “Telemundo Internacionale” here.

So, with that in mind, and because we are coming up on Christmas, I have decided to try writing a mini-novela of my own, that is a combination of a telenovela and a Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas movie.

And since it’s my fantasy , I get to cast it anyway I want…

So today, here is the pilot of my HallmarkNovela: “A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES (AND MURDER & MAYHEM)”. Hope you like it!!!

————————————————————————————————————————

“A SEASON FOR MAGIC & MIRACLES (AND MURDER & MAYHEM)”

A Telenovela/Hallmark/Lifetime ‘Television For Women’ Christmas Story…

“CHRISTMAS DAY – TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO – THE OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS”

When the story opens, we’re in a simple, humble little house, decorated for Christmas with home-made decorations. Dalmation puppies cavort around a giggling little girl, still in her pajamas, as she opens the few homemade presents under the tree. The little girl is about two-three years old – too young to really understand what is happening, but perhaps just old enough to remember everything.

From the little girl’s perspective, the scene looks foggy, like a dream or a memory. A pair of dusty, worn shoes, belonging to man, come into the room and stop right where the child sits, surrounded by puppies and gifts. The man asks the child “Que haces aqui?” which is Spanish for “What are you doing here?” The little girl stops what she is doing and looks up at him, terrified. Then a pair of woman’s shoes, high-heels, red sandals, come in right next to him. We never see their faces. The man speaks in a harsh voice, and tells the woman to “hurry up and get her dressed.” The woman, crying, half-heartedly refuses, but swoops up the silent little girl and wraps her in a winter coat and boots over the Christmas pajamas the child wears. Both the coat and boots are too big for her – clearly hand-me-downs.

Meanwhile, the man answers an insistent knock at the door – it’s another couple, about the same age, but they are dressed in better clothes and appear more prosperous. The little girl watches the male half of the couple hand the man a big wad of cash, and the woman hands over the little girl to the female half of the couple. The female half of the couple strips the little girl of her winter coat and boots, spitting out that they have much better clothes for her. Now the little girl begins to cry as they take her to a waiting car, which speeds away. The man slams the door to the house closed, and tells the woman “Stop crying – it’s better this way. Now get rid of those puppies next.”

The Dalmation puppies, without the little girl, wander around under the tree and whimper, looking for their little friend…

CUT TO:

TODAY, “CIDERVILLE”

CIDERVILLE is a magical small town, decorated for Christmas on every corner. Plastic Santas with their reindeer descend from rooftops all over town, giant candy canes line Main Street, every house and business is decorated inside and out for Christmas, trees wrapped up in sparkling lights, a gigantic Christmas tree dominates the town square, gold and silver-wrapped boxes with red bows sit under the tree, lampposts wrapped in twinkling lights and holly … you know the drill. The only thing missing to make it all perfect is SNOW. (As I said, you know the drill.)

A black sedan drives fast up Main Street, failing to stop at Ciderville’s only Stop & Go light, and hits a handsome young man on a bike. The car stops, and LUPITA, a beautiful, solemn and highly-accessorized young woman emerges from the back seat of the car, yelling at her driver, OSCAR, who tries to help the bike-rider. The bike is damaged beyond repair, and the driver pulls out a wad of cash and hands it to the bike-guy who is banged up, but ok. The bike guy is JUAN CARLOS, known to all as “JAYCEE.” Jaycee swears and throws the cash back at Oscar and limps off with his bike, which looks broken beyond repair. As he goes, he looks back at Lupita with the “1,000 Yard Stare,” which is a cross between an alluring come-on and a murderous glare. Lupita returns that look with a small, mysterious smile.

Lupita gets back in the car, and Oscar continues to drive through Main Street, but a lot more carefully this time. As the car moves slowly down the street, townspeople stop to stare at it, and no one seems too happy to see it. It’s hard to tell who looks more sinister: Lupita, behind the tinted glass of her black sedan, or the kids who glare back at the car, longing for snow so they could throw snowballs at the car.

Finally, the sedan comes to a stop in front of a small holiday-themed gift shop, called “Ye Olde Casa del Christmas.” VERONICA, an attractive woman in a Christmas sweater goes to the window and studies the car, and announces “She’s here,” to GINA, equally attractive, and not dressed in a Christmas sweater. Gina looks worried, and she clutches a Christmas ornament in her hand as walks up to join Veronica at the window. Veronica looks down at the ornament in Gina’s grasp – it’s a Dalmation puppy. Veronica begins to warn Gina about the danger of the puppy ornament, but she is interrupted when they are joined at the window by a menacing, intense man, ROBERTO who would look a lot scarier if he wasn’t wearing a Christmas sweater too. He asks the women if they are ready. When he sees the puppy ornament he reminds Gina that he’s warned her before and now he’s done warning her. Veronica tells Roberto to shut up – they are ready. Nothing can go wrong. Then Gina silences their bickering with the two scariest words you can hear in a telenovela – “Trust me.”

Gina, Roberto and Veronica watch Lupita as she walks towards the shop and begins to open the door.

The bell hanging over the door, that rings “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano, falls from the wall, striking Lupita in the head and knocking her out cold.

Roberto and Veronica smile at one another, but Gina looks worried. Roberto then quickly drags Lupita’s unconscious body away from the door, while Veronica quickly draws the blinds and puts the “CLOSED” sign in the window. Gina wipes the blood from Lupita’s forehead, while trying to wake her up.

As Lupita comes to, her vision is still cloudy, and the first thing she sees is the Dalmation ornament.

“Mama? “ she cries, weakly. “Mama?”

Roberto covers her mouth with his hand, telling her to shut-up. Lupita wakes quickly after that, and her eyes grow into gigantic saucers once Roberto covers her mouth with his powerful (and hopefully clean) hand.

Meanwhile, back at the car, Oscar grows tired of waiting for Lupita. As he walks up to the shop, he notices the drawn blinds and “Closed” sign.

He’s about to go to the door, to make sure Lupita is ok (since that’s his job) when he notices the “Ciderville Christmas Cantina” across the street, and decides to go there for a drink instead, leaving Lupita at the mercy of three mysterious shopkeepers who clearly will stop at nothing, including wearing some pretty bad Christmas sweaters.

To Be Continued…

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